[ChaoticSymphony]

Remember wyona Ryder's "you miss the bus you die, you pass the test you live...?" (Not verbatim it's been years since I've seen the movie but you get the gist). Movie was Girl Interrupted btw. Well depending on my mood that's me. When it comes down to it, though, I want to live for my children. If they had a TV dad, doting and always makes time for their every need Id definitely check out. Yeah I make mediocre meals and half hearted encouragement when needed. Oh and hugs are free and if I'm in a good mood then cuddle fest on the couch is great. Beyond that what am I?

I cause pain. I yell and scream and criticize and cost money. I swallowed 40 colozepams two nights ago and was ambivalent about what would happen. If It wasn't for the nurse twisting her knuckles In my chest what seemed like the tenth time in two mins I prob wouldn't of drank that yummy charcoal. Nope I woke up and told my story for the 5th time to a different person who took notes, stoned out of my mind, all the while thinking you idiots could just read the first persons notes.

Why did I do this? Because I'm a weak person who got sick and tired of pretending life was great. I hate meds. I'm scared of life and sometimes meeting my creator and seeing past on relatives doesn't sound so bad. Oh but the kids. I can't do that to them. Even though they deserve a better mom they love me anyways bless them.

So, obviously, I live. Nothing is going to change. I will sit here and paint, stare at the tv, play apps on my iPad and once in a while get to take the kids to do something fun accompanied by that look from my hubs because God knows they don't deserve anything but mere life. I spend too much when shopping. Shopping is my social life but it costs too much. Decorating my dump costs too much. Wanting to be proud of where I live costs too much. Tattoos once a month don't cost too much though. But that's his skin and he works so I'll just shut up about that one like a good girl Mmhmmm. I honestly don't give a **** about the ink I just wish the same courtesy for what little excitement That makes me happy sans comments and Critisism.

Wah wah I know there are starving kids in 3rd world countries and wars going on so I should shut my whiny mouth up.

[Crazy Hitch]

((((((ChaoticSymphony)))))

Hang in there.

[jacky8807]

The hospital didn't keep you and section 12 you for swallowing 40 klonopin!?
Im sorry you are going through this. Dont give up. Get help change your meds go inpatient
Whatever it takes. Life is suppose to be more than just head above water
Is this a cycle? If so you will cycle back up

[ChaoticSymphony]

No I lied and said it was an impulse decision and that I really didn't want to die. Which is semi true because of my kids.

Im sorry babe that your going through this mental anguish. It sounds like your living at the bottom at the moment. The worse thing that a bipolar can do is direct their thoughts inward where we usually end up beating ourselves to death. My brain lies, your brain lies, don't listen to it. I try tuning it out and just work on living. When I come out of depression, I take steps to improving my life situation. Hang in their sweety and try not thinking about it. Use your kids to keep you going! Keep them around you. They deserve and need their mommy.