[dxj5069]

Hi, everyone

This is my first post, so great to meet all of you! I'm a 22 year-old college student, senior year, psych student, ambitious to pursue a career in OT to give back a piece of all my fortune to society.

All my life, I've battled with Bipolar I (Mixed type), and just recently Panic Disorder, but it wasn't until recently I was diagnosed with it. I've been seeing a Psychiatrist and a therapist for a little over a year now, now that I have health insurance through my school. I went in when I fell into depression for a couple of months and was put on antidepressants, but that seemed to make everything worse for me. Suddenly, after I had my meltdown, my depression lifted and I felt brand new - ready to take on the world. My self-esteem was great, never felt so sure and certain of who I am and my capabilities in life. My grades soared, I made new friends, got two new part-time jobs, joined a lab, began running long-distance again, got through my weeks with little sleep (3-5 hours per night), felt so confident and good talking to just about anyone at any given moment. I felt like I was in a movie, and I was the star. But then it began to change.

Suddenly, exhaustion hits after a month. I become irritable, very negative (seeing the world in black/white terms),getting angry (bursting out at those whom I'm very close to) over petty things - anything could just really piss me off and flip my mood 180. In order to relieve myself from irritability, I run as a coping mechanism, but it's different this time around. I end up running 90min to 2 hours without stopping, even with the wrong shoes. My legs begin to deteriorate, I don't eat as much, I lose 5-10 lbs in just 3-4 weeks. And then the stress builds up so much, I just lose it. A lot of my blossoming intimate/sexual relationships have ended during these mixed/depressive episodes. Pretty much all of them were fine to begin with, but I end up sabotaging them because of my fragile ego and my sudden change in mood. I get impulsive and do stupid things, like hooking up with a number of different guys for two weeks, spending a ton of money on products I don't necessarily need to the point others have to intervene, engaging in obsessive behavior (e.g. hairstyling, listening to loud music repetitively, fidgeting). And then...

I have a panic attack. I cry uncontrollably (even fainting in class the first time in college after hitting my breaking point during a manic episode). Feeling lonely and scared. And once it phases out, the depression sinks in and stays for a long time. It was my birthday last week, and all of my friends threw a surprise dinner for me...but I lost it. I made a complete fool of myself. I was going through a manic phase since February, and my birthday night just happened to be the night I lost it again. I had a panic attack in public, ended up leaving the restaurant and starting bawling my eyes out in front of everyone, broke up with my boyfriend because I felt impulsive and so foolish for getting myself into a relationship when I wasn't ready for it, and I had to call in sick for my weekend shifts.

It's been about a week since that had happened, and I've been really struggling hard to pull through it. I will be seeing my Psychiatrist later this week to discuss mood stabilizers. It's just, so hard to get through my days. I hit the gym for at least 30 min. to relieve tension, I try to sleep on schedule (often failing), meet my supervisors for both jobs to accommodate what I'm going through right now, etc. I put on a good mask. A damn good mask. To everyone, I'm that happy, motivated, go-getter guy. But I sometimes can't help myself from crying after wearing my shades as I walk around campus, drive, or as I sit in class. I tell myself all the reasons why my existence right here and now has meaning, a purpose. Sometimes I go home and cry, I wake up and cry, and sit around in quiescence. Then I anticipate when this depression will lift and enter my next manic episode.

It really helps that I'm writing this out. I hope others are pulling through OK. It gets hard when I feel that I have no one to talk to about this. They think I'm being weak, using a diagnosis as an excuse for my behaviors, or are simply getting tired of hearing about it...but maybe I'm being paranoid. I'm working so hard to try to pull through this and tough it out, but I don't know how long I can keep this up for.

[kloonbloon28]

Your story sounds so much like mine. I have hopes that this will get better. I was also put on an AD in the beginning and it made my bipolar worse as well. After I destroyed my marriage, friendships, and my career was in shambles, I knew it was time for help. Hang in there. It will get better I'm sure of it. I tried looking at this diagnosis as a blessing (weird I know) because I finally had answers and could start treating the disease effectively. I'm sure I've had this for over 13 years and I'm just now able to manage it to some extent. So even though we aren't the lucky ones to have the disease, at least we know what we are fighting, and we are fighters.

[loowisalibot]

Oh wow. I can relate to your story. I've been on medication for 3 years now and I'm not really consistent in taking my medication. I only have episodes when there are factors that triggers it.

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC , you will find loads of support here, We all " get it"

[Crazy Hitch]

(((dxj5069)))



Hang in there and thank you for sharing this with us.