I don't get it

I'm pushing myself through the workdays, even laughing and joking with co-workers, but at the same time I have this complete other level of downness and at times, just plain misery. I have energy, but I really don't want to do anything with it. But I need to. And I do what I have to do anyway.

I feel like a tightrope walker.

When I get out of work it's like it all falls away and I sit on the train and I'm just down. I go home and don't feel like doing anything, but have to make the effort to make dinner or even stay up until 10.

Yesterday, if someone asked me how I felt, it made perfect sense to me to say, "Horrendous!" with a great big smile and to laugh about it. Yet it's true. That's how I've been feeling.

I don't get it. I don't understand how I can encompass such a duality. I don't understand how I can laugh and joke around, be productive at work, and yet feel so low and have SI.

I suppose today is better than yesterday. Yesterday I needed a Xanax in the morning, the afternoon, and at night. I've been full of anxiety. Today will be the same, but yesterday I felt like I was being pulled apart.

I feel like a fake. It makes no sense to me to be able to laugh and joke and get things done, and to feel so raw and low at the same time.

this just a small part of the puzzle,, but be careful with the xanex,, I got addicted and actually reduced my stress when I got off it....rebound I think they call it..

Fake it til ya make it. Thats the advice I get. If you are able to fake it you are doing very well. Keep it up and remember self care at home when the feelings come back. Self nurture rather than SI and take some time to relax.

Sometimes I have thoughts that I'm a fake but in reality, we all have to go out and deal with the real world sometimes, and we want to appear to be just like everyone else. I know when I go out I can put on a smile and act appropriate when really I'm hurting inside.

Thank you. Yeah, I generally don't need the Xanax as much, and I've never needed it this much. I try not to take it unless I really need to, but I've just been coming to the point the last few days where I really need to. I try to stave it off as long as possible. I totally get what you're saying about how you can reduce the ability to handle stress if you take it too much. It makes sense. And I don't want to be taking it this much, either.

That's what I try to do -- fake it 'til I make it -- and sometimes I'm very good at it. Other times I'm terrible at it. Monday I couldn't fake it at all. I even thought my own miserableness and rageyness caused my co-worker's migraine, I thought it was psychically affecting her. She's kind of empathic. And she even told me the next day that she kept getting images of me throwing my hands up and yelling, "I can't take it anymore!" I mean, she definitely knew I was in a very, very bad mood. I did not hide it very well.

It's just odd to me. I can laugh and joke and pretend, but my outlook is very pessimistic and I feel like the universe just keeps prodding me and pushing me and testing me. And I'm getting so tired. I just want to go hide somewhere.

Do you ever get to the point where you can't tell how you feel anymore? You just don't know?

Thanks everyone.

I always feel like I don't know anymore. If I take the meds, I feel flat or down, even if I had a good day at work i can have SI at home. so my answer is you are not alone, but how to deal,, I am still trying to figure that out.

Yes I often have a hard time defining what I feel and putting a name on things...sometimes I think it is because I am feeling so many things at once that I just end up confused, or because I feel empty. Part of what I want to do in therapy is work on putting a name on my emotions.

I'm on my meds but still experiencing...whatever I'm experiencing (no official DX). I rarely feel flat anymore. If I do, it's brief and seems to become mixed quickly. It's like my brain is trying to simultaneously pull itself up and stay down.

But it's also hard to be specific sometimes -- like when I am tracking my mood and my symptoms. Sometimes it's all right there, other times it's like it's hiding and you have to figure out how ****** you feel.

And yes, how to deal is so complicated. Control seems impossible to me. Controlling reactions is one thing, although I've been faltering at that lately too. Apparently dealing requires a lot of inward force and effort, but I don't know how.

I was good for a few years. And then suddenly, some shift happened and I've lurched further into what I now can only describe as "this," since I can't officially call it anything.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's the bombardment of feelings. Or it could also be emptiness. Or both. Can that happen?

I think that's a great goal for therapy. I think I might have to try to remember that. Thank you.