[Resident Bipolar]

Jeez. Tonight is a really, really bad night. I'm not sure if I'm closer to crying or to smashing something up. As you could probably tell if you read my most recent thread, I am in the midst of a Depressive episode after a recently relapse Earlier I got really irritable and had an argument with my partner, before making a mess of the bedroom I tidied a few days ago.

Since then, I've slowly become more and more depressed as the evening has gone on. Normally I get irritable after bottling up my emotions, then after I've relieved the stress my mind seems to just allow the sadness to come. And it is a deep, painful sadness.

I'm extremely alone. When I was in Secondary School, I had no friends and no social life. A lot of my life I was bullied, and I didn't have anybody that I could meet up with, or talk to. Then around the age of 16, I met a group of people and before I knew it I was very popular with a large group of friends who I saw almost every day, and three very close friends - best friends, I suppose is the social term for it.

Between 16 and 18, I bonded more and more with these people. I was so happy to have some friends in my life. I loved them. I shared my personality with them. Eventually I relaxed around them, and didn't suppress my eccentricity. I guess that's where I went wrong.

I've lost almost everyone. I don't know why. What did I do wrong? One of my closest friends just began to stop speaking to me, more so with each day. I miss making him laugh; I miss him making me laugh.

Really, I must have about 3 manic episodes in those couple of years. I was euphoric a lot of the time. And that caused paranoia, psychosis and I suppose annoying behaviour a lot.

I must be a really bad person to be so hated. I don't want to be; I don't try to be. My eyes are leaking writing this. It just hurts so much to have been on the top, to have tasted happiness. And it's all gone. I'm drained of it. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I'm really sorry about my disordered writing. My mind is hurting really bad. In fact, I must be low, because I've got some physical symptoms creeping in (headache, aches).

Recently I've been suffering from extremely painful stomach cramps and after tests it's thought that it's actually psychosomatic. Which was a shock. Me pretending to be okay to my partner all the time is taking its toll on me, never mind having to smile at customers at work, and engage in conversation with thw backstabbing colleagues I work with.

It's not just the Depression talking by the way. I really have lost all of my friends, except one best friend. And we don't meet often because he's always working.

I'm alone again

Possible trigger:

I can't stop thinking about suicide. The prospect of me going down that route hasn't felt as real as it does tonight since I last made an attempt. I fear it's only a matter of time. I'm a time bomb.

If I can find it in me, I may need to call my psych tomorrow and say I can't wait two months until my next appointment. The new meds are obviously crap.

Sorry to be depressing.

[wiretwister]

Hang in there I am right with you.....

[~Christina]

RB Please do call your Pdoc first thing tomorrow.

Please keep posting, Remember Bipolar is just doing what Bipolar does, lies cheats and steals.

Breathe.. Stay connected anyway you can

[BipolaRNurse]

(((((RB)))))

Oh, RB, my heart really goes out to you. It seems we are both in it. I am struggling very hard tonight too. So much so that, as a friend, I feel the need to put forth an idea. I will hold on for you. Will you hold on for me? I am not just saying this to be nice. I am completely serious.

[Victoria'smom]

Rb,

Please call psych tomorrow. My best friend I see 2 to 3x a year. You mean a lot to me, you really do. None of this is your fault. I wish I could take your pain from you. You don't deserve this! Please keep talking, don't shut down. We're here for you through this tiresome fight.

[scatterbrained04]

(((((RB)))))

[jacky8807]

Love and healing sent your way!

[Crazy Hitch]

Hang in there.

Call your pdoc in the morning

[Resident Bipolar]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Oh, RB, my heart really goes out to you. It seems we are both in it. I am struggling very hard tonight too. So much so that, as a friend, I feel the need to put forth an idea. I will hold on for you. Will you hold on for me? I am not just saying this to be nice. I am completely serious.

Sorry to hear it, IZ. You're fully aware of how much I care how you are, I'm sure. We're in it together <- That's a smile. I can do those.

I can certainly give it a go; I'll try my best.

Originally Posted by wiretwister

Hang in there I am right with you.....

Originally Posted by ~Christina

RB Please do call your Pdoc first thing tomorrow.

Please keep posting, Remember Bipolar is just doing what Bipolar does, lies cheats and steals.

Breathe.. Stay connected anyway you can

Last night was awful. Worse night I've had in a long time - years, in fact. The day today was bad too, but I didn't feel as low. I felt very foggy and still do, although I didn't wake up until 3pm (or just after).

Unfortunately, I didn't call my doc. I just didn't have it in me. You don't speak to the psychiatrist, you speak to an elderly secretary who is very judgemental and seemingly arrogant and that's what puts me off. I don't even know what to say! And I am embarrassed. I'm embarrassed and ashamed.

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

(((((RB)))))

Thank you

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Rb,

Please call psych tomorrow. My best friend I see 2 to 3x a year. You mean a lot to me, you really do. None of this is your fault. I wish I could take your pain from you. You don't deserve this! Please keep talking, don't shut down. We're here for you through this tiresome fight.

The feeling is mutual MM. I hope you're doing better than you were last time I saw your thread. I wouldn't want anyone to take this pain for me and besides, you have more than enough on your plate.

Tiresome! That's spot on. I'm exhausted. I don't stop sleeping! After 11pm I can relax because everyone else goes to sleep, and I cannot relax when there is noise and commotion around me - even when my partner is awake and I am feeling like this, I do not feel relaxed. So I go to bed late when I am like this (about 3am or 4am) just so I can enjoy the peace. Then I sleep 12 to 13 hours.

I'll keep trying but I'm losing it

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

(((((RB)))))

Thankyou!

Originally Posted by jacky8807

Love and healing sent your way!

Thank you, Jacky

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Hang in there.

Call your pdoc in the morning

Trying Hooligan.

I didn't manage to call today. As I said earlier on in this reply, I do not like doing so. I always try to force myself to but it's a promise I cannot keep even to myself. The secretary there often has quite an abrasive personality, which complicates the situation because I already find it difficult due to the embarrassment of it.

I'll try again tomorrow