Suicidal Ideation without Depression

I was and still am a little like you with the social anxiety. Just to give you an idea, I started working for a larger company about 4 years ago. For the first couple of years I would literally go hide in the corner at lunch rather than go sit with people in the cafe. I had the intensive outpatient program that I attended and the anxiety it produced made my asthmatic cough to act up so I would be just sitting there coughing continuously. Relationships, gave up on that 11 years ago. I finally started working through the fear by getting involved with various events. Best thing I ever did. Still feel odd but manageable anxiety. Definately helps to face your fears. The big thing holding me back in the depression and suicidal thought. Not sure how to tackle that.

I have thoughts about death almost every day. Have at one point considered suicide. I have talked to my therapist about it and she was understanding of the fact that it is hard to live with BP. I am not suicidal, just tired of BP. I have realized that a lot of people care about me and that I have a lot to live for, despite BP. Theraphy has helped me a lot w that issue.

I tried helping out a charity event around Thanksgiving. I ended leaving before it even started. My fiance's mom was running it so I couldn't just leave and I ended up in tears when I had to tell her that I couldn't stay. Most embarrassing thing ever. I'm HORRIBLE with crowds and the only people I knew were his parents. They told people to pair up (not my strongest suit) to work together and then started sticking the leftover people (myself included) together. I just freaked out. When I was telling her what was going on, she offered to let me work in a room instead of out in the crowd, but by that point my heart was racing, the tears were flowing and I was huddling in on myself. I decided I was too far gone to recover with any kind of dignity and ran home to feel completely stupid for the rest of the night. That was literally the last time I even tried to do anything where I'd be expected to interact with a billion people at once.

Funny thing is, she knew about the crowd thing I just don't think she believed me/knew how bad it really was. I don't do crowds unless my fiance is with me for this very reason. I hate breaking down in front of other people.

Harley, I think you have nothing to be ashamed about. Please dont feel bad! You have an illness and that is why this happened. You are very brave to face your fears in that way. If anything you should be proud of yourself for giving it a try! And maybe something good will come out of it. Your fiances mom might have a better understanding of your symptoms now. And you showed that you were interested in helping out in her project. That must mean a lot to her.
I had a massive panic-attact before my brothers 40th birthday celebration ( prettty huge event, we tend to go big about these things in my family), and I just couldnt attend. I felt a bit bad about it, but at the same time I was able to recognize it as a symptom of my illness rearing its ugly head... The good thing was that it served as a wake-up call for my family, and I think they now understand better what is going on with me.

I don't self harm, but I do have major problems with suicidal ideation.

For me, I think it's because my mood was depressed, for so long, that SI became almost a habit. It became a comfort for me. How sick right?

I don't know from a medical standpoint If this is possible. The doctors may just conclude you are still depressed if you have these thoughts. I've never discussed it much with my doctor in length. I did ask my doctor if the suicidal ideation would ever leave, and he said maybe, or maybe not.

It is possible. Be careful about it. I had this happen to me and then a few bad things happened at once and I made an attempt. That was when I got put into a hospital and they found out I had Bipolar because what I was experiencing was mania or a mixed state at the time. I just thought I was happy, but I was still having suicidal thoughts at the same time.