Called it in

And thankfully managed to speak to and get an appointment with my psychiatrist for tomorrow as she had a cancellation.

She said that she's concerned with my behavior and depending on seeing me tomorrow will most likely up my lithium and also introduce quetiapine (?) to my meds.

A little relieved but at the same time it's taking all my restraint to keep myself in check. Trying to not go out at the moment because it's a real struggle just not to go off the deep end. Go out and blow all the money I don't have to get smashed out of my face on whatever poison takes my fancy. Ugh.

I'm glad you were able to get an appointment. Sounds like she is listening. I know it can be hard to hold ourselves back when we are manic. Hang in there. Only one more day. I know that that can seem like forever but one step at a time and you will get there.

One of the few people as a whole that I've felt listen's to what I have to say so even though I wasn't keen on trying Lithium, I trust her judgement.

I've handed over my bank cards to a relative and plan on shutting myself away today against every urge in my body. Keep on repeating in my head that I've got this.

I am really glad that you are seeing your pdoc too sorand0m.

I think it will help.

Some adjusting in medication if this is what your pdoc is happy with can possibly help if your pdoc is worried about some of your behaviours.

I the meantime, please read this article, it may help with some long term thinking -

The 4 Keys to Managing Bipolar Disorder | Psych Central

I don't like asking for help very often. Each time I ask it's like a dagger to my heart as if to say "Congratulations, you've failed again."

It's a bitter pill to swallow. More than anything, it's like I'm dependent on drugs. I am dependent on drugs. Drugs for anxiety. Drugs to get me out of a pit. Drugs to keep me grounded rather than flying like a kite.

I'm sure I'm going to start rattling soon.

I am really impressed that you called in! I am pretty sure I need to, and I have the SAME thought you just said - it feels like a huge failure. It is like a catch-22 - it is somehow a failing to call for help, but a failure to NOT call for help when it is needed.

At this point, I don't even have someone to see - I can't bring myself to pick up the freaking phone and dial someone. Take comfort in your strength to get help when you need it. Hang in there!!!

Really, really struggling today. I got referred to our crisis team for a non-optional assessment and I'm having a really hard time keeping a lid on.

Pdoc also thinks I'm on drugs, which I'm not. Starting to slur speech and formulating sentences is taxing.