[18yearsdead]

Hi guys! How is everyone? Hope you are all well and good!, Me, I could probably never wake up and be all the better!!!!
See, To make a VERY LONG LIFELONG story short. i was hospitalized at 15 for a suicide attempt.(unloved, not good enough for anyne betrayed by parents, etc) diagnosis....bipolar. 28 days later I was released with no follow up and no meds.
I married at 16 to get away from bad situations at home, had my first angel at 18 and divorced forst husband at 20. Thats when it really started to get bad. Overspending, self medication for the pain that I had absolutely no clue where was coming from (no counceling my whole life) Could tell my father was obviously was OCD and seriously paranoid...would even hallucianate and use valiums and drink on occasion. Thought I was cursed. STILL DO. Met a man when I was 22 that I thought was the one. That was in 95. WE are currently still together, my daughter is 16 now and our 3 we had together are 8,4, and 10 months. Only problem is, he seems to keep bringing out the absolute worst in my symptoms. Can he be a trigger? Last year he left me when I was pregnant with our last one to join the army to run away from me because he didnt know how to help me so he abandoned me. He abandonned me in a little trailer with no a/c and all those kids. Needless to say he missed the birth, I hemmoaraged, the baby came 3 weeks early, was hooked up to tubes for 3 weeks and we almost lost both of us. NOONE WAS THERE FOR ME. I am almost torn between thinking I don't deserve anyone and pissed because I do.
1 week after we got home still healing, me taking care of all the kids and myself, the sherriff shows up with eviction papers. I had just sent 450.00 the day before...boy i wish i woulda saved that money! Landlord was selling the property and we had 3 DAYS TO GET OUT!
I LOST IT. I curled up into a ball, my daughter called my mom and she came over and tried to do all she could........where was my husband???????Lying to me about smoking cigarettes with his buddies, going to parties while we suffered back home.
Finially we live together again and he is gona all the time..he is out in the field again now....he promised me he would go to coullllnceling and therapy too with me and fix me before i just end it all, but guys, I have never ever in my entire life felt so hopeless. If my face could droop to the floor right now it would I swear. The doctors here on base cant get their %#@&#! right with the parmacy either so I am aleways running out of meds, it's totally not consistent....pleaseplease any advice...I don't wat to go on...every scream of this baby makes it 40 times worse

[savinmyself]

first a hello and a smile our lives seem to be close in the radar, let me give you an over view then some suggestions that i just resently started doing because of these same feelings, i right now am in a marriage with my second love which i married in 95 i had 1 previous son who is now 14 he was born 3 and a half months early and has brain damage (so demanding everyday) I wasn't diagnosed till the age of 17 with bipolar during a 18 month stay at a drug rehabilitation center and was on meds a short time, between 1994 and 2000 i had 3 miscarriages, then in 2000 we expereinced a still born dealth which really took a toll on my husband and i, he ever sense we first got together till 2000 stayed extremely busy and avoided me as much as possible it got worse for a while in 2000. the docs put me paxil and execept for the major mania my husband came around more, things where o.k. , because of the mania's being so bad i stopped taking the meds, and in 2003 we had another premature baby girl, my husband began to work out of town and would party, play with his friends and not want to come home on weekends because i was sooooooo stressed out! i was always a ticking time bomb and he was always my target. she came home at 6 months old with a tracheostomy and breathing machines, so as u can imagine life at home was hostile enough he just added to it being away and being able to be himself. In august of 2006 he quit his job which brought him home again and life just got worse, because he was now here i really became out of control with my mania's and after a rush to the hospital overdosing on pills while out parting i sought help, i've been on lithium for about 3 months now, I take trazodone 2 so i can get some sleep and because my deppression wasn't getting any better i am now on lexapro my husband has told me how much he loves me and i can't understand how now he can stay when he wouldn't run when i wasn't getting help, i am in counceling once a week which i suggest to any bipolar at least for a cpl of months to the first year, expecially when you have children. my husband comes with me on occasion to understand my disease a little more and how to help me. the depression really needs to be addressed, maybe another med, maybe more counceling, maybe more breaks from the kids. I have done this and it really helps! my husband and i are healing, slowly , i am working on how to treat my husband on a different level and he is learning not to do things to trigger me or if he does how to remeady the situation. THINGS GET WORSE THEN THEY GET BETTER AND SO ON............. I go to a local mental health place where i live, i get trial samples of expensive drugs and my lithium and trazodone are very cheap. If u are having trouble with the base try finding a local mental health place or go to the hospital emergency room, i have 3 kids 1 with brain damage, 1 with a tracheostomy and a adopted daughter who is in college if u are concerned someone will take your children while you are in the hospital they wont i've been in the hospital and my children are still with me, i was very very concerned about that myself.

[18yearsdead]

thanks for your input sweety! it helped alot. things are starting to look up a bit ( but he is gone now in the field lol)

[18yearsdead]

sorry about your babies too thats terrible(((( good luck on the lithium ive heard bad stuff about that

[bizi]

Oh how my heart goes out to you.
You are such a strong woman to have endured all of this stress. It is completely understandable that you are feeling this overwhelmed.
I wish I had some advise to give you...just hang on.
Your doing a good job with the kids and I hope that your &%^%$^#husband gets his act together to be more a partner in this.
I wish you wellness.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[darkeyes]

Lithium is an excellent med, it has the longest track record for succesful treatment in thousands and thousands of people, it may not be for everyone, but is sure has helped so many.
Almost all meds have the capability of
causing a problem(s) some people may have terrific outcome, where maybe someone haven't, everyone is different just like disorders.
There are a lot more meds today that weren't around years ago, which helps give people working with their pdocs together, a brighter and more stable future.
I wish all here lots of luck for good health,stability,love and inner peace.

(((((((((( everyone here and the suffering )))))))))))