Hi! Help! Please...

Hi guys!

It's been a minute. When last I was writing in, I was doing good. Sadly that is no longer the case.

I became obscenely busy. I began drinking again, smoking, smoking weed, etc... I am working feverishly, sleeping minimally. Irresponsible behavior, difficult times with my spouse. Some of the most difficult. I even spent a night out of the house. That has never happened before. Though I am holding the basics of my life together, and from the outside things maybe have never been better, internally I am suffering greatly and feel that I may crack. There is a fear, a fear that my sanity is limited, finite, and that I am pushing the boundaries, and that I could go off the edge.

I need to pull my life together, clean up again. When I am not writing in here, I am loosing my grip. Coming back on and hearing the stories of all of you is so helpful, and reminds me of the situation I actually face.

I'd welcome any words of support, I'm drifting right now.
Let me know.
MT

It does sound like you are slipping. I know that feeling. I'm currently off the rails a little myself, trying to reign it in before I fall fast. It is terrifying.

At least you are now aware of it. That is a good start. Can you share this with your pdoc or T soon? It really needs to be addressed as things can fall apart really quickly. It matters to me that you hang in there. We are all here for you! I wish I had better advice but my brain is a mess. hopefully someone else will drop in with some wise words.

That sounds like a large list of wants there that takes time to work on. Can you get into a hospital to take you out of where you are at into a safe place to pull it together? At least this'll get you out of your living environment and a chance to gain a perspective on things. I hope you the best hun.

Hey! You're so manic dude. and you REALized it! That's awesome. If staying in here helps you. Just STAY! When I'm having a thing I have this open on my phone and seriously am on the whole day. Whatever it takes right. I second the suggestion to tell the people closest to you that you are feeling this way. I immediately text two close friends and tell them if I have an inkling and it totally takes the fun right of of it. Like "hey Im spending a **** ton of money at the mall right now. " and then I sorta feel deflated. Or "I just bought a bottle of wine and I'm sitting in my car in my driveway drinking". Telling them makes me feel like I need to stop. Also telling my husband which i HATE. Just because it's like embarrassing or something.

I know any advice or suggestions are very personal and individual so I can only say what works for me and you can take it or leave it.

One thing I try to do sometimes when I am feeling manic is to do what someone once advised me and "act opposite the urge". Now this is difficult to the point of painful. But if I feel like playing music REALLY REALLY LOUD. I will make myself sit in silence or play something quiet and boring. If I feel like going out I make myself stay in. If I feel like sending long rambly text messages I force myself to put the phone down. If I feel like skipping meals all day I force myself to eat something. Etc. Most of the time it is about being still and quiet rather than active and loud. Like NO exercise or dancing around or cleaning like a maniac.(in some cases exercise can help tho. See so complex). But anyway. As I said sometimes I repeat SOMETIMES this helps at least not fuel it more. Cuz I admit I love mania (parts of it) and I love to indulge it. But....yeah. you know. You all know.

I live a bizarre estranged manic life.

Cigarettes, beer and the occasional green are what keep my butt together. Without my vices I would be....well...I'd be where I was before; Curled in the fetal position experiencing near death panic attacks, high blood pressure, crying incessantly and clawing at the walls.

I've been in a weird, sort of wired but sort of depressed...maybe a mild mixed state for over two weeks.

I wonder if spring and the change of season is triggering some of us? I've been trolling around here and it seems like more people than usual are on the verge of losing it.

The two busiest times for psychiatrists are Spring and Fall. In the Spring, as the days get longer and warmer, our moods begin to take off. Fall brings depression. And in both seasons, the pollen is high and high airborne pollen levels have been implicated in depression, mania and sleep problems. Simply, we are all f****d.

My wife and I spent the Winter in Florida and my sleep, which hasn't been good for years, got worse. Plus, the pollen was extremely high. About two months ago I was getting no more than four hours sleep, then down to two and I was ready to be hospitalized but my pdoc in Maryland got me back on Klonopin and it saved me...but now I'm addicted, once again, and it's not working that good. But being aware that you're manic or mixed state or depressed is good. Self awareness can keep you from going off the deep end.

Shut it down. Mania feels good, but irresponsible behavior is dangerous to you and those who depend on you. Tell your psychiatrist that you are manic under medication. The depression that follows is going to suck.

Ditto to the previous posters who mentioned the importance of self-awareness. That you are self aware is awesome. You are awesome! Call your pdoc so it doesn't get too out of control and hang around! We love to hear how you are doing. And, by the way, I'm sorry you aren't well right now and I hope you feel grounded sooner rather than later.