[niko851]

I apologize SO SO SO SINCERELY for abandoning everyone for the last several months. There is no excuse for my behaviour by not even getting on here once to say what happened/is happening. This was wrong of me. Shame on me too....

Needless to say, if my apology will be accepted, I will be more than willing to do my best at a second chance. All I wish for is to be STRONGER than these illnesses and NOT have to ask for forgiveness for all my wrong-doings....

Hopefully you'll still remember me...

Again I am so very sorry....

-Niko

[bizi]

I am new here,
nice to meet you.
I am bp1 as well.
bizi

[bipolar_bear]

Hey Niko welcome back. No need to apologize.

BB

[MissCharlotte]

Niko
sorry you havent been feelng well. you do not have to ask for forgiveness!

[niko851]

I feel like the apology is necessary. Reason being is when you do something, whether it be intentional or unintentional, and you harm/hurt another, acknowledgement of the wrong-doing is warranted.

I appreciate you and the rest for stating it not necessary, however for me, I REALLY feel I need to. This was all I had - those who know what this nonsense we go through EVERY *#$*% day - and I managed to screw that up too...

I left people hanging, only thought of myself, and never thought 'hey - they care and are probably wondering what happened'. I should, AND COULD HAVE, at least done that much for those who have been there for me.

I'm just a rude, self-centered person who does NOT need to be breathing one more minute, far less one more year. I'm tired of hurting people left & right all because I cannot control myself. Even when I can control it, I don't - or won't - or who the hell knows....

Here I go again jumping subjects, however it is 'common' per se to plateau on meds? In other words, the old dosage is no longer effective? I suppose I look at it this way: An addict will need more and more of an addictive substance, such as heroin, in order to achieve his/her high. What are the chances that my meds have that effect, or less of an effect, on me (or anyone else for that matter)?

I'm only 126 lbs., 5' 11", and accourding to the Pdoc, I'm 'maxed' out on how much of each I can safely take in a 24 hour period. That said, this also means there is nothing left to do. This happens EVERY time after I stabalize....

Whenever I went back to work, and yes I worked 12-14 hours a day JUST to avoid having to run around the house like an idiot (least I put the high-energy to good use), I actaully felt like a human.. Then that wonderful bull-crap paranoia started to set in, my performance at work went from giving 175% to (on a good day) 25%, I began to start taking time off work again, up until I eventually said enough is enough....

It's like there is another brain inside me that turns on and off at its convenience. Right now, as I write this, I know I am 'Niko'. Then I can be sitting here, alone, or with someone else (doesn't matter), and I literally have conversations with myself. One good thing out of those - at least I don't have an argument with people; i just have arguments with myself.....

Here I go rambling again..... Hopefully the 'other' side of me will come out today and I can talk with my 'other' self.... Go ahead and laugh; I have to otherwise I will plunge into a non-manic state. I'd rather be manic, hyper, and up and about than hiding in my corner hoping for the best....

Niko