Lost both parents in 2006...feeling lost and alone

I lost my dad unexpectedly in March - he died in his sleep of heart failure. It was absolutely devastating.

I was starting to get back on my feet, then my mother died in December (she had a brain tumor and diminished very slowly - over a 10 year period.) I knew she wouldn't live to be old, but 9 months after my dad?! (They were both 59 years old.)

I'm kind of a loner - I do have friends, but they are more the type that you talk to once or twice a month, not every day. I am an only child and am not married. (long-term boyfriend left me in 2005 and married someone else after we were together for 8 years).

I quit my job earlier this year as I was too sad and depressed to do it everyday.

I've been to one-on-one grief counseling - it helped some. Does this ever get better? Where I don't feel like I want to cry every minute of the day?

Wow, you sure have been through a lot in a short time.

It does get better, but it takes a long time, at least in my experience. The first year is the worst by far.

Big hugs to you, if OK.

Candy

I'm so sorry for your losses (((((((((((ab1018))))))))))))

Grief is such an individual thing. You certainly have been through a lot recently and it will take time to get to the point of feeling more like yourself again.

I would say the best thing you could do for yourself is allow yourself to feel the grief so that you can process it and begin recovering from it. It's ok to be sad, you have lost a lot in a short period of time. The other thing that I found helpful was to get busy with something. Whether its doing something for yourself, or volunteering, it can help get you through the times when you are feeling the lowest. Isolation is not a good thing and counterproductive to healing.

I wish you well and am sending healing thoughts and strength your way.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

Gosh, you've really been through a lot. I'm so sorry for your losses. It does take a long time.

Please take extra good care of yourself at this time. Stay in counseling if you can. 5 years ago I lost my grandma, favorite aunt and mom in 6 months' time and it put me into my first and only (so far -- knock on wood) major depressive episode. In light of your being fairly isolated without much support, I very definitely recommend staying connected with a therapist.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Okie

i am so sorry for your losses and for them to come that close together has to be a knockout blow. let your grief flow and if you can, find a therapist to talk to.....keep posting here with us and let us listen......xxoxo pat

Ab,
you asked if it will get better? My parents both died when I was a kid, and the one thing I can tell you is that it will get different.

I wish I had understood that grief was more cyclical than linear - I used to thing too that time healed. Well, it changes things, and other things heal. The 'firsts' this first year will be difficult, and the anniversaries are hard too.

I've had alot of loss again in just the past few years, and it's given me an opportunity to re-grieve some leftover pain from the parent-loss, now that my kids are the ages I was going through several homes.

[[[ hugs ]]] and I'm so sorry they both died so closely spaced together, I do understand what it's like to feel adrift.

Thanks everyone.

I don't think the missing them will ever get better. To be truthful (I know it's illogical and unfair to those people - it's not their fault my parents died), I get angry when I see someone in their 50s or 60s who still have their parents alive. I keep thinking that I have so long to go before I ever see them again.

But, wow, you had it as a child - that I cannot imagine. I'm so sorry. That had to be unbelievably difficult, to put it mildly.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ab1018 said:
To be truthful (I know it's illogical and unfair to those people - it's not their fault my parents died), I get angry when I see someone in their 50s or 60s who still have their parents alive. .

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I only get angry when I hear someone bad-mouthing their parents who are still alive. My mum died when I was 17 and while my Daddy is amazing, I still get pissed with people who still have both parents alive.

Ab and Drunksunflower,
I can truely relate to looking at others with parents and feeling envy. I've had many / daily triggers, as both of you have probably gone through yourselves.

It still gets me to this day to shop in the mall, and I see stroller, young mom, and elder parents there...three adults to one child. Or the times I've had to drag my three young kids to the doctor alone, and I see how many bring their elders....or how tightly woven together some are with their parents and I'm utterly clueless what that looks like, except I'm trying to weave it with my kids and it's not coming out right.

I've had some who tell me 'you're lucky' cause their parents are abusive, or senile, and my little-girl-hurt I say in my head 'but they're still alive and you have hope', but I know it's pointless to compair cause all of us are in pain to some degree with our relationships. And one is not worse than another, it's just differnet.

But let me tell you, time doesn't make me feel any better about my parents death. just different. I hate those 'how long has it been' questions, that's the worst.

I feel badly for those who grew up with parents and had that long term relationship --- I suppose their grief is really different than mine. My grief is real, but it's based more on all I missed out on and all my kids have missed out on, so it's different.

[[[hugs]]] to you both.

One thing I did that really helped me last year, I went through two sessions of a grief group, like a 12 step, and that gave me some perspective on things now that I'm a parent myself. I found it more helpful than one on one for some reason....another in there was a motherless mother, too.

cause I wonder if you might find some 'onlies' because you've probably got feelings that are unique to that specific situation.

Yes, it becomes bearable.

I lost both parents in 2004...my mum from a blood clot-and my dad four months later from cancer.

I think of them everyday, and it still hurts. The one thing I do know, is that if I deny my feelings, it makes me feel worse.

Cry if you need to. Write. Yell. Everyone grieves a little differently.

You are not alone. Keep posting.

I want to tell you I know its not easy. Far from it. 2006 was a downright CRAPPY year for lots of people including me. I am beginning to cry even thinking about it. My best friends uncle died.(he was her guardian and like a second dad to me) one of my other friends girlfriends died also of heart failure, my dog died, my sister had a miscarriage and lost a baby, my soul mate broke up with me. just everything. it was horrible, and thats an understatement. Lets hope we can all make a new beginning, and that things will get better. I really hope that you feel better soon!!just remember we are here for you at pc if you ever need us!! im sorry that your going through this.

ally - I agree - lets hope for a much better second half 2007 and going forward. I even had more things than what I listed happen too - it was surreal. 3 instances of cancer for me in 2006-early 2007. Was having surgery when my father died. Got home and got call from the police. Horrible.

You have my wishes for a better time. We deserve it!

ab1018...
you sound like a very caring person. thank you so much for your wishing me a better time as well. i certainly hope that your year gets better and am sorry for all that you have been put through.

Hi Ab,

I have lost my entire nuclear family: mother, father and only sibling (when he was 38, and I was 26), so I can empathize with how you are feeling.

When my father died in 1992, it looked for awhile like my mother might follow close behind. I asked God to keep her with me, b/c I could not bear to lose both of them at the same time. He answered my prayer, and I did not lose my mom until 1997.

I also had to make the painful decision to disrupt the adoption of a severely-emotionally disturbed child in 2002. She was out of control, and we were physically afraid of her. Psychologically she was not adoption material, b/c despite severe, and I mean severe neglect, plus emotional, sexual and physical abuse, from her birth parents, she was very bonded to them.

Long story short -- the adoption was doomed before it started. The State was just trying to get a financially high maintenance, brain-damaged child off their ledger and onto ours.

Please feel free to PM me anytime.