[Harley326]

TL;DR at the bottom.

I've been with my boyfriend for a long time. Recently, we've hit a rough patch. We're trying to work it out, but I think/know that for us to make things work he really needs to understand mental illness. The hardest thing is that he thinks he does already, and he does know some things, but I feel like he really doesn't understand certain things at all.

I know it's partially my fault. When I was growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my stepmother, to put it lightly. When my dad would go into an episode, he'd say some pretty horrible things to her/about her. I'm ashamed to say, I never felt bad for her when he did this and I told my boyfriend that he meant everything he said. That it was what he really felt. I think I just wanted someone to see her how I saw her and not think she was this perfect saint for stepping up when my mom stepped out. "She didn't have to raise you, but she did." That's the response I got from multiple people anytime I brought up any issues I had with/about her. Fast forward to now....

I've had my own episode. I said some pretty horrible things. I don't even remember half the **** I said, but my boyfriend does, obviously. I try to tell him that I didn't mean it and explain that it wasn't really me. He can't get it out of his head that I'm lying because for years I said that my dad meant everything he said when he was manic. (I honestly believed he did. I wanted it to be true so badly.) I don't know how to reverse what I've done.

TL;DR
I guess what I'm asking is, how do you explain mental illness to someone who believes they already get it because they've had second and third hand experiences (through me) for years?

I think maybe your boyfriend should attend some appointments with you? Maybe seeing/hearing how you describe your emotions to your therapist will help him understand the feelings. I also suggest that he does some research in the illness to better understand what the illness entails and the behavior it causes.

Yes, even support groups or into therapy. Maybe a bipolar movie to help him see?

[UCMATH]

I've been there with an ex and a few old friends. It might be very helpful if your boyfriend could go to an appointment or to group therapy with you.

Maybe you could also tell him that you were dead wrong about your dad. You saw your father's episodes and made the assumption that everything he said while manic was a reflection of how he really felt instead of being the result of an illness. You didn't fully grasp what it's like to have a manic episode until you had one of your own.

I hope things work out.

[Harley326]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Yes, even support groups or into therapy. Maybe a bipolar movie to help him see?

Any movie suggestions?

[Harley326]

Originally Posted by UCMATH

I've been there with an ex and a few old friends. It might be very helpful if your boyfriend could go to an appointment or to group therapy with you.

Maybe you could also tell him that you were dead wrong about your dad. You saw your father's episodes and made the assumption that everything he said while manic was a reflection of how he really felt instead of being the result of an illness. You didn't fully grasp what it's like to have a manic episode until you had one of your own.

I hope things work out.

I have told him I was wrong and about how I just wanted it to be true. He just thinks I'm lying to cover for myself, though. He never actually says "you're lying", but he definitely doesn't believe me when I tell him.

I haven't been going to my therapy appointments as regularly as I should've been, so, at this point, I don't think it would help much with explaining my feelings. Eventually, (hopefully there's an eventually to look forward to) that's the plan. I've got an appointment on Thursday, though. Wish me luck.

[UCMATH]

Of Two Minds is a pretty good documentary about Bipolar. I saw another one called Up/Down on youtube quite a while ago but can't remember what I thought of it. Stephen Fry made a documentary called The Secret Life of the Manic-Depressive. I think it might be on youtube or netflix.

People seem to have mixed reactions to this, but Claire Danes does a pretty good job of playing a character suffering from Bipolar type 1. There are some problems with the way the show portrays BD, but her manic episodes are the most realistic I've seen on TV.

In Melancholia, Kirsten Dunst played a character with an unspecified mental illness, which is probably Bipolar Disorder. Its depiction of Bipolar Depression is spot-on for me, but I know there are varying levels of depression and it won't be representative of everyone.

People seem to like Silver Linings Playbook, but I hate it. I'm not convinced that the lead character has anything resembling manic-depression.

Good luck!!!

I've seen all the ones you mention, UCMATH except for Melancholia (so can't give a comment on that). I hated SLP too!! Especially couldn't stand the portrayal, but ugh on being a crap formulaic movie as well! (There have already been a number of threads on that movie if anyone wanted to search it.)

I liked all the others, though it's been awhile since I've seen them. They each have their own strengths and are different from each other.

Harley, I'd recommend you watch any/all of them for yourself before sharing with BF. Sometimes things just resonate better with our own personal experience, which is what you're trying to convey to him. So see which do that best for you.

Because for the life of me I can never get youtube stuff to just post as a simple link, just add
https://
www.
youtube
.com in front of each of these (but with no spaces of course).

Stephen Fry
The Secret Life of the Manic-Depressive Pt 1
/watch?v=uj8hqXd7N_A

The Secret Life of the Manic-Depressive Pt 2
/watch?v=B3rHTm1YLxA


Up/Down
/watch?v=eyiZfzbgaW4

Of Two Minds
/watch?v=p3QNqGzZ1dE

Homeland I watched (on dvd from library) for the express purpose of seeing how they portrayed it, and I have to tell you, there were junctures where I was struck by what a good job she was doing. Maybe not everything every time, but parts that come particularly to mind….These are all from Season One. She goes manic and has a breakthrough theory and is color coding her "thinking wall" or whatever they call them. I believe it was episode 10 (Marine One). It is possibly episode 11 (The Vest) but I think that is the hospitalization part. "My kingdom for a green pen!"
Depression is shown in episode 12 (Representative Brody).

[nycboots]

I really identified with so many things in Of Two Minds. I remember thinking while watching, 'geesh, if only people saw this they could understand me and how my mind works and the stuff I deal with.' Yet I know that ACTUALLY many people who know me would watch it and never make a connection between me and the subjects of the film unless I was right there next to them saying "yup" and "YES -- that's me too!" and "omg, I've done that...."

[iaem85]

Originally Posted by Harley326

TL;DR at the bottom.

I've been with my boyfriend for a long time. Recently, we've hit a rough patch. We're trying to work it out, but I think/know that for us to make things work he really needs to understand mental illness. The hardest thing is that he thinks he does already, and he does know some things, but I feel like he really doesn't understand certain things at all.

I know it's partially my fault. When I was growing up I didn't have the best relationship with my stepmother, to put it lightly. When my dad would go into an episode, he'd say some pretty horrible things to her/about her. I'm ashamed to say, I never felt bad for her when he did this and I told my boyfriend that he meant everything he said. That it was what he really felt. I think I just wanted someone to see her how I saw her and not think she was this perfect saint for stepping up when my mom stepped out. "She didn't have to raise you, but she did." That's the response I got from multiple people anytime I brought up any issues I had with/about her. Fast forward to now....

I've had my own episode. I said some pretty horrible things. I don't even remember half the **** I said, but my boyfriend does, obviously. I try to tell him that I didn't mean it and explain that it wasn't really me. He can't get it out of his head that I'm lying because for years I said that my dad meant everything he said when he was manic. (I honestly believed he did. I wanted it to be true so badly.) I don't know how to reverse what I've done.

TL;DR
I guess what I'm asking is, how do you explain mental illness to someone who believes they already get it because they've had second and third hand experiences (through me) for years?

Hi Harley326,

I know what you are going through, I've also been with my bf for a long time and we actually live together for 3 years now.
I have also said very very hurtful and horrible things to him. During a mixed state episode I did something hurtful against him.
Luckily nothing bad happened.
He tells me he understands pretty much how BD goes, but truth is there are so many other nuances that he has no idea about. And because of that he sometimes can be a bit pushy and does not understand why for example I feel very skittish if I have to go outside the house.

I bought him a book that has many good reviews which is called "Loving someone with bipolar disorder". I am not sure if he has started it yet or if he will ever read it, but I thought it was worth giving a shot.

Good luck!