[lunaticfringe]

I am going through a really tough time and could use others' perspectives.

I got engaged about five months ago, which was kind of an impulse decision. It happened following a really strange manic period and a hospitalization and I said yes to him thinking it would bring me some much needed stability. I did it with the best of intentions. I truly do love this man and many aspects of our life together (we live together now) but I am feeling more and more unfulfilled with each passing day. My fiance is a wonderful person but our personalities just do not jive in a lot of ways and I'm feeling like a big part of my soul is being neglected. I have been on a med cocktail that seems to be working (?) for about five months now. I am not working and collecting state assistance for my disability.

What I'm wondering is, am I crazy or manic for wanting to call off this engagement? I find myself obsessing over thoughts of travel, especially to go see an old flame that I still have deep feelings for. Is it just my personality to be constantly on the move with no stability or is it part of my illness? I get to a point which my fiance terms insatiable in terms of wanting to get out and do things, have intense conversations. I get to a point where nothing will satisfy me and I get lost in my fantasy world. I have been sleeping less lately and would definitely say I'm hypomanic. ...I thought my meds would get rid of these feelings but they are just as intense as ever.

Like someone else on here posted recently - I seem to be always going through different phases. Each time I think I am making the right decisions for my life, then a few months go by, I realize I was all wrong and move on to the next thing. It's just that at this point I've been through so many phases and made so many mistakes that I do not trust my decision making ability. Should I leave a situation in which I feel unfulfilled or should I stick it out because it's what's best for me? Is this feeling of not being fulfilled a symptom of my illness?

The good thing is that my fiance and I have an open line of communication and I have been very honest with him about all of this. Unfortunately my T and prescriber are both ****** right now and not much help at all.

I'm just so confused. Here I am at yet another crossroads in life with no idea which way to turn. Do I do what FEELS right or stick with logic? Am I doomed to be unhappy either way? I've read a lot of stuff that says to follow your intuition but I know that my intuition will lead me to instability.

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

For what it's worth, I relate to this a lot. I recently got married to someone after knowing them about a week. I am constantly taking ridiculous trips, leaving one man to pursue another, shifting my 'mission' and passions in life from one thing to another. "Insatiable" is a word I've heard often as well Personality or illness? I don't know...I don't see these as separate parts of who I am.

Are you feeling a sense of urgency in making a decision one way or another right this minute? My suggestion, despite the desire and impulse to do otherwise, is to establish a timeframe and wait it out, see how you feel in a month? 6 months? "Logic" and what "feels right" aren't anymore permanent than your moods...you are aware that you change your mind frequently - why not take this crossroads as an opportunity to try and do things differently? Obviously don't marry someone who doesn't fulfill you. But if you truly don't know whether this is actually the case or if it's part of a mood that will pass, then I wouldn't make any hasty decisions you might regret.

Of course, this is all easier said than done. I'd probably be half way to Mexico if I were you :/

[Iamalioness]

I recently had a similar situation. The person I talked to about it said not to make any major decisions because of the state I was in (hypomania); that it sounded like I hadn't made up my mind about what (or who) I truly wanted and to act on it in that moment would be unwise. We did a pros/cons list about it. Maybe that would help you? But I agree with theptarodactyl. Don't make any hasty decisions you might regret.

[lunaticfringe]

Thanks guys. We decided last night that we are going to give it until the end of the summer. I think I'll know by then if it's just a passing feeling or something real.

[Espurr1989]

It is my opinion that those of us with bipolar (and I'm really only speaking from my own experience here) will always have a part of us that will feel unfulfilled, no matter what situation we are in, and no matter how great our lives are at the time. We want all of life, not just a piece of it. We want to experience everything: live in many different types of places, be with many different types of people, pursue many different types of careers or passions. To us the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unfortunately we are caged in by our bodies, the amount of years allotted to us, and the amount of physical resources we are in charge of. With that being said, I think that a big challenge for those with bipolar is to make the most of and find meaning in the opportunities we are presented with in life.

I had similar doubts about being married when I was in the engagement period. Was I making the biggest mistake of my life? Should I go through with it? Would this relationship hold me back from other opportunities that I had the ability to pursue at the time? I ended up marrying him, and yes, I was held back from other opportunities because of the relationship. Yes, I still end up having feelings for other men, even though I am married.

But I also feel as though I have made a great decision. I am happy with the way my life is now, even though I always feel that calling to experience other types of lives. My husband is not abusive. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful nearly every day. We have mutual friends and family who supported our relationship almost from the very start and still do today. Of course, there are levels where we don't connect and at times I feel lonely and want to reach out to other people to meet those needs. However, I need to be careful that I don't ruin a relationship that I spent so much time cultivating. But I feel that I can be satisfied in my marriage and I feel that my husband is a good partner who will work with me in building a life that we can both be proud of and be happy living.

I don't know what the right decision is for you. I do know that marriage is a sacrifice though. I guess the real question is: Is what you are sacrificing worth what you will get in return from the marriage?