[Xoxsagmpxox]

I don't know how to handle my fiancé's bipolar. We've been together for three years. He's been pretty much homeless the whole time we've been together except when he's lived with me or we've lived together. We first started dating long distance when he was going to Teen Challenge Ministry Institute to become a pastor. That's what attracted me to him in the first place. He got kicked out of the school for drinking and smoking marijuana over the Thanksgiving holiday. He's 35, a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and is currently homeless. His father was paying for him to go to therapy and a psychiatrist after his younger brother passed away. He received medication but never really took it no more than a couple days and then he stopped going to his appointments. We got an apartment together last year and we got kicked out because of his mood swings and temper tantrums. He tried to fight people in the apartment complex, threaten them, yelled a lot and broke our door and punched holes in our walls. He has an extremely huge anger problem, and he cannot keep a job for no more than a month. He's had about 7 jobs since we've been together, and everyday he works, he HAS to call me for any reason and when I don't respond exactly how he wants he gets very upset(this has got him fired before)and when he doesn't have a job, he sadly hustles and manipulates people. I honestly think he has some kind of personality disorder other than bipolar. When he was younger he was diagnosed with bipolar and borderline. He never told me this when we first got together. I didn't know until 2 years after being with him. He is completely negative 70% of the time, when nothing goes his way or he's having a bad day but it seems like it's everyday. He hustles people out of their money to get by, or asks his friends and family for help. He is so impulsive with his decisions and paranoid about me cheating on him which I never have. I'm beginning to feel like he isn't reliable to have a future with, that he's not dependable and he can't take care of himself let alone both of us. He's content with how he is living now. I'm close with his mother and she said he's been like this his whole adult life, he's never really had a job, he lost his two children and the same pattern repeats over and over and over with him. He doesn't know how to get along with people without feeling paranoid or people are out to get him. Whenever anybody gives him advice or direction he doesn't take it even if it's a professional, he still thinks he knows what's best for him. He's also depressed and very suicidal. It's hard to be with someone that doesn't want to help themselves and refuses the medication they are given and refuses to go to doctor appointments just because he's having a bad day. I told him to apply for Social Security disability but he doesn't even want to do that because it takes effort. Most of his friends won't talk to him anymore because he only talks to them when he's needs something or try to get money out of them. I love him to death and don't want to give up on him but it's hard to see a future for myself with him. I have a college education and I refuse to be homeless and have him live off of me, I paid most if not all of the bills when we were living together. I feel like he doesn't want to help himself but maybe I just don't understand.

[Homeira]

I think you understand perfectly well what is going on. And I also think you should think long and hard about exactly the question if you really want to live the rest of your life with him. It is one thing to live with a person with a mental illness (whether it is bipolar or something else) when they themselves have some insight into their own issues, and are willing to take professional advice etc. Then I think it is reasonable that one does not give up on that realtionship. But your boyfriend is not at that stage, in stead he is on a very self-destructive path, and he might take you with him. Maybe you should leave him, if only for a while, maybe that will make him realise the huge mistakes he is making? You should not have to go through anguish and all sorts of trauma for a man who is not at all willing to better himself.

[Espurr1989]

Agreed with Homeira. This man does not sound ready to be in a relationship.

[Sunnyhunny00]

He will only ever change if he wants to. It does not appear in anyway that he has understood the errors in his behavior. He's 35.
I'd say save yourself before he brings you down with him, and he will.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

From reading your post, I'm a little unclear of your motivation to stay with him, if I'm being honest. I worry sometimes that people stay with others in relationships that aren't healthy for them, because they want to 'save' that person, don't want to fail them/let them down, or don't want to feel like they just gave up. Or even that they are honoring the love they have/had for this person when he or she wasn't/isn't in the worst part of their illness (or whatever struggle they're facing).

I often wish my bipolar had been more evident or understood, both by me and my husband, before we got married. I wish he had been able to make that decision with his eyes wide open to how this would be with me. And I would never have held it against him if he decided that dealing with this wasn't the best scenario for him emotionally, or for any future family he wanted. I worry sometimes that his love for me has led him into a marriage that is often unrewarding, sometimes infuriating, and other times makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells.

And if I ever got violent with my episodes, I would hope he would leave and would take our kids with him. No one should have to be exposed to that. Even when I'm in a rage, I can (mostly) control myself physically (it gets really hard, sometimes). When I can't control that (which is rare), I turn it on myself. I'm petrified that some day my impulses and emotions from this rollercoaster will make me even worse to be around, or even more volatile...sounds like your fiance is already there. At this point, I'm wondering what positive things you're getting from the relationship? Your relationship should be something to build a solid, positive future on. Do you think your fiance is able to do that at this point? You can't make him, if he's not, and you don't deserve to sit around waiting for the relationship you should have with him. Especially without knowing if that will ever happen.

I think sometimes people are also caught up in the idea that leaving the other person is something like a punishment for their behavior, and they get upset at this idea that it's due to something outside of the other person's control, more or less. A long time ago, I was seriously dating an alcoholic. It took me years to leave him, because I loved him before it got bad, and then saw how hard he tried to get better in the middle. At the end, though, the alcoholism won. It wasn't his 'fault,' but it wasn't healthy for me regardless. I had to choose to leave a relationship that was detrimental to me, because of the circumstances we were in, not the person that I knew he was when he wasn't drinking or the person that I thought he could be one day. I feel like I'm maybe rambling a bit now, but I just don't want you to think you should short-change yourself now because it's not fair to him, somehow, or you have an ideal of how you should stick it out in this relationship. You really don't have to do that, and it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. If the relationship isn't working for you, and you don't see it working in the future, this is the time to realize it, before the vows are spoken. Only you can answer if you think that there is potential for him to realize he needs help and actually get it.

[gris212]

I know you love him, but it isn't a healthy relationship because he doesn't want to accept their is a problem. He isn't making any kind of effort to get better. I agree you should leave him if only for a bit, maybe it'll help open his eyes.

[Homeira]

You are worth a lot more than this, and none of this is your fault. Everyone deserves to be happy and have a good life. I was stuck in a really bad relationship, and I defenately stayed too long. I did not have the self-confidence to leave. I thought I wasn't worthy of having anything else. It was hard to leave, but today I am glad I did. The struggle to get out of that relationship was worth every little battle I had to fight, both with him and with myself. Remember to tell yourself that "this is not how the story is going to end!" And you are a 1000 times worthy of something better.