[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's 3:30 AM. I take a dose of valium when I start to feel calm and another when I start to feel sleepy. I haven't had the first dose yet. That's not good........I've been down for 2 days and now I'm way, way up again. I want to get up and do things. I have no idea what but I don't want to be calm and quiet. I hate this.....And it's scary because there is nothing easy to do if I am more manic; I can't tolerate more Seroquel and I'm going to start Latuda but can't until my dr. has samples, which she isn't allowed to just have, she has to get them only for specific patients with specific needs.

I'm noticing every time I leave home I get manic. This is not a good thing. I can't live my entire life without leaving home......It's just this episode, it's just been going on forever it seems but leaving triggers it. I have no idea what to do about that. Hopefully my therapist has an idea Monday.

[Crazy Hitch]

Mania is not good ... It can feel pretty awful at the best of times!

I see you said that you notice that your symptoms are worse when you go out and I'm wondering if that is because there might be an increase in extra sensory stimulation when you are out vs when you are at home?

I'm glad to hear that you see your therapist on Monday.

I hope that the two of you can sort something out so that you can feel back to your old self again.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yeah, it's the sensory stimulation. I'm very, very sensitive to it. I sleep under a 22 lb blanket and right now (and for the last few months I want to be under it all the time. I'm actually forcing myself to sit on the couch part of the day because the bedroom all the time isn't good. I'm very hypersensitive especially when manic and being out of my safe cocoon of a home is too much. Today I just went to the drugstore, out of eat at a fairly calm place and to one store.

I think my hormones must be doing a little dance as well since I had my first hot flash in so many months I can't remember the last one while I was out and hormones are always a mania trigger for me. Menopause has been a great blessing with my cycling slowing down. But when the hormones play games I pay for it. It's just getting further and further apart.

And I missed a med (gabapentin) for a few days and that threw me. It's not supposed to be one that does a lot but I have now learned it does more than I think.

Mania is just not a pretty thing. And I'm scared that it's getting worse. One problem we had was that I was getting a better but still dealing with it and in June I always get manic. So this could be the meds, hormones, random cycling or mania imposed on mania. And that one I can't bear to think about.