[BeyondtheRainbow]

I probably will try to handle this next time and I'll probably see him twice next week.

But he's saying that I'm "extremely sick" and he can tell I feel terrible. Which I do.

But on the other hand I don't know that I feel that bad. I mostly feel terrible but it seems like if I ignore feeling agitated and anxious and manic and exhausted and like the mixed episode is playing tug of war with me I'm not unable to function. Which I guess I'm calling being "not that bad". I'm not functioning WELL, it took 3 days to load the dishwasher because of distractibility but I've managed to keep up with laundry, even ironed some stuff. I did eventually run the dishwasher. I have taken care of some medical bill issues and gotten stuff together for Medicaid (granted some of it was about 3 weeks later than it should have been but still in time, I think). I've had times that I just curled up like a pillbug when I'm not sure I was as messed up as I am right now. I feel like I'm handling things.

Mania? Not real? Something I'm managing out of stubborness or burning off manic energy? I don't know.

But I feel both terrible and ok and I don't know how to explain that so I left it with terrible. I SHOULD feel terrible. I think if someone started pointing out the reasons I'm not ok I'd fall apart and so I'm scared to talk about that.

I have no idea what is going on. Tug of war is all I feel and it's not all the end of the world bad. I'm not euphoric in any way. Although maybe I have pathetic euphoria? I feel like I'm telling him what is going on reasonably well. I just don't know.

I guess I'll figure it out by Monday unless someone can explain to me what I'm feeling.....I've been mixed a hundred times and don't remember this so I don't think it's that.....

[wiretwister]

I should be slapped for saying this with my history,, but honesty is the best policy,, tell him the truth.. just my thought on it.. I wish you the best..

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I know.......but I'm so confused........

[wiretwister]

I have to ask my wife how I am doing.... I see what I want too,, she see's what is.... only thing that tells me where I am.... maybe time to let someone else help,, and even though it is hard,,, trust them....

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I pretty much know what my mom thinks. She is highly unlikely to pick up on psychosis. And actually it's likely enough that this is the first time I've had this much psychosis at once and the first time anyone was afraid of throwing me into a complete psychotic break. I seriously doubt my mom would see that. I know she is worried because I have trouble talking and making sense sometimes and because I am so, so tired. As far as she is going to notice she's very worried and has said a bunch of times that she is afraid I'll be hospitalized. So she's about the same as me.

Therapist knows more about psychosis. I don't know if he's seeing it or just going on what I told him. I guess I need someone in my head to tell me what I'm thinking and feeling and is it normal. I think a lot isn't but it FEELS normal at this stage, does that make sense? So now we've established there is psychosis but how much of the time am I psychotic? I'm assuming not that much because my therapist didn't call my pdoc immediately but he's worried so it's not something to ignore.

My current safety is that I'm not suicidal. The thoughts are there sometimes but just fleeting, not dangerous. I guess we have to treat this before I am in danger from that. Right now putting that kind of plan together is beyond me so there is that.

I just don't know how I feel exactly or how I feel about what I learned today. Nor do I know what to tell him. I'm keeping things frmo him and I don't even know what they are.