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#1
Jun 06, 2015, 12:11 AM
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Thought I knew myself quite well.. have had a" revelation. ". I hide it well but I am so full of rage I have no idea how I have lived so long.. never saw it in my actions and thoughts.. but it explains my self hate and my total intolerence to others... on the surface calm and cool.. but the real me , hte dark me under the surface plots ways to torture kill and maim others... my pacing and vile thoughs have consumed me for years.. but I never saw it for what it is... people will probably hate me for saying this out loud.. I feel I need to confess it..to let it out so I can deal with it...to be my own T I will blame it on my mother.. see there passed the blame already.. why it eluded me for so long is my good side is a true boyscout.. helping little old ladies across the street....I never knew where this hatefulness came from...
I know I will regret this post in the AM,, but I feel I must be honest tonight..... please don't judge me too hard.... |
 Crazy Hitch, Fuzzybear, jacky8807, raspberrytorte, ~Christina
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#2
Jun 06, 2015, 12:36 AM
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Lots of people with Bipolar have rage buried. I deal with it , alot... bet you never knew that
 Since I am so cool and awesome eh But seriously, its good to admit it and let it out.. good for you, Now you can learn to process it and enjoy life more 
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
| wiretwister
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 wiretwister
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#3
Jun 06, 2015, 12:39 AM
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Ive had rage even today. It happens....so long as we don't act on our little fantasies! Ha!
Let it all out!
__________________
schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin |
| wiretwister, ~Christina
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| wiretwister
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#4
Jun 06, 2015, 12:48 AM
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Anger has always been an issue for me. Prior to my recent meds change the slightest thing would set me off, and I would often be left standing there, wondering where on earth all the rage and anger and hatred for the world had come from. And once it had started it consumed all thought and reason until it was released, often in an explosive and destructive way.
For me, a lot of it has to do with the utter frustration I feel with the thoughts running through my head. They taunt me, they jeer me, they tell me how useless and hopeless and worthless I am, until I get to a point where I cannot stand the noise any longer. The war raging in my mind between who I am, who I want to be, and what my mind tell me puts me on the edge of losing it long before anything actually happens IRL to finally push me over. If you haven't already, it would definitely be something I would be discussing with your Pdoc / therapist.
__________________
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes"  Success and failure are two of many words we get to define, not society. Our success depends on definition and intentions, not actions |
| Anonymous37961, Chickenkicker, Fuzzybear, IowaFarmGal, wiretwister, ~Christina
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| wiretwister
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#5
Jun 06, 2015, 01:45 AM
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You should have no regrets when you post here (((tigs))) - we are all here to listen
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| wiretwister
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#6
Jun 06, 2015, 01:53 AM
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This was something I definitely had to learn. I have one friend who is the nicest person on earth and I knew he would never hurt me back so if he made me angry I got really, really angry and was cruel to him. I finally decided that I didn't want to be like that anymore and so I told him to make me start over if I was mean and I worked with my therapist on handling frustration/broken expectations better. It's been at least 8 years now since I exploded at my safe person. I also used to get extremely angry at my sister, I think because I was jealous that her life did not include bipolar. But eventually she was the first family member to actually learn about the disorder and ask intelligent questions and that helped me understand. It turns out that she married someone with pretty heavy depression/anxiety disorder (maybe even a hint of bipolar) so this stuff is in her life anyway. And our family has such a high incidence of it that her kids are at risk as well. Suddenly there was no more rage at her. Now I think I turn it inwards as much as anything else but I've definitely learned to cope with it. I still go overboard like showing I'm really annoyed about something stupid to a clerk in the shoe department one day recently and he was a nice guy who tried hard to help me. Now it's not rage, it's a bad attitude for lack of a better description. Better than yelling, still not appropriate.
I don't think less of you, i think you are human and have bipolar.......
__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
| wiretwister
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| wiretwister
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#7
Jun 06, 2015, 05:59 AM
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 I think this maybe a major underlying cause of a lot of my anxiety.... 
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#8
Jun 06, 2015, 06:03 AM
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Yes you are....  Ty.
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#9
Jun 06, 2015, 06:04 AM
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#10
Jun 06, 2015, 06:10 AM
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#11
Jun 06, 2015, 06:31 AM
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#12
Jun 06, 2015, 09:11 AM
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I have rage too..I have been destructive..ppl irritate me..I understand you. Makes me feel so evil inside..but I want to be good. I try..its like a jack n the box..sooner or later the insain clown gonna pop..and it probably fears u like it does me.
__________________
Bipolar 1 Borderline Personality Disorder Generalized Anxiety Disprder *no meds currently
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| wiretwister
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| wiretwister
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#13
Jun 06, 2015, 09:16 AM
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| irritable4life
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#14
Jun 06, 2015, 10:18 AM
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I'm the nice, quiet, sweet girl at work. If only they knew... I'm a passive aggressive *****. I have mini temper tantrums where melons (usually cantalopes because I hate those) get smashed. I've even had homicidal feelings towards my boss in the past (NOT NOW).
Actually, one time someone walked in on one of my mini tantrums and thought it was hilarious and ended up telling EVERYONE. Little ****.
__________________
The darkest of nights is followed by the brightest of days. 😊 - anonymous The night belongs to you. 🌙- sleep token "What if I can't get up and stand tall, What if the diamond days are all gone, and Who will I be when the Empire falls? Wake up alone and I'll be forgotten." 😢 - sleep token |
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#15
Jun 06, 2015, 11:17 AM
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I don't have this issue. How does one became angry so quickly? It takes me time to get upset.
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#16
Jun 06, 2015, 03:39 PM
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#17
Jun 06, 2015, 05:16 PM
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I don't think less of you for this post
 (((((((( tigger ))))))))
__________________
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#18
Jun 06, 2015, 05:38 PM
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.... my friend ..
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| Fuzzybear
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#19
Jun 06, 2015, 05:44 PM
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| lovejoy91
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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