Recognizing my issues + taking actions

Past 2 Years, I have been experiencing more episodes of "depressness" than "manic". I hate to admit it, but I believe my biggest issue with depressness lies with difficulty of getting through a misunderstanding/rejection.

I met this lady as a classmate studying in the same faculty as mine. She has a tiny-built and a soft-spoken person. I like to observe the plus points of people than their demerits, but she stood out among the rest of the people. Feeling determined to know her better, I decided to step out to talk to her

shared about several past experiences, I mentioned that I had a horrible childhood when I was attending schools, being made fun of my name and my parents, that I had contemplated suicide at several points in my life(But not anymore). Even though it wasn't intentional, she simply told me this, " Suicide does not make anything better at all, it just eliminates the possibility of things becoming hopeful ". That statement itself left a deep mark in my life. It served as a repeated reminder during my episodes of "depressness", if I had ended my life, I would have let everybody down.

There were times we had misunderstandings, that led her to keep ignoring my texts message. Eventually, I had decided to invite her out for a meal simply just to patch up misunderstandings, not because I have interest in her. She politely declined, and I took it as she's fine with it. From that day onwards, she ignored my texts for days, and I was really confused about what went wrong. Then as time passed, I began to feel like I've fallen for her, but I denied all sorts of feelings, assuming that I'm simply being polite.

Til today, we have not had a proper conversation. It has gotten so bad that during times of depressness, I could not even lift myself out of bed. The moment of semi-awake, was simply thinking about her, snuggling my bolster as if I was cuddling with her. I simply slept longer and skipped some of my lectures, or even skipped school. I felt the world turned against me, there was not a slightest bit of hope, and repeatedly reproach myself for being the cause of this. I indulged in comfort eating, but it was no use at all. Many times I visualize myself walking into a reservoir and drown without any struggles. No matter what, I simply refuse to give in to this thoughts because I'm always reminded of what she has said.

Ironically, the person whom benefitted me, turned out to be the same person that I'm avoiding as much as possible. As I'm currently in my 4th week of my 16 weeks internship at a company, my mind is calmed down, accept it as part of my life, but sometimes when depression mode kicks in, it sends me back down to "hell". It feels so painful of an experience to bear with. Others have been through worse than me, but I wonder if I am even making it out of this alive at all.

What if even though I've stabilized my mood during my 16 weeks outside school working, and I end up returning to square one the moment I see her again? Sigh, I wish I could simply just wish that I was born to deal with this without getting my emotions out of place.

So, what is your goal? How are you going to show your "self" love?
What can you do to comfort your "self"?

When I experience depression, things that happened many years ago and that I am over by now, suddenly feel as fresh as though they had happened just yesterday. My mind will hone in on and anything and everything that is sad or tragic in nature, and my past experiences are simply included in that. However, this is a matter if depression taking hold and unearthing old things, in addition to focusing obsessively on present-day sad and tragic things. The things themselves are not causing the depression, but rather the depression is honing in on said-things.

I also have emotional trauma-based issues, sort of like a complex PTSD or BPD type thing going on, at the same time. This is a separate set of issues unto itself, and works in the reverse. Certain situations can trigger these issues.

Whereas again, depression manifests as a random mood episode and goes digging around for issues.

Depression issues as well as all of my mood disorder issues can only be tackled with proper medication.

My emotional issues concerning childhood trauma cannot be fixed with medication, only with the right type of therapy and a lot of dedicated time and effort in that regard.

Distinguishing these two sets of issues can be hard, and having to deal with them both simultaneously is extremely overwhelming.

Your post gives me the impression that you are dealing with more than just a mood disorder, perhaps similar to my situation, and that you might need a really good therapist in addition to psychiatry.

My 2 cents opinion.

I aim to give myself ample time to be fully aware of how to deal with my current self.

I'm not into reading books or novels at all but recently, I began reading books written by authors who have faced more hardships with Bipolar Disorder, been through trial and errors of remedies to align themselves back on track.

It sooths my mind a step at a time, with sound wisdoms offered by adults who've been through more hardships, that I could learn to apply them to my life, or some that may take time to internalize.

Right now, I recognize that my old-self still dwells in the past over unintentional mistakes. It has been trying to pull me back into the darkness the moment it finds an opportunity when "depressive" state kicks in.

One step I've taken to comfort myself, was to assist my mates with their issues (over an online game, in a chat group). This way, I reduce my focus on my current issues, and helping them to achieve a positive results have made me learnt very important lessons, that I find useful in the future.

Exactly, what the first paragraphs describes.

Everyone experience them differently. Some people could handle this sort of stuff better than I do. I'm probably more sensitive towards emotions of people, which makes it more difficult to simply just treat things like a pinch of salt.

My first psychiatric session will be the end of this week. I am still nervous about the whole thing of consuming mood-relieving pills.

I'm not going to rely on meds alone, I'm determined to take steps to tune my life back on a straight path, with the supports I can gather.

What I noticed about your post is that
1. You hone in on one person obsessively.
2. You overshare too soon, as though this person is being viewed as a therapist or maternal figure.
3. When the person blatantly but politely expresses they are not interested, you continue to persist, as though you are a glutton for being rejected.
4. Then you obsess about it more and feel very depressed about it.

All of this is a matter of attachment/bonding issues, which is more so in the realm of psychology than psychiatry.

However I do believe that tackling mood disorder symptoms first with proper medication can make it much easier to then try to tackle psychological problems.

Damn, that was a critical blow to me.

Nonetheless, currently I am starting to feel that a burden is being lifted off me, probably thanks to you making me realize that what issues were actually hindering me. I wish I had realized this long ago.

Really, if I could give you a million thanks for this post. Very much appreciated.

It's very murky and confusing waters to try to wade through and tackle. Comorbidity of mood disorders and attachment problems from childhood issues make for one hell of an ugly and confusing combination, and in my experience they also trigger the **** out of each other. But there is hope and you can do this. I've been working on it for years and have made noticeable progress, and frankly some of my reactions and behaviors in the past regarding obsessing over people and have attachment/rejection issues were a lot more severe and in retrospect quite embarrassing. But it is possible to overcome this crap. Hang in there.

It's really hard to know if the depression is making you obsess about this situation or if the situation is making you depressed, you know? But either way I feel like this is the kind of situation where some good therapy may actually help. Very goal oriented therapy designed to desensitize your emotional triggers from the person. EMDR and or hypnosis can be helpful here. Some CBT might help too. Then if the situation is causing you to be depressed it may help and if the depression is making you have difficulty with this situation than at least you may reduce the trigger there.

You can do it. Rejection and etc from others is the worse during a depression. ugh. so sorry.