[Dancinggods]

Hello, I am bipolar with hypersomnia and am a stay at home father. I have 3 year old twin boys and a 10 year old step daughter who is with us every other week. My wife has an erratic schedule that is never the same week by week and sometimes changes last minute. There is no routine to hold on to with her work schedule and sometimes she works as much as 10 hours a day. There are some days she starts getting ready for work at 8am and doesn't get home until 8pm. I am diagnosed with hypersomnia, which is excessive daytime sleepiness, essentially a way of saying by a get tired during the day a lot and no one knows why. I get fatigued from around 11-4 pm everyday and generally require a nap even when my little ones don't want one. More than one activity for the day i.e. The library, the grocery store, swimming Etc. Can wipe me out for a few days afterwards (for instance going to the grocery store THEN going to see my friend's band play that night, without drinking, just socializing.) when I'm tired, which is almost every day, unless I don't go out or do anything, I am easily triggered, which can manifest in extreme rage, cataclysmic depression that drags everyone down or high speed manic episodes that can escalade into super anxious panic attacks. I am on tegratol 800 mg a day, which does help, but I still have these aforementioned issues.

I wanted to see if there is anyone out there who is the primary parent with their kids during the day and how they deal with their symptoms while still being in charge.

Thanks!

[Capriciousness]

Wow. That sounds so rough. Three year old twin boys! I don't have any good advice for you. It just is so hard.

[~Christina]

Welcome fellow Nashvillian I honestly have no grand advice. I have Fibromyalgia and I am always fatigued and I have insomnia all my life.. so i understand the overwhelming exhaustion that never ends!

Welcome to PC

Hi Dancinggods, welcome to PC!

I'm sorry hun, that's a hard thing to do to have 3 tots on your hand. Listening to you though, they're lucky to have you as a dad.

When I was raising my child, I wasn't diagnosed and I'm sure I came across as a monster because he's thought I hate him a few times. But since I was DX'd, I was able to watch and somewhat control myself, which is a plus that you have, the knowing of your condition.

All you can do is the best that you can in a loving way. And in them bad times when you're feeling bad, practice restraint, even if you feel like raging.

The best I can say is to figure what works best for you and go with it. Good luck sweety, I'm sure you'll do fine!

Maybe put on a movie in the living room and nap on the couch while they watch? I don't have kids but my sister does, and when she gives them a kindle with a movie on they're entertained for hours.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

I have two kids under 10. I was home with my first for the first 8 months of her life, pre dx. It was awful...and the worse for knowing that I 'should' have loved it. So many mothers would have killed to stay home with their child. It was miserable for me. Then I went back to work FT, and she went to daycare. That was better, but still loads of guilt for sending to daycare. We moved cities and reduced my working hours when I had my son. He went into daycare just before he turned two - otherwise I worked from home with him.

My husband's schedule is like your wife's for about 7-8 months of the year. Unpredictable hours, lots of long days, no routine. Sometimes I get a call that he won't be home until tomorrow or for several days. Having that kind of volatility in the home life was extremely challenging for me for years.

I have been dx with BP for a year now. One of the things that having the dx has allowed me to do is actually acknowledge that there is a bio-chemical reason that I respond poorly to the stress of volatility, not being able to make plans, always having to be 'on' for the kids, etc. Working with my T, I started to give myself permission to not live up to unreasonable (and unnecessary!) expectations or standards for my parenting and home life that I had arbitrarily set. These are all the 'shoulds/should nots' I had amassed over the years. I discussed them with my husband, who is totally supportive of my doing what I need to support my mental health and appreciative of what I do in the home and with our kids to support the work he does.

(What follows speaks mostly to the depression side of the pendulum...where I struggle most.) I allow my kids to watch 'tv' (the laptop) when I need a break. Even if I need breaks several times in the same week. Sometimes for hours on end. (Particularly in the summer when they have fewer responsibilities they need to be focusing on and it's too hot to be outside.) I had my daughter make lunch last week when she was at an off-hours camp and home during the morning. I buy some convenience foods that are quick & easy to prepare so I don't have to expend energy when I'm feeling low - even if the food is mostly crap. My kids both know how to get their own snack & drinks. I let them make ice cube trays with some mixture they concoct (whole berries and water in the latest one) totally unsupervised so I can lay on the couch. I realize a lot of this is challenging with the twins, but your stepdaughter should be able to handle some of it when she's with you.

For me the key was letting go of the things I thought I should be doing and focusing on the things that would get us all reasonably/safely through the day. I remember when they were much younger, though, and it was so unbearably hard a lot of the time to be everything to and for them. The dependency was really hard, and left me totally depleted. The good news is that that gets better over time. The more independent they get, the easier it is for you, too. My kids are old enough to ride their bikes together out front without me sitting there. My daughter reads books to my son. They have extraordinary imaginations, so they'll create and play games together for hours. I have spent the last year vocalizing how I'm feeling with them so that they understand when I need to lie on the couch for a couple of hours, or when I'm short-tempered. My daughter understands it a little more fully and we've talked about emotions going up and down for me, sometimes swiftly and sometimes painfully slowly. Having those discussions with her has made her really empathetic with me, and helps us both when the BP leads me to do things I regret (snapping at her unnecessarily, getting disproportionately angry, not feeling like participating). I don't know how your relationship is with your stepdaughter, but if you haven't talked it over with her and you feel like it would be OK, you might discuss some of it with her.

Sorry for the novel...one of the impulses I can never seem to check is getting out everything that's on my mind. And this topic has been a really big one in my life. Good luck, and know that you're not alone in it.