[HeartShapedBox]

I always knew there was something "wrong" with me as a child. In high school things took an ugly turn with my first major depressive episodes. Too proud to tell my parents what I was going through I numbed the pain with alcohol.

At the age of 18 I ran to the psychiatrist. At first I was mis-diagnosed with depression/OCD/general anxiety disorder. The SSRI's the doctors put me on helped me experience my first manic episodes (which I loved, at first.)

Throughout my early 20's I didn't take my mental health or physical health very seriously. I was majorly spiraling out of control with drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex and severe manic and depressive episodes. All of this lead to my first hospitalization.

After getting out of the hospital I still didn't take my mental health very seriously but I was determined to live a better life "naturally." I took to cleaning up my diet, I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes; Then something amazing happened, I started running. In 18 months I lost 90 pounds, ran my first Marathon then an Ironman, then I got into cycling and went nuts with endurance sports. All the while I was riding dangerously high mania's. I learned to trick my body into manic episodes through extreme exercise and pshychedelic drugs.

This all came crashing down when I went through a major break-up with my ex fiancé. I went through another serious depressive phase that ended up with me being hospitalized again. At this point I decided to get serious about my disease. I got a good psychiatrist whom a trust. She was the first person to diagnose me as Bipolar. It was a long 2 years trying different meds and getting them dialed in. What sucks is I was a respected endurance athlete; While taking different medications Ive piled on nearly 60lbs in three short years. BUT I have managed to hold down a job and Ive got my own place.

Ive been taking Symbyax in the evening and Adderall XR in the morning for 6 months and I have been mostly stable; And I absolutely hate it! I miss being creative, being an athlete, being the life of the party. Now Im just another guy that goes to work, to come home, to do nothing, to go to work again. The monotony is sucking the soul out of me! I dream of taking off on my bicycle and camping as I go to wherever the wind takes me. Ive never been free of the societal system in which I have never truly fit in. This is probably the disease talking but Im tired of fighting the good fight.

This morning Ive been badly depressed; Im cycling (depressive phase) again and Im worried about having to go to work tomorrow. The earliest my doctor could get me in is Friday morning.

I deep down want a friend like me. I have never reached out to the bi-polar community before (probably out of pride.) But here I am 30 years later looking for help! Ive spent the past 2 days reading peoples stories on this forum and in all honesty, it has what has kept me going. I find solace in the fact Im not alone

[Row Jimmy]

HSB, welcome to the threads......a Nirvana fan, I see? I can play a little Kurt Cobain on my guitar but when he starts to bend it is when I can't keep up!

Head over to the "New Member" thread when you have a chance and introduce yourself to the community. Some of the wiser elders will welcome you aboard with some tips.

I can relate to your feelings about social pressures and "fitting in". I'm recently diagnosed BP (sounds like you're about 50 like me) and was always the life of the party, setting the pace for all to follow. But I didn't want to live like that anymore. My BP was making it worse (or vice versa) so I just withdrew from it all with *no* regrets. Been there, done that, nothing left to prove. My old friends can carry the torch for me now. That's their life, I have my own. I developed my own new habits that help me become a better person.

It was hard moving on but I am in the process of changing how I live and feel great about it. You can find ways off the monotony.....you just have to look. Like you, I'm an athlete (I played hockey) and recently got serious about the gym again. Look for things that you enjoy but also find true peace in the simple things in life like opening the sunroof and cruising down the highway, listening to Iggy Pop at volume 11.

Keep working at finding whatever combination (habits, medical) that works for you. It may not be quick or easy and I've been told by many people that something like this is never truly "cured" so stick with it.

OK, rock on!

[~Christina]

Welcome to PC

[Wander]

Welcome!! You are not alone. Keep reading through the posts, they help me immensely too; and post as much as you need. I wish you all the best.

You should feel really good about all you did with endurance sports. I have a similar story but with yoga. When I was depressed I couldn't drag myself to go, even though I knew it would make me feel better. Finally I started going once a week for a while, and then upped it from there. And wouldn't you know it, I started to feel better! Maybe start with a walk around the neighborhood? It sounds like being active brought you a lot of joy, purpose, and stability, so I would try my best to start slowly and see what happens! Definitely not easy but it will be so worth it. Baby steps!

[HeartShapedBox]

Originally Posted by jupiter3

You should feel really good about all you did with endurance sports. I have a similar story but with yoga. When I was depressed I couldn't drag myself to go, even though I knew it would make me feel better. Finally I started going once a week for a while, and then upped it from there. And wouldn't you know it, I started to feel better! Maybe start with a walk around the neighborhood? It sounds like being active brought you a lot of joy, purpose, and stability, so I would try my best to start slowly and see what happens! Definitely not easy but it will be so worth it. Baby steps!

I ran today and feel much better. I doubt I will ever be the athlete I once was. The medication just kills the fire; so to speak.

My doc took me off symbax and started back up on zyprexa to stop the **** spiral (I was in a pretty dangerous mixed state)

Anyways, I appreciate the kind words and Im glad to be feeling better

[RomanJames2014]

Welcome!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Honeebee]

Just wanted to say hi. I'm new here too. We have to hang in there ,as much as we don't want to at times.

Hello and welcome. This is a nice place to connect with others who have BP.