I'd love to start this by saying "Hypothetically......"

But that won't work. In fact this whole things seems stupid. But it's so real in my mind. I want to ask for help. I justhope anyone who recognizes me forgives me for feeling the way I do...

You make friends on PC. Some casual, others you get close to because you just 'click'. You get close. You consider them family. I'm not talking intimate, But close enough to share your thoughts and your fears. You 'let them in'.

I know that a trait of bipolar is insecurity. I'm hoping someone can relate to this.... For me, it has certainly been a companion of mine through out my life. I am fortunate now that IRL, although I have no friends, I do have a supportive family that gives me the constant reassurance that I crave.

But online, I find it so much harder. It's not jealousy. It's not possessiveness. It's not even wanting attention. It's all about thinking I have lost a friend because of something I have done. Why my brain goes there I don't know. And it happens so fast. Thinking that I have upset someone, or have pushed them away becuase of something I have done, crushes me. It consumes my IRL thinking and ability to cope. It affects my moods. I think about it. I think about them. I replay conversations in my mind. I beat myself up for things I have said, for things that could have be taken wrong. Because I cannot see them, was the timing of what I said wrong? Should I have been more sensitive to something that was going on in their world? Over and over and over these thoughts play. My T would tell me to identify the thoughts and try to rationalize them. And I do. But the insecurity remains, eating away at me like termites at a piece of soft timber. All of us have mental health issues. All of us have real life 'stuff' that needs to be dealt with, which saps us of our time, energies and capacity to give. I get that.

But does anyone else have the problem that they 'need' to hear from their friends in order to know they are ok, and selfishly know that they are 'ok' with you? Oh man, this sounds so wrong. I've talked to someone else IRL about this, and they tell me it's understandable for me to feel as I do, because they know what I'm like and realize that my online friends mean so much to me. But it feels so wrong. I hate myself for it, because it must put pressure on those I call friends.

If anyone can relate, could you please share how you deal with feelings of insecurity?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oh my, I have this problem too. On here I'm always worried that I did something wrong. I have worked out with one IRL friend that I can always ask "ok?" and get reassurance. That's the only IRL friend I really have had in my life a long time and am close enough to that I need the system. I used to get panicky and pick fights when I felt insecure. That wasn't working so I worked on it in therapy for a long time and got better at handling it. But I still wonder "why didn't they answer that email? What did I say wrong? Did something I did in the past come up and make them angry? etc." to the point I considered quitting PC last week and backed away and didn't post for about a week. But eventually I decided to try again and the anxiety is better now, at least for the time being. If there is actually proof that there is a problem, which there was on PC, I really have no idea how to cope. So I run away and hide and don't sleep and have nightmares. It's something I still have to work at and probably always will.

I understand. I have no answers but I understand.

[Nammu]

I'm so sorry, that sounds like such a bad place to be in. I like PC because it's easier than real life. I do worry about those I meet here when I don't see them around on PC. Mostly I'm ok with thinking I've done something on here that would alienate someone or cause them to think I was a needy too sick person to chat with. But when I'm in a bad place I constantly think I've insulted someone or that I offended someone on here. Especially after I get opinionated, starting to be manic and think I know all the answers.

However I've found that this is one of the most understanding group of people because they've been in that spot and they do understand. I've been here 5 years now and most everybody has their up and downs, the monitors do a good job at keeping this a safe place and when someone gets too off the rails they get a warning. So please don't be so hard on yourself. I understand and I'm willing to bet most people here understand it too.

I have asked for my two accounts to be deleted a couple of times for this reason. I just don't want to hurt someone and It gets to the point where I don't want to log on because I don't want to feel disappointed, thinking that I have upset them. It's pathetic. I am so hearing what you are saying. I'm not sure what would happen if I did the 'ok?'. It's a great idea, but I'm not sure it's 'healthy' for a friendship, especially one online...

[Nammu]

That exposed feeling is hard for me too. I'm so afraid of getting judged or hurt. That has gotten better with the years.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think the "ok" thing is ok and healthy if it is agreed upon between both parties and the reasons are understood. For us it was better than me getting angry all the time. And as time has passed I have needed it less and less but it is always there. If my friend is confused by my asking we talk about why although usually it is obvious because my friend was extra busy or traveling or whatever. I don't know; it works for us. I haven't introduced it to other relationships though and I don't know if I ever would.

How do you introduce something like the 'ok' without conveying a sense of lack of trust in the friendship? There is a real possibility introducing that could actually upset them........

[BeyondtheRainbow]

We talked it out. I just said that I was tired of the rage I felt when I got afraid the friendship was faltering. My friend of course didn't mind not being a victim of that. I told him I would work on it in therapy and I did. I worked hard for a while on trusting people who I knew deep down were not out to hurt me. After I did that I no longer felt angry if I didn't hear from my friend but I still felt a great deal of stress. So we discussed that and without really putting it into words we went with this system. It kind of evolved from my trying to be honest and not mean when I was upset and at first that meant a paragraph of "I'm feeling very scared and this is why and I hate to do this to you and I feel so bad but I need reassurance yet again and I wish I were a stronger, better person. Etc." And he kept reassuring me that I was ok to ask that and that I didn't need to feel bad and so then we went with the ok system so I didn't beat myself up for feeling insecure. Well, I still did, but I did it less about my friend and more about everyone else in the world. It got to the place that I can ask my therapist what he thinks about something I'm worrying about, like issues with my mom or sister when I feel like I did something bad in our relationships or when I feel picked on or misunderstood and he helps me sort it out. The ok thing wouldn't ever work with them.

[wiretwister]

real life, cyber life, it's hard to hold it together ... things happen ... feelings get misunderstood ... but I think most here get it ...

[A Hobbit]

My problem is that I do it with my wife. Of 18 years!

I ask her, "Are we okay?" Or worse, "Do you love me?" She replies, "We are absolutely ok. I'm your wife!" And I know that I should believe her, but my mind is just broken.

So, yes, online interaction is very bad; very hard. I can't believe I posted this, as I am convinced that it make me look like an idiot. I'll definitely dwell on and regret this all night, at least.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

A hobbit-You don't look like an idiot. You look like you took a risk and were vulnerable and that's all. I'm glad your wife has kind, positive answers. I wish everyone's spouse was as kind.