[ilovegeocities]

I'M SORRY THIS IS SO MUCH but I would really like to hear about some of your experiences and opinions if you have the patience to read this. I could use a little help and support.

So, relevant background:

I've been struggling with depression for most of my life. I had my first episode when I was nine and have been having them repeatedly since then. When I'm not deeply depressed, I tend to exist in a dysthymic space, as if my baseline is just naturally low. I'm determined to change this and adopt a very positive outlook on life. I think I can do it.

My dad also has the same issue. He had his first episode at 10 and he's been struggling since then. His diagnosis is Dysthymic Disorder with major depressive episodes. I don't want to struggle my whole life.

I haven't tried that many medications- I was on wellbutrin in high school, which I didn't realize was making it worse but it DID, I manifested many OCD symptoms which were almost immediately relieved upon cessation of the drug. I just thought it was me, and I kept it to myself. I was on lexapro for a couple years, but I guess it might have stopped working or the dose wasn't high enough and I was switched to lamictal. I have been on lamictal for 2 years now. I was at 200mg for most of that time but recently increased the dose to 300mg as I had a really, really bad depressive episode, which has much a HUGE difference, I think. I was suicidal a month ago and now (well not at this particular moment, but overall) I've been in a generally upbeat mood and have been having the urge to socialize and I've actually been getting out of bed and being quite productive.

In addition to this, I have ADHD. More inattentive than anything else, but it's definitely been something I've had my whole life. I've done all the testing and the level of impairment is very significant (the gaps between my brainpower and some areas and others are large, so it's more so about reduction in my overall life potential), and my level of functioning isn't that great. I'm very well taken care of by my family for which I am infinitely grateful, but I know this won't always be the case.

I took vyvanse through most of high school and it helped a lot. I've taken it on an as-needed basis since then and now it tends to jazz me up at first, which is pretty normal I guess, but then once I adjust to the dose I come back down. I try to avoid taking it because on the days that I DO take it, I can hardly sleep the night after, and not for lack of effort. I recently took it during this depressive episode in an effort to regain some energy and motivation but it seemed like it made it worse, like I became almost agitated and frantically anxious so I stopped. I don't really remember if I took it before or after things got REALLY bad.

So where I'm at now:

The bipolar question has come to the forefront with my psychiatrist. I definitely have periods of time where I'm energized, excited about life, productive, more talkative and social (Though I'm always pretty chatty), more confident, more creative. I have issues with impulse control, particularly with money, but it seems to be more of an all-the-time kind of thing. I go on spending sprees when I have an unexpected influx of money, but that's been something I've been doing since I was 14 years old. The biggest problem is that I have no idea what qualifies as "normal." Psychiatrists ask "the questions" and I KNOW what they're asking, and I don't know what the accurate answer is to communicate the way I'm feeling. I went to see my psychiatrist and she asked, "are you having any elevated mood?" and the intuitive answer is yes! I'm not laying in bed all day, crying all the time, I've been doing a lot of things despite not having many obligations at the moment. I've been SUPER productive compared to how I've been in a LONG time. I feel good, relatively optimistic about the future and I have a lot of ideas about stuff I want to do. But I'm still sleeping (maybe even more than usual). It gets so confusing because I DEFINITELY have ADD, definitely not misdiagnosed, but the symptoms overlap significantly.

I DO remember a period of time a couples years back when I was in art school when I was going like a WORKHORSE in a way I hadn't before, but I think it was because I FINALLY found something I felt I really liked and could actually see myself doing. But it could be described as feeling "up," I guess. (But these "up" feelings or periods of time have never had any major consequences) I would wake up energized (not sleeping as much but still clocking in at least 6 hours of sleep but usually more) would work all day, like I could sit and paint for 12 hours. At times, it was like sleeping was an objective choice, but I always opted to do so because not sleeping has a profound effect on my mood and sends me down, fast. But the interest faded as it became more routine and I switched from painting to making music and the same things happened. Just working obsessively, then burning out. My memory isn't very great in general, so I can't remember that many specifics. I told my psychiatrist about times when I would leave parties at my own house to paint in my room, but 1) I forgot that I was always stoned when I would do that and 2) that was actually very socially acceptable. I don't remember how much weed/alcohol were involved in my memories. I ended up changing programs into a more flexible but ultimately toxic environment, fell into a depression, and dropped out. I moved back to my home city and go to an in-state school and I haven't felt excited like that since then. I've been struggling with boredom since I got here. I hadn't had any major depressive episodes until recently, but I haven't really felt that great either. I've slowly been declining since January, dipped significantly in february/march (my mood always dips around that time of year,) came back up, and then it hit HARD. I also don't really smoke weed anymore, and I very occasionally drink, maybe once every month to week, depending on how often I'm going out.

So now, coming out of a depression, and feeling way better and genuinely GOOD for the first time in a long time, it's making me nervous. At first, when the possibility of being bipolar came under closer scrutiny, I was like alright, we'll figure it out when we figure it out. But then my psychiatrist had me take some blood tests to check my thyroid and liver and such, and then added an additional once, in case "she had to add an atypical," which I know she means atypical antipsychotic. And that started to really freak me out, because she asked me "do you have an elevated mood," and I wanted to say yes, because that's what I'd say to a non-mental-health-professional, but as far as what she's asking, I just don't know.

I don't know the difference between hypomania and feeling good. Now, I'm scared of feeling happy and I'm scared of being productive. I'm scared of getting excited and afraid of being confident, afraid of talking too much and being social. What if my idea of happiness is pathological? What if I don't get to feel happy or good? What if I'm going to spend my life numbed out? What if it gets worse? When I spend so much time feeling down, I RELISH the times when I feel good. I WANT them to become normal, for me to feel functional, competent, good about myself, legitimately productive. If every moment of my life has to feel like "meh," or nothing at all, what's the point? Thinking about having bipolar makes me feel like everything good in my life is going to be taken away. Having a career, being able to take care of myself friends, family, just overall well-being. These are things I worry about anyway, but they are magnified by adding a new element. Fighting with depression is hard enough, but fighting against positive emotions adds another really complicated and upsetting layer. I have a hard enough time already believing I'm deserving of love, but if I'm bipolar and it progresses it would be like I just really shouldn't bother with anyone at all, ever, because I'm just going to hurt everybody. Additionally, I have a friend in my life I feel very strongly about who I really do not want to hurt, but she has spent her life surround by bipolar family members, with her dad committing suicide when she was a teenager along with her brother still having poorly-managed bipolar episodes. If it turns out I am having bipolar mood cycles then I would feel SO GUILTY because all I want to do is bring positivity in her life because she's just had way too many bad things happen and I feel like I would just have to go away because she doesn't deserve any more of this. She is a kind, wonderful, unique person I don't want to lose her, I don't want to hurt her, and I really don't want to disappear on her, but I'm afraid I will have to. It doesn't matter what kind of person I am if she has to keep dealing with people with mood problems. I got really upset about all of this last night, eventually fell asleep, and then woke up again this morning feeling upset. I just need someone to talk to about all this because I don't really have anywhere else to go at the moment. I'm seeing my therapist later this week but I want to talk PROMPTLY before this gets out of control. Thanks

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with depression since you were 9.

I was first diagnosed with depression as my hypomania (I have manic episodes now) went unreported by me to doctors. I tended to only see them when depressed so my bipolar diagnosis only happened much later on in life.

I'm not altogether suprised that you mention that your dad experienced depression as I think there certainly can be genetic links there.

I can identify with the symptoms of hypomania that you describe that your pdoc has picked up on too - energized, excited about life, productive, more talkative and social (Though I'm always pretty chatty), more confident, more creative. I have issues with impulse control, particularly with money ...

And I can fully understand this too:

I RELISH the times when I feel good.

There's no need to feel guilty if this is a bipolar mood swing.

It doesn't mean that everything in your life that is good will be taken away. Those factors will still remain.

With meds/therapy it will just help stop the drop from dropping too low and the high from swinging too high to the point where you're no longer in control of it.

Keep us updated and let us know how it goes!

[ilovegeocities]

Thank you for your response <3 I've actually started feeling pretty awful the past couple days, but it's hormone time and that almost always happens. It all freaks me out I just want to figure it out as early as I can because if I am bipolar I don't want it to get worse. I've never felt out of control or like I've distinctly become a different person, which is something that I've heard a good bit, but I don't know if that means anything. I'm struggling to feel optimistic. I'm just so scared and I don't know what to do.