"Bi"-Polar....Inside Out

And then there were two.....

I got up

I did my morning routine - coffee, a little sewing....
------trying to will myself into another day

I bathe and get ready for work....
-------despite feeling leaden and wanting to just sit

I drive to work.........
---------feeling a sense of impending doom, my insides feeling all jumpy, wanting to just d** and be done with it all

I walk into work.....and begin the day
----------wanting to just scream and scream and curl up in a ball, or run from the building and just keep going forever.......

I perform my duties.......
-----------all the while ruminating, and trying to keep from breaking down and crawling under my desk

I drive home.....
-----------so exhausted from the sheer effort, wondering if I will make it the rest of the evening

I fix food, I eat, I sit, until I can collapse in bed.....and try to sleep, and ruminate, and dread the next day.......

I understand. I have lived that life for years until recently when I retired. I wish I could say my days are better without all the pretending but I'm not so sure that it is.

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I knew someone would understand.....and I fear mine wouldn't really be any better either......it's just really hard, ya know...

Did I write this??!

(Ok, it wouldn't be EXACTLY the same, but it is so VERY close as to be scary.)
It is so, so hard. But know this - at least you are not alone. It can feel that way, though, can't it?

I stopped working because I couldn't do that anymore. After doing that for a while I would start to have outbursts or absolute meltdowns.

I remember crying till 3 in the morning because I had to go to work the next day.

I'm fortunate in that I'm married and have the option to stay home. It's really tough on a single income but my husband couldn't handle the roller coaster any more and it was becoming dangerous. In his opinion it wasn't worth it for the money I made.

I haven't been able to work in years. I tried a little part time thing recently that ended in disaster.

I get federal disability which isn't much but it helps.

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It took two years and some of xanex every day all day to get thru work , ... getting addicted , ... kicking it and now on buspar , ... I think I bought myself enough time to believe in my self again and now work is ok , ... oh yah I am living for the day I can retire but for now it's ok again , ... and somewhere some how the fear and paranoia when away during that time also , ... maybe the lamotrlgine ? I wish you well and peace for work , ....