[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am operating with my internal self and my social self that is slightly covering the worst symptoms of depression and very much covering the lesser ones unless I want to let people see and I don't.

Sunday I'm going to the hospital for my first ER admission. I've always been a direct admit before. I'm terrified.

I'm afraid that I won't show the hospital the right face. I have always been a direct admit before and haven't needed to really "prove anything". This time I have to somehow be honest when I'm not really good at that. I wish there was something that would help me with that. They'll see the flat affect. Everyone does. But I have to admit to the self-harm thoughts and the deep sadness and the not wanting to eat and the crying and all the rest. I scored severely depressed on a test with my therapist a couple days ago. But I have to show that to strangers.

I want to pretend this isn't happening. I didn't cancel my Monday therapy appointment yet because I don't want to close that door. But I'm sitting here with a partially packed bag and a list of to packs when my laundry is done.

I'm scared.

[Edgar's Mom]

Rainbow, whether it's hard or not, you need to find the courage to be honest with your health care team. They can't properly help you if they don't know the extent of your depression, and you'd be working against yourself to hide it.

The right face to show the hospital is "your face." The truth. There's no reason to lie, is there? All of the things you are afraid to admit to are common as dirt for people like us, and old hat to them. They've seen all that and much worse. It'll be all "ho hum" for them... just another day at work.

But not for you. For you, this is huge. It is your life and your recovery. Don't cheat yourself of help by hiding your feelings or worrying about what face to show them. I try to just always tell it like it is. It's liberating, and much easier than the exhausting work of maintaining pretence.

Remember that they are your feelings, and these are your experiences-- and they are valid and they are important. Get in touch with that and be confident telling your truth. It'll get easier with practise... I promise :-)

We are here for you ((((((((HUG)))))))))

Lisa

[Victoria'smom]

Just pack two pairs of clothes. Can you go to T and then to the er? Write a summary on an index card and hand it to them. I don't look the part but key words tend to "get me in". Instead of self harm, accidental suicide from self harm (because that can happen), depressed, you want a med change, psychosis (if that is an issue), use descriptions not clinical words. Describe any strange thoughts you have had sh or other. If you're not eating tell them, you may need iv fluid depending on severity.

It's a shot at feeling better. You deserve to feel better now and to be taken seriously.

[raspberrytorte]

Try not to be scared. It's going to be okay. All you have to do is say, "I'm suicidal" and they'll let you in. Hugs.

[CopperStar]

It might help to start with explaining that you've been trying to hide your symptoms for so long, that it's hard for you to express or talk about them, but that you're going to try your best because you're scared. I think that sometimes openly confronting the fear of being honest can kick in the floodgates. It's honest, it's real, it's simple, it's short, and then there's no going back, but you get to choose how to proceed. One time in therapy I was walled up and numb, and I started with, "It's so hard to say these things because then they become real," and suddenly started bawling. Just take that quick leap of faith and the rest will fall into place.

[Edgar's Mom]

That's an awesome suggestion Copper

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[BeyondtheRainbow]

That is a good idea Copper Star. I have done that in therapy before too. And honestly when I told my therapist I thought I was hiding this episode from him he told me that I was too sick to do that with him or my pdoc. So maybe I'm too sick to hide it from anyone. My 5 year old niece definitely knows something is really wrong and my mom is pretty aware and she isn't always good at that. So I may be succeeding less than I think and more am able to bumble around doing some things that I shouldn't be able to with this much depression.

It's just so scary and then to go and be told I'm not that bad would be horrible, you know? I tested the last # between moderate and severe depression on a test that I had to give one item a 0 on because it didn't apply and so I am severely depressed and will test that way again. I want to hurt myself if I only had energy. So I know I'm staying. But what if's are so hard sometimes. (My CBT trained brain yells "NOT ALLOWED TO SAY WHAT IF)