[OnASearch]

Hi - kinda nervous about this but here goes, after a year with my therapist she had me start with a psychiatrist today. To this point she had me as clinically depressed/moderate melancholia w/OCD & PTSD. Miracle worker, in 25yrs I've never dealt with my depression this well. As that went "away", hello to hypomania. 3-4+ weeks of it, plus mediating an amicable divorce in between. Hypomania is fading and now irritability and violent thoughts are rushing in. Psychiatrist didn't want to "pathologize me" just treat the symptoms ASAP, but said I'm experiencing a bipolar episode, does that mean I am bipolar? Thought that years ago anyway. I've been burning out lately from all this crap to the point where I actually wondered if any of this is even worth it anymore and that's when I knew I had to start dealing with this via meds. Starting Abilify at night and lithium 3x daily, which I read is bipolar treatment. Not scared or worried, happy to have a target on 25yrs of knowing something was way off and now able to address it properly.

[scatterbrained04]

Been a decent weekend. Got my stupid Christmas tree down yesterday with my son's help. Did a little bit of cleaning. Grabbed a pizza, then pulled the sofa bed out and we had movie night. It was fun. Doing some chores here and there today and going to the grocery store in a bit. I even excercised a little this morning!

[DelusionsDaily]

Struggling bad...horrible depression, lots of stressors I cannot control. Ugh! Seeing T tomorrow. Might call my NP and see what we should do. Ugh! Was just with NP last week and didnt think anything of it but it has spiraled quickly since. Ba-hum-bug!

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[emgreen]

While talking to a friend on the phone, I farted in the receiver. I laughed until tears streamed down my face. He asked, "What was that?" I told him it was just the wind.

[hopeless2015]

Emgreen, LMAO! Had some tummy issues this weekend but mentally feeling okay just taking things one day at a time

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[gina_re]

Have an appointment with a new T tomorrow morning. I hope it goes well and I actually like this one!

[chelseabryn]

Feeling apathetic. Neither here nor there - very strange. Possible beginning of a mixed episode? Yet to be determined. Pdoc appointment tomorrow, increasing depakote by another 250mg. Fingers crossed.

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[DelusionsDaily]

Ugh! T in 48 minutes. Dark dark thoughts to talk about. We'll see how it goes. Afraid she'll recommend partial. Scared!

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[Roaming_bird]

Hypo hypo hypo. Yesterday I was pretty normal and I though I was done with this episode, but here comes today and I just can't shut myself off.

[hopeless2015]

Couldn't get myself to get up and go to work today, now dh is upset with me, that really helps things out. I'm trying to get back on track its just taking awhile this time

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[DelusionsDaily]

Well, debating partial. Ugh! Just feeling absolutely gross. This depression is slowly killing me.

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[pearlys]

Mood is so so. Energy still low and the other symptoms (hypersensitive to noises, brainfog, chronic stress, anxiety) are still there. I have a skin rash since a couple of weeks. We gonna lower the lamictal from 400 to 300. And adding 1mg risperdal. I might lower the remeron even more since resperdal should sedate as well.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I might be in a hypo or mixed state, idk yet. I've been really hyper this past week, talking faster, more irritable, had a few outbursts, I actually had a plan for suicide last week obviously I didn't follow through. Been exercising kind of more than I usually do, I did 400 squats today, I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not, I really did do that many. Plus I've been taking up to 4 showers a day, something I only do when I go up. Idk my thoughts have been all over the place, between feeling euphoric, to feeling paranoid and like crap all at the same time. Luckily I don't have any money in the bank or else I'd be buying some stuff. Like I said idk, but that's how I've been feeling, feeling like I should stop my meds that I don't need them cause I feel really good, or they're poisoning me (I gone between both thoughts this week). I've been doubting I really have BP and thinking my Mom is right and I'm just an "attention seeker" and not really this sick. Idk, my mind is racing, and I'm having trouble keeping on track, I should stop writing now, yeah I'm done rambling.

[Shadesofdark]

Well, lets try this again (3 or 4 weeks later). Depression seems to be really lifting this time. Took a shower yesterday, washed some clothes, walked the dogs last night. Took a shower today, went to see pdoc (wearing clean clothes). I think it's real this time.

[Souris]

My depression is a bit out of control right now.
And my fiance said something small that sent me spiraling even more.
Mind is racing with thoughts of SH.
Normally I'm really good with keeping impulses under control, but I scratched up my arm.
I guess that's better than what I wanted to do, but I'm still coming apart at the seams right now.

[hopeless2015]

Got myself up and came to work, hope I can make it through the day PDoc upped anxiety meds hopefully that helps me out

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[BiPoloar2112]

Got up this morning and took the kids to school.
Waiting for the snow to stop so that I can go for a run.

[Icare dixit]

So far, still doing very much ok.

I feel like I can start where I left off 20 years ago.

May this last.

[Bijinkies]

Scared!!!!I need Help

[Roaming_bird]

Session with pdoc/therapist. Feeling great and productive. I'm trying to get some past paperword done. I feel so burdened by it but at the same time I avoid it.

Wow. Been a month since checking in. Went to that psych appt.. Meds got upped. That's been helping. Then just this past Friday had a regular physical. Turns out my vitamin D levels have gotten very low. That can contribute to depression, so hopefully between the meds and fixing that things will really get where they should be.

Caught a cold and I actually had to take off work today. (Worked at the booger factory instead (haha)). It's been quite awhile. Forgot what a drag colds are.

[hopeless2015]

Feeling better today than I have in awhile, hopefully recent med change has me stable

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[DelusionsDaily]

Ick! Bleh! Just down deep in depression. Guess I'll be talking to NP tomorrow. Ugh! I hate this.

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[gina_re]

I think my hypo is wearing off. Today I am so tired! I was nervous to drink caffeine to help me get through the day and that didn't even help. As long as I don't crash into another depression, I'm fine with it. I just want the stability and to be myself again.

[BlackSheep79]

I've been on and off irritable, lashing out at my loved ones. I'm so embarrassed and more importantly feel horrible for everyone around me. I apologize and cry. One episode of slight road rage. Spring is coming and here comes the hypomania that I've been fearing. Luckily I have therapy tomorrow and see my pdoc on Monday. I don't think I need med changes, just some coping skills.