Maybe not BP. Maybe just failure at life

I was thinking about this when I posted about school earlier. I had lots of fear about going back to school and then tie starting school in to other changes this month- I hate change- (son starting high school, I started a second part time job, got on a new oral acne med, new sleep med, and off xanax etc.) and I am a mess.

I really don't think I want to be in school. Or do I? I have no idea, but I am falling apart and I feel like a silly, stupid , attention-seeking idiot. This recent stressor has me falling apart. I feel cornered. I feel weak. I look down on behavior like this on others- I would say "man up" "get over it" and yet I am wallowing.

I never responded to your other thread......but I read it all....

The thing that I picked up on.....are your extremely high expectations for yourself (and according to this post - others).....and the "worry" about what everyone will think, including your kids....I know you want them to carry forth and be successful...but they don't need to be shielded from reality either...

I think if you don't KNOW what you want then that is a sign that you haven't found it.
I think if the stress of it all is driving you bonkers, then you should cut yourself some slack....and explain truthfully to your husband what you can and cannot handle....

Hugs....Hoping you find a solution and some peace

Thank you LettinGO. I am acting so passive aggressive, borderline-type, about all of this. Hoping that if I push the button of my behavior/emotions far enough a decision will be made for me. Apparently I never actually grew into adult hood.

Weigh the pros and cons

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I felt the same way when I started school last fall. I went into it depressed and knowing I couldn't do it. But it was paid for by my grandmother and I felt like I couldn't quit at all. Plus it was a requirement for my teaching certificate and to keep my job at the time (I no longer need a special Ed cert). It was awful. I just knew I couldn't handle it but I still did it because I felt trapped. And that made me feel like an attention seeking baby because I figured I was just making my symptoms worse to get out of it.

Culminated in a hospital stay and the beginning of ect, so I had to withdraw from classes AND go on disability. Best decision I could have made. I wish I hadn't pushed myself to the breaking point. It would have been a bit easier on my family I feel.

If you really don't want to go to school, you shouldn't. It could end up bad. But if you want to give it a shot, go for it. You can always withdraw if it becomes too much, or take less classes. School will always be there; your mental health is more important right now.

For the record I don't think you are attention seeking or making things up.

Thank you so much for your post. You don't know how much it meant. I don't even know if I want to be a sped teacher anymore. The paper work and high demands of the job scare me. I need to take 60 credits so that's a LOT of school and money. Tonight at midnight I have to decide or I won't get money back.