I just really need to vent on some things right now. Anyways, when I was 15 years old I was at a birthday party with my two nephews. One was 13, almost 14. The other one was 12 and having a birthday party. I was supposed to be essentially the "babysitter" in the situation. My nephews also invited over some other kids. Two of them were similar age to my younger nephew. The youngest one was only five years old. My younger nephew, my older nephew, and the kids started making really sick sexual jokes. The jokes were about really kinky, nasty things that I will not go into detail about on this forum. The five year old was in the circle of older kids talking about these things. He was right there part of this whole scene. I hate to admit it, but I joined in on the joking with my nephews. The previous day, my mother told me not to join in on those sorts of jokes around my younger nephews and that I had to be a role model. I didn't and was just as into making the jokes as any of them. I was in college early at the time, and I really was supposed to be the mature one. Then, after this, I felt badly about it and told my father. He passed what I had done along to my mother who became utterly furious. She started telling me that I made her sick. She said I was a monster and a menace to society. I called her Mom and she told me to not call her that. She also said that she didn't see any hope of me having a successful life. I said that maybe there was still hope and she said she wasn't going to try. She even went along with self depreciating things I said about being inferior. I felt terrible and when I said that I just knew I was no good, she just agreed that I must've had a sense about it. I said that maybe it would look better for them if I killed myself, since I was such a horrible person. She just said that it would look worse. They seemed to have no concern for my welfare at all, but my Dad came up to check on me since I had mentioned suicide. I was not really seriously considering doing it though. Truthfully, I thought that I apparently did not have a family any longer and that they had fully turned against me. I never in a million years would have even considered this possibility before, but that night it seemed very clear to me. I even grew to accept this.

Then, in the morning, my parents seemed to be somewhat upset but basically civil. They told me to go to church with them, and I went with my Dad. My mother stayed home. On the way to church, my father informed me that there were going to be no big changes around the house. They said that I was still going to stay in college, I assumed they would no longer support me with this. My mother was even going to keep helping me study for things, he said. He said that nothing was really going to change lifestyle wise. The day after that, they were completely over it. Everything was fine on their end after that. My mother would tell me that she loved me nearly every day. If I brought up the "horrible" thing that I had done, she assured me that it was just a mistake. I still never really forgot about that night though. I can genuinely say that never before did I see that side of them, and I never really saw it much ever since. After that, they were actually quite supportive of me. They always helped me with my studying and helped me a lot to keep track of stuff. They were involved in nearly every mental crisis that I dealt with, despite it being a wearing and daily battle. When things got really bad, they were always there on the phone to help me through things and keep me safe. When I moved in with them, they always stayed with me if I seemed to be going through any sort of crisis due to my self harm and numerous past threats of suicide. I have, at times, felt mistrusting of them and they very much assured me that no matter how bad things get that they will always be by my side. They have said very clearly that they would not turn their backs on me multiple times.

There was one other incident prior to their knowing about my mental health difficulties. It was somewhat minor in comparison, but it still seemed messed up. I went to a talk that featured a guy that self harmed. She basically told me to stay away from the guy. I tried saying that if someone in her family did that, she would not want to keep her distance. She basically said she still would, and insisted I was talking about myself. When asked, she even said that her keeping her distance could look like just shunning them. Apparently, she did not get that I was trying to hint to her about my own issues. I told her this the next day and she assured me that if I ever have problems like that, she would stick by me and be there as a parent. Of course, she told me to see a professional if I am harming myself. She insists that she did not know that night that I was talking about myself directly like that, and it seemed to change things a lot. When she did know about my SI, she truly reached out and tried to do everything she could to help me to refrain from the horrendous practice I was engaged in. When she knew that it was me with the problem, there was no judgment from her at all.

[Edgar's Mom]

I can see how the things they said were very hurtful and how confusing it would be contrasted against their very supportive behaviour.

I would be inclined to take all of the good that they did as a more true measure of their feelings than some words spoken in the heat of the moment.

It sounds like they really struggled with public perception while at the same time having a great deal of love for you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[raspberrytorte]

Parents are still people too, who can say things they regret later. To me it sounds like they are very supportive, and in being supportive they are showing they are sorry for the things they said in the heat of the moment. You're lucky to have supportive parents. I would try to forgive them for the things they have said that have hurt you. To me it seems like they regret it.

I understand how you feel though, or can relate. My parents have said some downright nasty things to me that I have trouble forgiving them for because unlike your parents, mine were never, and still aren't, supportive of me.

It's taken a long time to be able to say this, but I think that what my counselor and you guys are saying is true or at least mostly true. The thing is though after that stuff happened, I felt like I had no clue what could happen if I opened my mouth about anything remotely controversial or concerning. I really felt that I had to be very secretive and put on a mask. After a while, I just kind of said the heck with it and if they were going to turn on me they aren't worth my time anyways. I started opening up about stuff and I'll admit I was somewhat surprised that they were still there with open arms after all the big confessions I made.

[vjdragonfly]

You have very understanding parents it sounds like. We all fall short sometimes. Sharing is a good way to help let go. I hope you are able to find peace with those awful experiences.