Well...I -was- almost stable.

Well I am writing this between my sleeping and living in bed/on the couch moments, because I would love some input in this....I just don't know anymore.

Up until the last two weeks or so, I was between slightly depressed and hypo for a bit. Everything was okay, I could go out and do things, I could actually go and do things without being scared of what may happen. My concentration was still screwed, but I was at least working on that.

Now fast forward to now-ish. I heard really scary news about someone in my family that usually sends me into a dive (my past and family is a big trigger of mine) followed by starting school again. Somehow, the combination of the two is trapping me close to how I was when I just started treatment. I am even back to hearing things at night and seeing things in the shadows. My worries are back, I'm holding back tears, my energy is gone (slept 14 hour days most of this week), and I generally don't have the will to do much.

I don't know what to do...I see my Pdoc on Wednesday, but he pretty much is the med guy and my psychiatric nurse is on vacation. I wanted to start college again and do well, but when I go, I need my benzo or I just can't do it if I manage to get myself out of the house.

I'm scared that I just can't do it, and I can't function high enough to take it....hell, I can't even function enough to hold jobs. I feel like I am destined to be a home body because I just can't do anything anymore.

I've been in a similar head space on several occasions and to a lesser degree pretty much all of the time. I assume I can't do anything because I'm somehow broken or messed up in the head and that just sucks all motivation out of me and ramps up the anxiety and fear. My therapist is working with me on motivation. Doing things even though you don't feel like you can do them. This is kind of a lame slogan but Nike kind of has it right, Just Do It. If you can get started on a task, even as simple as clearing some dishes, or grocery shopping or picking up a prescription, or getting ready to leave for class, it suddenly becomes a lot less stressful and crippling than you initially imagined it would be. It's so natural to catastrophize and assume the worst, and worse yet, assume you're the worst, but those are just thought distortions. In reality, I know you're capable of doing school, even if you need to get accommodations through your school's disability services center (I've done that and it really takes some of the pressure off). It's not about high functioning, it's about functioning, period. If you can muddle through instead of freezing up and future-tripping, you'll be in a lot better shape in the long run. Easier said than done, but that's been my ongoing experience.

I am so sorry that you are back to struggling......no great words of wisdom to give.....just know that I am thinking of you....

Sorry for taking so long to get back into this thread, I am just....I don't know right now.

I have a meeting with the counselor person on Monday (may have said that in the first post? don't remember) but I am going to see what I can do there. Spoke to one of my friends who is sort of the only person who can relate to what's going on with me and is sort of close by, and she said that it may be good to consider taking a year off...I don't know, there's so many things that are worrying right now. What if I can't get back into it (now or over a year)? What if the arrangements don't work? What if I just can't do anything? I know I said this before, and I appreciate the support, but I am still worried about everything.

@Risu thank you, I managed to get myself to class most of this week (with benzos, but still) and I forced myself to stay in class through a coming panic attack. Not sure how I did that, but it was something special for me. My psychiatric nurse is trying to work that into me, over the "just do it" bit. She says that I need to do the opposite of how I feel....which is much easier said than done when your mind is not allowing it.

@LettinGo Thank you for the support, it's good to know that I have people rooting for me and thinking about me.