[cashart10]

I am frustrated with my husband. I love him so much and we have always had a good relationship but lately he has critisized me for so many things. I really thought that once I was able to care for the house again that we would go back to a mutually respectful relationship but that doesn't seem to be the case. The other day for instance, I asked him to buy me regular creamer because the sugar free, fat free kind just isn't very good. His response was, well, if you'd take care of yourself I wouldn't buy that stuff. I got upset with him and his response was he was just joking. Well, it wasn't very funny. I know I am not the size I used to be. I know I need to lose weight, but I am not fat, at least I don't think so. And, even if I am, those comments do nothing but make me feel badly about myself. Well, yesterday I told my mom "I think [hubby] is turning into his dad (who is truly a jerk)" she asked why and I told her some of the things he's been saying she told me to walk out of the room when he says things like that and ignore him. She said acknowledging him encourages him. But, she went on to agree with him. "You do have to understand how he feels," she said. "You have been eating so much sugar, you are going to get diabetes and you haven't been exercisizing. You need to start caring for yourself again." Well, first of all that does not give my husband the right to be a jack *** to me and second of all, while I understand what they are saying, I have only been feeling better for a few weeks. Can I have at least a little time to recover before attacking another MAJOR concern in my life? Will things ever be good enough? I feel stressed about this and I feel afraid to eat anything unhealthy because someone will be standing over my shoulder criticizing or at least judging me. It also makes me feel VERY insecure. I have gained weight over the last few years but I was healthy to start with. I'm not all that heavy (at least I didn't think so). Am I looking at this the wrong way?

[Homeira]

You are not looking at it the wrong way. Sounds to me like you are seeing clearly what is going on around you. Sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing right now, when it should have been a healing time for you. Please feel free to vent here on PC. If that helps you cope, then don`t hold back Don`t let your husbands words get you down. (However that is not easy, but try). For as much it may be true or not true about the issue of your weight, that you are being labeled as fat, chubby, whatever, it doesn`t give anyone the right to make comments that are hurtful. And if he is concerned about your health, there are nice, supportive ways to express that. Going into some sort of discussion with him over these things might be counterproductive right now. Maybe you should leave the room when he starts with hurtful remarks, or very clearly ignore him, if at all possible. these things are not easy, but I wish you the best of luck in dealing with it

[tentoedsloth]

I agree with the advice about just leaving. Maybe you can have a constructive conversation about it with him at some point and then he would understand, and you'd understand what he's thinking too--maybe.

Added: I love that song. Their singing is as pretty as birds.

[Somethingtotalkabou]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am frustrated with my husband. I love him so much and we have always had a good relationship but lately he has critisized me for so many things. I really thought that once I was able to care for the house again that we would go back to a mutually respectful relationship but that doesn't seem to be the case. The other day for instance, I asked him to buy me regular creamer because the sugar free, fat free kind just isn't very good. His response was, well, if you'd take care of yourself I wouldn't buy that stuff. I got upset with him and his response was he was just joking. Well, it wasn't very funny. I know I am not the size I used to be. I know I need to lose weight, but I am not fat, at least I don't think so. And, even if I am, those comments do nothing but make me feel badly about myself. Well, yesterday I told my mom "I think [hubby] is turning into his dad (who is truly a jerk)" she asked why and I told her some of the things he's been saying she told me to walk out of the room when he says things like that and ignore him. She said acknowledging him encourages him. But, she went on to agree with him. "You do have to understand how he feels," she said. "You have been eating so much sugar, you are going to get diabetes and you haven't been exercisizing. You need to start caring for yourself again." Well, first of all that does not give my husband the right to be a jack *** to me and second of all, while I understand what they are saying, I have only been feeling better for a few weeks. Can I have at least a little time to recover before attacking another MAJOR concern in my life? Will things ever be good enough? I feel stressed about this and I feel afraid to eat anything unhealthy because someone will be standing over my shoulder criticizing or at least judging me. It also makes me feel VERY insecure. I have gained weight over the last few years but I was healthy to start with. I'm not all that heavy (at least I didn't think so). Am I looking at this the wrong way?

I actually think you are looking at it correctly. I also think your husband threw in the joking part, because it shifts the blame and responsibility of him disrespecting you to you. See now you are at fault, because you misunderstood or can't take a joke. Your gut is telling you that something wasn't right, honor your gut. Almost always, it is correct. If this happens a lot I would also do some research on manipulators and how they work. He should just man up and apologize for hurting your feelings. Whether it is true or not, the fact that he hurt your feelings should matter. If he doesn't and this happens repeatedly, it will get worse especially if you don't challenge it. If you take it, because you are a laid back person they will disrespect you more. I don't agree with your mom excuses him because you have put on a few pounds. I have learned from experience. I am really laid back and there isn't a lot of things that get to me, but over time you see where people take advantage of that. That is not ok. So what if you did gain a couple pounds, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be treated right especially by your husband. We all make mistakes, but if the mistakes are frequent, you probably should really evaluate the situation. Also, ask yourself, would you make that comment to him and MEAN IT LIKE HE DID?

[raspberrytorte]

If people were poking at my weight and how I need to lose weight that would make me self conscious and upset too. I'm sorry your husband is being so mean. Is he carrying around a couple extra pounds? Start making nasty "jokes" about it to him.

Personally, I wouldn't walk away from a comment like that. I would tell him exactly what you said here. For example, say that you are finally getting on your feet and comments like that are hurtful and counterproductive. If he says it was just a joke, tell him it doesn't matter if he was joking or not, it's still hurtful and a ****ed up thing to do, so please don't make comments like that anymore. You have to set boundaries and stick up for yourself. If you don't, it's just going to continue and make you resentful.

[LettinG0]

Cash:

I agree with everyone else. It's just hurtful. And, given the steep battles you have been facing, there are most definitely better ways to encourage you and support you.

I am sending you virtual hugs and positive, encouraging vibes. I am very proud of you. For where you are and how hard you have been battling.

Hang in there......and I hope you can have a productive conversation with your husband...and your mother.......but, don't let them run over you either!

[HALLIEBETH87]

I am sorry youre dealing with this. Its unhelpful to be criticized when you are working to better yourself. I hope things get better!

[gina_re]

It always stings when your mom adds to the problem. I know I've gained a decent amount of weight from my cocktails over the years. My grandmother started calling me fat girl and constantly reminding me that I needed to lose weight. I talked to her about it and told her how hurtful it was to say those thigns to me. I knew I was bigger, but calling me names doesn't help the situation, it just makes me feel worse and I might end up doing some emotional eating. Her response was that she was concerned about my size and felt like I needed to know...or something to that effect. The name calling slowed down. Either way I'm sure many of us have to struggle with weight issues from these meds in addition to how loved ones react to he weight, on top of just being stable and happy. So if someone gets on you for it, tell that person how hurtful that is and how it just makes the situation worse. It really isn't funny.
I hope you are able to settle this issue. We got your back!