[Woolly Bugger]

Today I'm feeling like I have underachieved in a big way. The problem is that I am stable, but I am still underachieving. My wife does all the important things at home. I do very little. I am a co-teacher at school, and I do very little of the actual teaching. I stand on the sidelines waiting for an opportunity to do something constructive. Another teacher was just promoted to lead teacher, and I can't help but think, "I am more qualified than she is." And yet, there she is, in the nice office.

I do have some value, of course, but I have not lived up to my potential. I am at a critical point: with ten years of teaching to go before I retire, I must decide whether to stay where I am, underachieving but safe, or try to find something more challenging.

But here's the problem -- I probably won't take a chance, because I know I am bipolar and can't afford to put myself in a risky situation where I might fail. And failure is no longer an option. When I was young, I could bounce back. But now, at 57, there is very little bounce left in me.

It is probably something we all have thought about at one time or another. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I underachieve because I think that, because I am bipolar, I must be an underachiever to stay safe. I stop myself from taking risks because I can't afford to fail. To make things worse, I can't be creative and powerful and outstanding unless I can have that manic side of me back. But I can't, it's gone. Therefore I miss out on the opportunity to excel and to experience some of the joy of life.

[raspberrytorte]

I'm kind of the same way. Don't want to do anything risky (but this more relates to my anxiety problems). It's why I've been at the same job for the last ten years. I feel if I had to get a new job it would trigger depression and more anxiety, so it's better to stay "safe".

(((hugs)))

[notthisagain]

I feel like that, too. I'm not sure whether or not that is related to my BP, anxiety, or if it is just a huge lack of self-confidence that is coming from someplace else.

[gina_re]

I can see where you're coming from. But at the same time I take some risks. So it is a self fulfilling prophecy to a degree. If I played it safe, I wouldn't be where I am today. So I make myself put myself out there so that I have no choice to work hard to maintain it. But it's easier said than done. I did all this while stable, and once I became depressed I had to force myself to continue working to keep it all since I don't really have a safety net. Then again, as you mentioned, age might play a role in this since I am 32.
I really hope you find the courage and strength to achieve your goals. It's scary, but worth it in the end. Please take care and good luck!

[wiretwister]

I play it very safe ... too many years to blow it ... meds for stress work ok ... but I do not want more stress than I have .... safe not sorry for me ....