[MisterUnderstood]

Hey all- if you're triggered by suicidal thoughts, please don't read on. They're not the main topic, but they will be brought up, so if that will upset you or trigger you, this is fair warning and please feel free to return to the index. Thank you.

So as of lately, I've been experiencing a few... Rough patches. Namely my work and social lives. Which I guess is 99% of my world, so... I'm not officially diagnosed as bipolar, but the psychiatrist that I see strongly suspects it, but is reluctant to officially diagnose it. So as of now, we're essentially using bipolar-friendly meds to treat it (see my signature below.) I was unipolar depressed from age 10 to age 15, and then after I started Lexapro, I went manic and bipolar was first introduced as a suspect. Three years later, I'm 18 and on pretty low doses of a couple of meds, but they're hard to adjust. If I raise the Wellbutrin, then I get too anxious and jittery and jerky to drive without almost getting in a wreck. And the Lamictal so far has only worsened my anxiety, even though we raised it from 50 to 100 to help with the anxiety. But it doesn't seem to be doing a world of good right now. The Klonopin has been the most helpful in the three days I've had it, but I can't take it daily so. Anyway, I want to know if it's normal to still experience suicidal thoughts when you're on medications or is it a sign that either they're not high enough or not the right combination? The last few weeks have been rough, to say the least. I just started college and have changed my major three times, possibly going for a fourth, I can't find anyone who wants to talk to me for more than a day or two, and anyone I tell my problem to tells me to suck it up or that I just complain too much.. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that for the last week or two, I've been having recurring thoughts that I'm worthless. That I'm just a burden.. That I shouldn't have survived my last attempt. Sometimes I break into crying spells (right now, for instance...) and I'm just having a very hard time coping with it. Everyone tells me I'm overreacting, and I know I am but I can't help it. I've had fits of rage towards someone for the slightest little thing, and then I completely broke down and cried within 10 minutes. I've told a few people that I've been having trouble, but there's not much they can do for me aside from a few kind words. Not only that, but my one day a week job has been destroying me emotionally. My boss constantly nags me for not doing a good enough job, and threatened to fire me if I don't shave one more time because it's a violation of company policy. It's really hard to deal with this stress, and it's been showing in my behavior. I've cried three times this week, twice just while writing this. I'm quick to snap; I've verbally berated so many people that I'm surprised I haven't had a hit taken out on me yet. And I'm just coming unhinged. What does this mean? Does it mean that my meds aren't working enough to help me deal with life stress? Does it mean my life stress isn't going to be helped by meds (aside from my Klonopin)? Or does it mean these meds probably aren't the right combination? I was a lot worse off meds, but if it's the meds making me go insane, I'll get off of them. Thanks for reading this whole thing, guys.

Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? Meds can only do so much. It sounds like you have a bunch of life stressors.
Also, have you tried journalling? I find that to be extremely therapeutic.

[MisterUnderstood]

I have a therapist, and we've kinda talked about it. But mostly just scratching the surface. But I feel like I need something I can take daily to keep me under control. The Klonopin stopped me dead in my tracks today, but it's just not possible to take it every day. It really isn't. My therapist knows that my life is stressful, but I haven't really told her the full extent of how bad it's getting to me. Or that I still have occasional suicidal thoughts.

[GemmaTeller]

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, btwn adjusting to college and trying to stabilize your bipolar? symptoms. Different meds may take different amounts of time to work as intended. Sometimes they don't work well. Hopefully you are in regular contact with your pdoc to determine if adjustments are needed. S/he needs to know if you are having suicidal thoughts anyways. Also, if you are going to a 4-yr college/university, they may have psychologists or social workers/case managers you can meet with to talk about managing interactions you may be having with people, changing major 4 times, establishing support systems during school. Services are usually no or low cost. There are people who will listen.

[Victoria'smom]

Looks to me like a mixed episode triggered by starting college. Call your psychiatrist and try to get an emergency appointment. Take this post if needed.

[MisterUnderstood]

Could it really be a mixed episode? I thought those only occurred in Bipolar I, and so far, I haven't really gone fully manic yet. Plus my mood is still pretty rapidly cycling, so Bipolar II is the usual suspect. If it is Bipolar I, then I think we'd probably have to change the whole approach. I think Lamictal is better suited towards the depressive phase of Bipolar II.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You may need another mood stabilizer. Lamictal (which you are not on much of at all) tends to help with depression a lot more than the ups. It is very effective for what it does, it just is limited with hypo/mania. And Wellbutrin is stimulating for a lot of people so you might need something to help balance that.

You really need to call your pdoc and to try (I know it is hard) to be really honest with your therapist. Tell them that you are having moments you feel suicidal; they need to know that. It doesn't mean you are going to automatically be sent to the hospital; a lot of people worry about that but it has to go beyond just thoughts before they can make you go. And telling them lets them help you. Tell them everything you wrote here, even print it out and let them read it. The only way they can really help is if you tell them everything.

[MisterUnderstood]

I've definitely considered switching the Lamictal. It doesn't do much to really balance me out. But my psychiatrist (technically he's a nurse, but he prescribes so) is averse to antipsychotics for some reason. He told me it was because he knows about my TERRIBLE experience with Zyprexa (I gained 35 pounds in three weeks) so he doesn't want to risk weight gain, but from what I've seen, Geodon and Abilify are fairly neutral in regards to weight gain. Latuda is too, but it's not generic and my job doesn't pay me close to enough to be able to afford it. And I've tried a few of the anticonvulsants. Gabapentin was a lifesaver, but I had to go up to 3,200 and by then, I was so stupid that I would forget the word "dog" in the middle of a sentence. Trileptal was a useless sugar pill. And Lamictal seems pretty useless honestly, but it costs me about $1 a month so it was worth a shot. He wanted to try Lithium, but I'm so terrified of it that I refused. With so many side effects, I would prefer something else. We were considering Thorazine as needed, but now that I have Klonopin, that's kinda useless. I really do need something to balance the ups and the downs. But I don't like the Lamictal too much... I don't know if it would help to add an anti-manic agent or try and find something that helps with both at once. I see him this Wednesday, and he's really great honestly. He listens to my suggestions and he explains why it's not a good idea or tells me it could work unlike my other doctor who literally lied to my face, told me we'd try Zoloft, and then canceled the prescription behind my back.

[nowIgetit]

I am dx as bipolar 2, rapid cycling with mixed features and what you are describing sounds a lot like where I end up if go too long without getting my symptoms and stessors under control. I run pretty anxious in general, and if I let my stress/anxiety go on (or lack of sleep) too long without taking a break or upping meds in some way then I start to slide into depression and then get into episodes like you describe where I'm sad but pissed off at the same time - just all over the place.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this right now, and agree it could be really helpful for you to take what you've written here into your provider.

I've never heard that mixed only occurs with BP 1. My dx is 2 only because I've never had a manic episode, and I have been told by my pdoc that's really the only distinction between 1 and 2 - there's a ton of symptom overlap otherwise. It's all very arbitrary really, the important thing is finding a medication (or several) that can get you feeling better and stable, regardless of whether you are 1 or 2,or something else entirely.

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[WibblyWobbly]

Welbutrin put me into a mixed episode and I was suicidal. It sounds like you need some med adjustments to get your agitation under control. You should go see your pdoc as soon as you can.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

If you have a low income, and working only 1 day a week I assume you do, you can get meds for free from pharmaceutical companies. I get $40,000 of Seroquel XR annually this way, plus 3 other meds that I need and cannot possibly afford. I do have prescription insurance but always write a note explaining that the co-pay would mean I couldn't survive on my income and I've never had any trouble getting approved with quite a few companies. You just go to the drug's website and search "patient assistance program" and the information/application will pop right up.The applications are usually really simple and then it takes a week or 2 to process usually (your dr does have to fill out part but it takes less time than to do a prescription usually).

My dr does prefer a trial using samples before getting the med through pt assistance because of the cost to the company but with most drs that's not a problem.

[raspberrytorte]

The pdoc I'm seeing now told me lamictal is like the tylenol of mood stabilizers. Lol. Just felt like sharing that.

misterunderstood - I hope your med situation gets figured out and you start feeling better.

[raspberrytorte]

beyondtherainbow - Thanks for that info! My geodon is pushing sixty a month. Could use some help with that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Raspberry-
It won't help with Geodon because it is generic but Rx Outreach | Patient Assistance Program, Discount Prescription Drugs is a program that low income (with quite reasonable income limits for each family size) people can get and it is $65 for 3 months supply through them.