[cashart10]

Most of you know my story, so I won't go deeply into it. I have severe bipolar disorder but went for about 8 years with no meds believing I was symptom free (except for a postpartum depresson). While in hindsight I did have episodes during those 8 years, they were mild episodes and not once did I see an indication of bipolar disorder that would have led me back to a psychiatrist. During those years I sometimes believed I was healed by God from bipolar disorder, I othertimes believed I had simply been misdiagnosed and that my issues sprung from puberty and poor adjustment to change (or other things I conjered). Then I had a severe psychotic break. I was so delusional, that once I was better, there was absolutely no denying the truth. Either I did in fact have Bipolar Disorder or I was a chosen one. Since the latter is unfortunately unreasonable to a rational mind, I gave in, went back to a psychiatrist, and got back on meds. I've been on meds for the three years since. I was very, very unwell over the last three to three 1/2 years. I suffered through two pregnancies (one of which was a loss at 12 weeks); the hormones from which made my condition exceptionally worse. I cycled severely: delusional manias and LOOONG, crippling depressions. I thought I would never get better and then I just did. All of my postpartum hormones settled (my daughter turned 2 this past Sat) and things don't make sense to me once again. I've had months (I'm not even sure how many but I'm guessing four) without bipolar symptoms. It feels detached from me and, while I know that is a very good thing, it doesn't make any sense at all. Do other people with severe Bipolar 1 have such remissions? Do they become so well that they can function in a normal capacity? I don't have an easy life by any means, but I am living it functionally. I'm focused and aware, I'm involved with my family and not my own head. I don't even realize it. I probably sound boastful, maybe I am boastful. But, I just don't understand the illness in me. Will I get sick again? I would imagine more than likely, yes I will. In fact, I see myself losing my mind completely if I ever have to suffer a tragic grief (or even just the normal loss of my parents or spouse). I have heard stories of folks losing someone close, hallucinating that someone's prescence, then believing that person to still be alive. I imagine this will be me. I already fear it. I know I am not capable of surviving the loss of my parent's or husband without going insane again. Anyway, I took my sanity for granted once before. I almost laughed at the idea of my having suffered it previously (before my psychotic break). I felt cocky about it...I thought I "conquered" mental illness. I did it. I had the control. I thought I was better than it. I thought I could will myself out of the battle. I'm afraid I'm taking it for granted once again. How do I forget about it without forgetting I have it? Nothing major sparked my psychotic break. No event, no major stress, no thing can I point to that caused my bipolar to relapse. That said, it feels like my wellness is in tact. How do I live in awareness that I have a chronic illness that could take my sanity without living in gloom and in fear of it? Any bipolar vets have any ideas? Thanks!

Miss you guys!
All of my love!
~Sarah

[Mountainbard]

I've gone off my meds three times over the years (I was misdiagnosed with MDD--I'm actually BP II) and the SSRI's eventually induced hypomania. Each time the hypomanis got worse. I know that staying on our meds is tough for us bipolars to do. I made a vow to myself that this time I would stay on them-- and I have meds now which are appropriate for my disease-- because the results of the last hypomania were so severe.

I can't speak to your situation but I hope you are able to get things figured out. And I would hope you can find a way to be at peace with your having bipolar, because like it or not, you have it.

[cashart10]

Thank you! I am taking meds and intend to continue doing so. I just don't want to be blindsided...thinking I'm well but wake up one day and realized mind is gone. My husband knows what to look for in me and is on high alert usually but, as I am better and better, will he remain on that high alert? He can also be fairly naive.

[WibblyWobbly]

I have a good friend who was off symptom-free and off meds for 10 years. Then she had a full-blown manic episode, won't go into details since it's her story, but she's still trying to put the pieces back together. In retrospect I think she was depressed for the last couple of years.

All my treatment providers have told me it is possible to have long stretches with no symptoms.

Re your last question, all I can say is try to enjoy every day that you are healthy. I'm guessing the longer you feel normal, the easier it will be to not feel on alert all the time.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by WibblyWobbly

I have a good friend who was off symptom-free and off meds for 10 years. Then she had a full-blown manic episode, won't go into details since it's her story, but she's still trying to put the pieces back together. In retrospect I think she was depressed for the last couple of years.

All my treatment providers have told me it is possible to have long stretches with no symptoms.

Re your last question, all I can say is try to enjoy every day that you are healthy. I'm guessing the longer you feel normal, the easier it will be to not feel on alert all the time.

Thank you so much for sharing! That's exctly what happened to me. After 8 years I found myself reading the Bible sometimes six times a day, praying incessantly, not sleeping or eating (believing the Holy Spirit was waking me to pray--inducing me to fast), laying my hands on my family to pray for them, speaking in tongues, and eventually, casting demons, obeying the voice of God to do bizarre things, believing my prayers were answered just as I asked them, etc. Once I became psychotic, I also became paranoid and I thought there were demons constantly trying to possess me. My husband had never seen anything but stable me (that he knew of at least) and he was completely at a loss. He was exceedingly intimidated by my apparent powerhouse faith and didn't know what to do. It never even occured to him that I was delusional but he was very affraid. Then, once I settled into depression, I started to realize on my own that I was out of my mind. I came to him and told him that I believed I had lost my mind. He couldn't agree more so I went back to my psychiatrist. Now, I know what to look for when I am losing my mind and so does he. I am very afraid of reliving the above event though and I know it could very well be my reality again. Not even the horrifying postpartum depression/psychosis I experienced recently amounted to the terror of becoming aware that I had been entirely delusional and had no idea. I just don't want to lose the awareness ever again.

[wildflowerchild25]

This is me! I was in a constant mixed episode for a year and a half when I was 18-19. At 19 I had ect. I got better - probably to the point of hypomania - and I believed I was cured. Actually I thought I never had bipolar and was misdiagnosed from the get go. I went six years symptom free, though looking back I can see I still cycled, albeit mildly. Then in 2013 everything went to hell again. I had my first true manic episode and my first round of mike psychosis. Still I wasn't sure I had bp (some of you know, you saw me around here). It wasn't until 2014 when I had a major psychotic episode that I believed the dx. And it still took another lengthy round of ect to bring me out of it. And since the ect....I've been stable. Mild depressed episodes, maybe moderate. Maybe a hypomania here and there. But nothing like I had been experiencing. And it's been that way for ten months.

Now I thought losing my husband would mean losing my mind as well. But aside from my initial bad choice as a reaction to it, I've actually done rather well. I have days where all I can do is cry but all people experiencing such a devastating loss would have that. I had a depressed episode in August but once I raised my AD it stopped. No more trying mess and failing, flailing around on my own trying to stay afloat. And it's WEIRD.

I worry too that this is only temporary. Especially with my loss; I'm worried that I'm filing it all away and it will come back to bite me later. sometimes I even think I was making everything up and I was just a selfish drama queen.

But I still enjoy the stability. I think taking everything one day at a time is necessary. You can't enjoy the stable life if you are always looking over your shoulder. Just trying to enjoy the moment helps me get through. And I know my signs of impending episodes and I am not unwilling to discuss with my pdoc now.

I'm so glad you have found peace finally! Now just try to enjoy the moment. Yes you will likely get sick again. I likely will too. But it went well for years last time so who's to say it won't go well for even longer this time? For both of us?

And trust me, if you do encounter tragedy in your life...you may realize you're stronger than you ever thought possible.

Love ya!

[Mountainbard]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you! I am taking meds and intend to continue doing so. I just don't want to be blindsided...thinking I'm well but wake up one day and realized mind is gone. My husband knows what to look for in me and is on high alert usually but, as I am better and better, will he remain on that high alert? He can also be fairly naive.

If he knows what to look for I'm sure he will notice, naive or not. Our loved ones often recognize our shifts before we do.

[raspberrytorte]

Hey cash! Happy you're still doing well.

I'm finally doing better too.

I think we probably just have to enjoy feeling stable right now and try not to worry about future episodes.

I'm scared of potentially having more psychosis episodes, but now my husband and I know what to look out for, so hopefully it won't get as bad as it did before.

Big hugs!

[ozzy1313]

As of right now I can't even begin to imagine I will ever be cured or even "normal" for any length of time. I mostly suffer from chronic depression and rarely ever get above float on that. If nothing else I figure I just need to hang on till my kids are grown.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

This is me! I was in a constant mixed episode for a year and a half when I was 18-19. At 19 I had ect. I got better - probably to the point of hypomania - and I believed I was cured. Actually I thought I never had bipolar and was misdiagnosed from the get go. I went six years symptom free, though looking back I can see I still cycled, albeit mildly. Then in 2013 everything went to hell again. I had my first true manic episode and my first round of mike psychosis. Still I wasn't sure I had bp (some of you know, you saw me around here). It wasn't until 2014 when I had a major psychotic episode that I believed the dx. And it still took another lengthy round of ect to bring me out of it. And since the ect....I've been stable. Mild depressed episodes, maybe moderate. Maybe a hypomania here and there. But nothing like I had been experiencing. And it's been that way for ten months.

Now I thought losing my husband would mean losing my mind as well. But aside from my initial bad choice as a reaction to it, I've actually done rather well. I have days where all I can do is cry but all people experiencing such a devastating loss would have that. I had a depressed episode in August but once I raised my AD it stopped. No more trying mess and failing, flailing around on my own trying to stay afloat. And it's WEIRD.

I worry too that this is only temporary. Especially with my loss; I'm worried that I'm filing it all away and it will come back to bite me later. sometimes I even think I was making everything up and I was just a selfish drama queen.

But I still enjoy the stability. I think taking everything one day at a time is necessary. You can't enjoy the stable life if you are always looking over your shoulder. Just trying to enjoy the moment helps me get through. And I know my signs of impending episodes and I am not unwilling to discuss with my pdoc now.

I'm so glad you have found peace finally! Now just try to enjoy the moment. Yes you will likely get sick again. I likely will too. But it went well for years last time so who's to say it won't go well for even longer this time? For both of us?

And trust me, if you do encounter tragedy in your life...you may realize you're stronger than you ever thought possible.

Love ya!

It is so reasurring to hear that someone experiences bipolar similar to my own. I always follow your posts for that very reason. I'm so glad you have found stability even in the midst of tragedy. You are so strong!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Hey cash! Happy you're still doing well.

I'm finally doing better too.

I think we probably just have to enjoy feeling stable right now and try not to worry about future episodes.

I'm scared of potentially having more psychosis episodes, but now my husband and I know what to look out for, so hopefully it won't get as bad as it did before.

Big hugs!

I'm so glad you are doing well also. That is SUCH good news! I wish everyone could find such wellness. It is an incredible relief!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ozzy1313

As of right now I can't even begin to imagine I will ever be cured or even "normal" for any length of time. I mostly suffer from chronic depression and rarely ever get above float on that. If nothing else I figure I just need to hang on till my kids are grown.

It CAN get better and I hope it does. Hugs to you! I know how badly that hopelessness feels.

[Homeira]

Originally Posted by ozzy1313

As of right now I can't even begin to imagine I will ever be cured or even "normal" for any length of time. I mostly suffer from chronic depression and rarely ever get above float on that. If nothing else I figure I just need to hang on till my kids are grown.

That sounds very much like me But I have ok days now and then, and I have leared a lot of coping-skills from mindfullness and cognitive therapy.