[Curiosity77]

The last couple weeks have been so crazy, i just don't even know anything anymore. I just came out of 2 weeks of very crazy hypomania, and lots of chaos. Now my relationship is messed up, which I thought was because of my mood and behavior, but actually looks more like he's the one who is sick. He was with me through the hypomania, and now he's super depressed, so I'm wondering if he's also bipolar, but undiagnosed, and we are cycling together. He's severely depressed now, crying a lot, and saying he doesn't know if we can be together, because he doesn't know how he feels. Then the next minute he's sobbing and hugging me. It's so confusing. And i had to fly across the country for work this morning, and i'm here with coworkers for the next few days, and i'm so sad and anxious. Plus the time change isn't helping with my sleep schedule.

And I emailed my pdoc a couple days ago to tell her what's been happening. I haven't seen her since July, and wasn't booked til Nov but she is trying to get me in sooner. She wants me to restart saphris asap, and said there is a VERY (all caps in the email) high chance i'll get depressed if i don't. Problem with that is that she thinks i stopped saphris in june, but I've actually been off it since last summer - so i was fine for more than a year, feeling great really, but she thinks I stopped it and this happened right away. I hated saphris, and I won't take it again. Maybe something else, idk. I've still been on lamotrigine and Wellbutrin and a bit of seroquel the whole time.

Also, there was no clear trigger for this episode for me. Usually there is some big stressor, or i took drugs, but this time it was totally random. I was eating and sleeping well, doing yoga, no substances. So idk what brought it on.

Anyways, i'm so confused. Number one confusion is relationship, because he isn't making any sense right now, and I don't know what to do to help. He can't see a doctor because he is waiting for immigration, and isn't eligible right now. Then the confusion about meds for me. I won't take saphris, but not sure what i am willing to take. I really don't want anything sedating or emotionally numbing, or blunted, or cognitively impairing. I felt like being off it has been such good progress, I don't want to fall back. And right now i'm ok. I thinks i have to be honest with my pdoc about how long I've actually been off it. She'll be upset with me, but hopefully won't fire me as a patient - i wanted to tell her before, but couldn't for a bunch of complicated reasons.

Anyhow, I'm laying here in a hotel room, awake, alone, and it's late. So worried

[WibblyWobbly]

I don't think your pdoc will let you go. They're not surprised with untruths or lying. I think it would be different if you were noncompliant, messed up and refusing help. Hopefully together you can come up with a good solution for your meds. If she's smelling depression right around the corner it might be better to take something that is emotionally numbing or blunting than falling down the hole.

I'm sure it's really hard being away from your partner right now. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise if you were triggering him—he has a little time to get his head on straight. I hope you two can talk about what he just went through and figure it out.

I feel for you. I hope that things can work out for you. Maybe the cross country will be good. Take a big deep breath of fresh air (assuming you are in a clean area). Make a plan, and rest if at all possible.