[loofito]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2012 ,I had the worst experiences of my life due to this disorder , my manic episodes were severe at least the two first ones were, I lost touch of reality, I had delusions ,paranoia , I would break things ,yell ,take my clothes off , such an ugly time ,and since I had the access to the internet during that time ,as you can imagine I made a completely stupid out of myself , did things I would never do ,I was hospitalized once, the episodes passed and I felt awful and pain for what had been done , I managed somehow to live with that , continued my study and tried to live a normal life, it went well for some time and it happened again three months ago ,although, it was a mild manic episodes comparing to the other ones I had ,but it costed me ,my relationships with people I really loved and cared for, saw future with ,I acted like a someone who had lost his mind ,and now I feel really horrible and can not let go of the shame and guilt I am feeling , and the thing that kills me the most ,is that I live in society where they’re not tolerant and not understanding at all to this kind of disorders , I got such bad stigma by them ,it hurts as hell now ,I keep reliving the bitterness of my actions over and over again ,I feel pain ,anger and hatred at my self ,sadness , shame ,I feel like I am trapped with these emotions I have ,I need to let go of my past but I don’t know how ..

Can you please tell me how to overcome this ? how did you cope with yourself after the manic episodes ? and how did you deal with people who witnessed you during those tough times ?

thank you in advance .

[raspberrytorte]

I had a manic episode with psychosis at the end of january. It was the worst experience of my life. My husband called the police on me and I ended up inpatient on involuntary hold and was in the hospital for five days.

I was so embarassed and apalled with myself! I had delusions, and once I started coming down they seemed so ridiculous.

I told my husband I was sorry and thanked him for getting me help because obviously I wasn't getting myself help.

I'm over being embarassed about that episode now. It wasn't my fault. It just happened.

Think about it that way. It just happened and wasn't your fault (as far as being manic). I hope you're able to feel better about it. Hugs.

Well I should point out firstly that while I acted irrationally and at times delusionally, I never did anything embarrassing. As far as people around me were concerned I was living life to the fullest.

After the crash I thought my life was over. For 10mos I had lived the high life, spent lots of money, and took one huge risk after another (I climbed mountains, kayaked in the ocean, explored caves, back country camped, 4X4'd up remote mountainsides - all alone usually without telling people what I was doing.) To go from living at a 100mph to zero was the most horrible experience of my life.

I had to apologize to everyone - including some people I had hurt or walked over during the process. The worse part was my family brought me home. So now I was not only without the activities I had become accustomed to but I was away from those aquaintances which had become so close to me.

It's been three years and I still have a lot of anger about losing my 'life' persay. I haven't replaced either the friendships or activities with new. If it wasn't for my BF I would have nothing - exept my family.

[CopperStar]

I just sort of embrace my mental illness unabashedly, to the extent that it's a part of me, and I've had some wild and interesting and crazy times with it. It just is what it is.

Mental illness has existed throughout humanity's history, and I guarantee you that mania has been behind some of the more amazing and impressive parts of that history.

It's just that in modern times, in modern industrialized societies, not only is there an official name for it, but it's also much harder to survive with it. Life is a lot more complex and with a lot more demands than in past times, where you just had to focus on shelter, heat and food, or when you could roam freely and pick up odd jobs. You didn't need a good credit score, I.D., tax forms, references out the ***, or have to consider the rent bill, gas bill, water bill, phone bill, internet bill, health insurance, etc. Even work tends to be different, itself. You don't just need to show up, able-bodied and perform labor. You need to be dressed right, good hygiene, have your references, experience, education, carefully balanced social skills, a reliable vehicle, etc.

And I can assure as well that all of this change is not just harder on people with bipolar disorder, but harder on many people. It's not that bipolar disorder is new, or that it has somehow become scary, horrible or whatever since times past. It's just that the modern world in general has become more complicated, demanding, pigeon-holed and suffocating.

And I think as a result, some people see mental illness in others as some grave and awkward thing. No longer is Clarence just someone who occasionally has a ton of energy and gets really adventurous and needs their space; now Clarence is someone who can't function and thrive in life, a scene of awkward doom, a person who doesn't fit into a small and complex mold. Clarence has gone from wild and adventurous, albeit sometimes exhausting, to a leper.

But the reality is that Clarence has always been the same, regardless of how others would have viewed our hypothetical character in any time period. Clarence really is a person who gets bursts of energy, motivation, visions and adventure-lust and so on, but like many others, Clarence is just struggling to adapt to the modernized world.