[Curiosity77]

Sorry for multiple posts, i feel really self absorbed. I just feel like i need to send something out into the world, so it won't hurt as much as if i keep it all inside me. I guess that makes sense.

So hypomania from last week has left my relationship destroyed. He said it's not that, but doesn't know what else it could be. He just doesn't love me anymore... He thinks. He says he doesn't know, just feels blank. Maybe wants to stay together, but probably not. And he said it's nothing i did, basically it's not you, it's me kind of crap. I'm sad and confused, and angry, and i feel so stupid and naive. Wtf is wrong with me!! I just want to love someone and be loved, and it's always so complicated, and always like i'm second best. He was the one that said i love you first, wanted to move in. He was the one who suggested marriage last week, which i ran with way too quick in my hypomanic state, but his idea. So i'm trying to stay angry with him and not turn it around and blame myself, because I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm just feeling really unlovable at the moment. Just really really sad.

And i have so many things on my plate, I really can't just fall apart, and I don't want to.
But i just don't know. I mean i think i'm a good person, i treat people well, so i just don't know. And even though i'm angry, i still love him, and I don't want him to go.

He'll need to find a new place, and I don't know how long it will take. We might try a counseling session, idk.

Plus the ring that he's having made is already ordered. It was supposed to be a wedding ring, and then the plan was just to get and wear the rings, no wedding, which was good. He still wants to give it to me, and I don't really want it if we are splitting up. He's saying it's a present, and i should just wear it on a different finger. I told him I don't want to talk about it. I'm supposed to have this little patch of hypoallergenic gold taped to my finger as a patch test til Wed, but i took it off, because no point. He's upset about that.

Fml

It sounds really tough right now.

[Victoria'smom]

I think therapy is the best option. He needs inv. Therapy too. I really think he got swept up in the hypomania and that scared him. It's worth trying to save even if you eventually separate you'll know you did everything you could and it wasn't the hypomania.

[Curiosity77]

He said he is feeling pretty sure it's over. Basically he just got bored of me. He said I was perfect, and not to let if affect my self-esteem, because he said he knows I'm insecure. It's not like I have a choice about what hurts my self-esteem. It's pretty hard to feel good about myself when i'm told that the person who has been saying he loves me is now bored and indifferent. And he really wants me to take the ring, and keep it, as a present. What am I supposed to do with a gold and sapphire ring? That's not the kind of thing i can just wear casually. And I don't want to melt it down. So it can just sit in the box with my former wedding band and engagement ring, as reminders of people saying they love me and then leaving me behind. I feel so pathetic right now. It's early here, and i'm lying in bed crying and typing this on my phone. He's still asleep beside me. I keep hoping he is going to roll over and hug me, and say it's ok. But he won't. And even if he did, I couldn't believe it at this point. I was really genuinely happy for a few months, it was so great. I felt so secure. At least I got a taste of that I guess, but that feeling is gone now. I just wish i was still asleep. Lying here listening to the rain falling, with him asleep beside me is excruciating, but no energy to get up and do anything.

[Curiosity77]

He's out looking for a new place right now. Wow, that was quick.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I would take what he says seriously and move on. The sooner the better to start the grieving/ healing process. Focus on yourself for awhile. The right one will come along. And as your taking time for yourself, make sure you put time into therapy. It really can do wonders.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[WibblyWobbly]

Someone who proposes one week and doesn't know how he feels the next has issues that are not about you. He needs some therapy to figure himself out. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Edgar's Mom]

He sounds l like he has his own pathology if you ask me. Like one of those guys who idealizes women. It's not normal to be in love and wanting to get married one minute and be bored of you the next. That is f ucked. That is not normal, and I would RUN from that relationship... dangerous to be mind-f ucked like that even for a healthy person, but potentially deadly for someone like us.

You are heart-broken so it will be very difficult to see this as positive, but I honestly believe that you are dodging a bullet here.

As for your hypomania... If he's not man enough to be able to stand in such bright light and hold his own, then you deserve better.

Your ideal mate will be strong and sure of himself and not threatened by hypomania. He will be patient and able to practice tolerance. He will love you for who you are and he will love you while you are hypomanic as well as while you are depressed. Your ideal mate will love you and will respect and appreciate your bipolar, not hold it against you.

You deserve much, much better and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Heartbreak is one of the worst types of grief. I hope you are gathering your supports around you and I hope you feel better soon.

((((((((HUG)))))))))))

Lisa

Oh, sweetie!! ((((((( curiousity ))))))
That's a hellluva rollercoaster you've been through.
I agree with WibblyWobbly and Edgar's Mom. That random hot/cold is just totally messed up. That crap's on HIM.
Sending strength to you. His jerky behavior IN NO WAY reflects upon you. Please remember that should the self esteem boogeyman try to steer your thoughts into any false assessments on yourself, ok?
You are a good person.

[Mountainbard]

with the above

[Curiosity77]

Thanks everyone,
He found a place yesterday, so will be moving out, but not until the end of the month so we will have to be here together for a couple weeks, and it's a pretty small apartment. I am still really sad, crying a little, but I have to leave for work now. I have to give a presentation in front of a big auditorium in a couple of hours. Luckily it's a group presentation, and my part is small. But still. Anyways, I've started to feel really angry and used, and this next weeks are going to suck. I'm going out of town for a couple days next week, so that will be good, and at least I don't have to find care for the cats. But this whole thing seriously sucks. I'm going to meet up with my sister tonight to go for food, because I've barely eaten anything in 2 days. Thanks for support.