I realize being bipolar has had a huge impact on my life. Beyond all the fabulously great things I would likely have never done, there are those things the illness left me too: like broken relationships, inability to maintain employment, hurt feelings, massive debt, and more.

Confused. Right now i am very confused

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am so afraid right now. Afraid of my limited treatment options, afraid of what my pdoc will decide next week, afraid of how I'm going to handle something happening Wednesday that is likely to be one of the more difficult things I have to deal with in life.

Angry. Mostly at myself because I can't make myself feel better and it seems like I should be able to do SOMETHING. And because life isn't fair and I know that is a pointless thing to care about because there isn't anything to do about it but right now it's what I feel and my therapist said I can feel that for a while so I am.

And oh so very, very tired. I talked to my therapist today about the strong negative feelings about myself that I've been having and apparently this was the first time I managed to really express what I've tried to say less directly for the last few weeks. Just thinking of dealing with this is overwhelming and I have to do it---unless the thing I'm afraid is happening Wednesday happens and then it will be back to survival mode.

And this isn't really me. When I'm not having a 10 month long episode and trying to accept that the meds are not helping much and that scarier treatments are becoming more certain I'm none of those things (except maybe tired. I don't remember). When I'm well I'm funny and interested in things and am not angry or resentful about my life. I would be so happy to get back to where I was a year ago.

[Woolly Bugger]

I believe, but I am not certain, that I am an underachiever because of my bipolar disorder.

[cashart10]

Uncertain, lacking in faith, often hopeless, and sometimes even insane.

[Christopher1990]

tired

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[hopeless2015]

Exhausted, broke, hanging to my job by a tiny little tread. Going for bankruptcy consultation Thursday and hoping my marriage survives the next few months while I figure out if this med combo can keep me stable. I have to give up handling finances/money all together...

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[Nammu]

It has left me broken

It has left me scrambling

Scared. There have been so many ups and downs. My life is a sequence of disasters.
I never want to be psychotic again. This last episode really just took the life out of me.

[Christopher1990]

Originally Posted by jupiter3

Scared. There have been so many ups and downs. My life is a sequence of disasters.
I never want to be psychotic again. This last episode really just took the life out of me.

mean either. I fear of becoming manic again and it comes up in my dreams. it seems like one failure after another.. im still going to remain hopeful, but it has damaged my life greatly

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So afraid, so very afraid. Afraid of living, afraid of dieing, afraid of the morning, afraid of the day, afraid of the night. In huge debt. It has landed me before more than one Judge. It has left me in shambles.

[liquid_Entropy]

Originally Posted by Christopher1990

mean either. I fear of becoming manic again and it comes up in my dreams. it seems like one failure after another.. im still going to remain hopeful, but it has damaged my life greatly

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Do you also get crazy vivid dreams when going up?

I think this is a sign for me. I wake up like 50 times and I DREAM. Or nightmare

[liquid_Entropy]

To the OP, it was left me with very little.

Had a great job that I was passionate about. Was sober. Large group of friends. Apartment. Retirement. Benefits.

Now.... Unemployed. Living with my parents. Less then sober. Not a part of my large group of friends.

In fact the only positives is I am in school and have a girlfriend. And school is because I need to do something.

So nothing. Living off my parents. Only my girlfriend. If she left, I'd probably spin out of control.

**** my life.

[cmorales]

Let's put it this way... I'm 30 and still live with my (thankfully understanding) parents.

It's not like I'm a total loser, I'm the family's go-to guy for help (e.g. to help my grandparents - on a daily basis, to babysit my sister's kids, help cook dinner, etc.) but I feel so unaccomplished. It wrecked my formative years. Even now on meds, I have such little motivation (but I see pdoc on Friday and I'm gonna ask for a med tweak in hopes of bringing back my "zest for life", as my therapist calls it).

I'm working on it, but it's not easy, as I'm sure you guys know.

[raspberrytorte]

Right now I feel very anxious, like sick and light headed and dizzy with the cloud of dread and I feel this way ALL OF THE TIME. I'm freaked and pissed because I feel stuck on an AP because when I just try halving my dose I start seeing **** again and getting paranoid. I feel my anxiety and paranoia has had a more negative impact on my life.

[ColeM1100]

Originally Posted by Woolly Bugger

I believe, but I am not certain, that I am an underachiever because of my bipolar disorder.

Hi, I've felt the same way but I thought it was due to my personality?

[ColeM1100]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Uncertain, lacking in faith, often hopeless, and sometimes even insane.

Yes, I feel the same. The hopelessness this year has been quite bad for me

[LettinG0]

Broken.....just broken.......and fragile, now

[mr.Paraplegarino]

my mother was accused of being bipolar but it was just a thyroid explosion.

[ColeM1100]

Longing for so much, way too anxious these days, unhappy, and so confused I cannot make any decisions. I hate this

Originally Posted by liquid_Entropy

To the OP, it was left me with very little.

Had a great job that I was passionate about. Was sober. Large group of friends. Apartment. Retirement. Benefits.

Now.... Unemployed. Living with my parents. Less then sober. Not a part of my large group of friends.

In fact the only positives is I am in school and have a girlfriend. And school is because I need to do something.

So nothing. Living off my parents. Only my girlfriend. If she left, I'd probably spin out of control.

**** my life.

I hear you here, definitely. Once had the job, had the money, had the friends, had the active lifestyle. Now alone, no money, eking it out, social assistance, flat on my *****

Well I've made some decisions and, as per usual, I second guess myself and ruminate upon the negative

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by rcat

Well I've made some decisions and, as per usual, I second guess myself and ruminate upon the negative

I do this too.

[Azvixxen]

Doubtful. Confused. Angry. Sad. Hopeless. But you know what? On days that the fog clears I REFUSE to be any of those things. I refuse to let this disease BECOME me instead of just being a part of me. I will survive this...I hope.