[Jensitive22]

I was a teacher for 12 years. I began this career in my 40's. I never felt truly comfortable or confident in the profession and experienced a lot of anxiety on a daily basis. I have very low self-esteem and have always felt like I never measured up in anything I have done- marriage, motherhood, my Christian faith, and my career. I am aware that there is a real disconnect between how I feel and perceive myself and what the truth probably is, but I cannot get past this construct of thought in my head.

I am 53 years old and I feel like a failure. The pain of it overwhelming some days. I have 3 wonderful children and 3 grandchildren. I've had little interaction with them for the last couple of years because of depression, anxiety and guilt. When I divorced their father in 2008, it really disrupted the structure and closeness of the family. Though my 2 older ones were out on their own and my youngest was heading to college, the family dynamics really changed. Then, when I attempted suicide in 2009 and was diagnosed with BPII, our relationships changed. They were hurt, sad, and unsure of how to relate to me. When I remarried in 2010, they were happy for me and tried to build a relationship with my new husband, but still there was emotional distance as they lived their own lives. They have no relationship with their father. They had a difficult time with him growing up. He has a seizure disorder and we were all involved in his care. He was also verbally, emotionally, physically abusive.

I had know idea the extent of that abuse until my middle daughter disclosed four years ago that her father had sexually abused her for many years. I was stunned, devastated and felt so guilty for not knowing, for not protecting her. I failed her and now better understand the root of her anger, failed relationships, and emotional issues. She refuses to confront him or to seek help. Her oldest son also has emotional and behavioral issues. It is a all a huge source of guilt and anxiety for me. She had him at 18, and we helped her raise him his first 3 years. She became angry with me and took him out of our lives for 3 years. The loss was almost unbearable. She eventually married and had two more children. I have not been able to form a close relationship with them out of fear and just this need to protect my heart. I feel guilty that I have not tried harder to be the kind of grandma that I would like to be and that they deserve. She divorced their father, has a difficult co-parenting relationship with him and there always seems to be drama. It's toxic and I have a hard time being around it. I avoid it and talk to her by text or on Facebook.

My son, who is my oldest, has a very tender heart and grew up watching his dad throw emotional temper tantrums and act like a tough guy. My son suffered a lot of anxiety and depression growing up, was bullied by some of his peers and as he got older and bigger (6'2") he compensated by bulking up and covering his body with tattoos. Fortunately, he spent time in the military which gave him some direction and a better sense of self-identity. He's kind of a flake about some things but he is finding his way. He is in a good relationship now after a 10 year relationship/marriage fell apart. He has no children. He is afraid that he will not be a good father. He doesn't want to be like his father. Breaks my heart.

My youngest lives in Alaska. She married young and impulsively and followed her coastguard husband to his duty station on Kodiak Island, AK. Their marriage fell apart within 3 years. She is smart, responsible has a college education, but has no idea what to do with her life now. She drinks a lot. I worry for her and feel so much guilt. She was still at home when her dad was at his worst and our marriage ended. She was there for her dad's suicide attempt and my suicide attempt 2 years later. She is far away and I think she feels she needs that distance from all of us.

So back to the start of this lengthy post. I taught for 12 years. My teaching job began to come to an end in Feb. 2014 when I could no longer handle the stress and anxiety. I had to take a leave of absence, but I really didn't get the help that I probably needed during that time. I was not doing a good job of communicating how bad I was really feeling to my psych, I began cutting to alleviate the pain and anxiety. I probably should have been hospitalized when I still had insurance. I returned at the start of the next school year and quit when I was told that my coteaching assignment was changing. I fought it at first, but when I was told that essentially the department I had worked with no longer wanted to work with me, I was hurt and humiliated, so I quit. They didn't try to talk me out of it. They had my replacement ready to start the next day. I felt like a sack of garbage left by the curb. When I tried to talk with the head of HR, I was told they were not interested in using me anywhere else in the district, not even as a substitute. They encouraged me to seek employment in another district. My attempts to get letters of reference from my principal, department head and teachers that I worked with were ignored. Every night for months and months in my dreams I wold still show up for work. I would hide from administration and pretend I still worked there. It has felt like a death and like I am having to go through the different stages of grief.

So now, a year and a half later, I am still unemployed, have zero confidence in my ability to ever work again, rarely leave my home and am totally isolated. I hardly eat, but I've gained weight from my inactivity. Physically, emotionally and mentally I feel like a ship wreck buried under the sand of many storms. . My life feels like it is almost damaged beyond repair. It is overwhelming to me the amount of effort it is going to take to try try to dig out and build my life again. I can't even begin to imagine why my husband of five years has hung in there with me. We've not even had sex in over two years! God bless him.

I have taken the first steps and am getting some help through our county health services. I start taking Latuda on Tuesday. I hope it helps.

Thank you for hanging in there through this long post.

[Wander]

Wow. That is a lot to go through. So much loss and trauma. Are you able to see a therapist. It might help you process all this and maybe get well enough to work again. I lost my career due to mental illness and it devastated me. Only now, 7 years later am I beginning to rebuild my life. It is really tough but you can do it. I am glad you have the support of your husband. Keep posting here if it helps. We are here for you.

Isn't it good just to write out your story? Thanks for sharing!

[Cat_Lover_58]

I don't know what to say, but you're in my thoughts. Hugs!

[Mr.Arch-Vile]

I hope the best for you, you can over come this.


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[Jensitive22]

Thanks, you guys. It was a long post and it felt good to get it out. As I am getting help through the county (free) visits with social worker don't allow a lot of time to just talk. I have had opps to speak with therapists in the past when I had insurance. I learned I need to avoid black and white thinking, to practice mindfulness, to establish emotional boundaries, to try not to identify with the ugly thoughts and emotions, but rather, challenge them...etc., etc. all good strategies for maintaining or trying to head off depressive episodes. Hard though on days when when I am just trying to breathe. Thank you, again for your compassion and encouragement.

[Cocosurviving]

Seeking out help is the right thing. Be sure they have you see a psychiatrist for meds....they know best abt them. I agree therapy would help u if ur open to it. Also there may be support groups in ur area Google NAMI and DBSA see if they have locations in ur city.

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[Unrigged64072835]

Thank you for being here. You've had a rough life, but I don't think you're a failure. We can only do the best we can with the tools we have been given. You'll hopefully be getting more help soon and that will be a blessing as well. My therapist says you can't run on an empty tank--it's time to take care of you before taking care of others again.