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#1
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Yesterday I made my first post about being bipolar and then last night had one of worst I ave ever had. So now I will share my story.
I am 43 years old, married for 23 years, and have 4 kids. For 37 years I was the typical alpha male construction guy. Worked hard, learned everything I could from everyone I could learn it from. Very career driven, didn't drink, didn't beat my wife and kids, I did what had to done when everyone else said it couldn't be done. My wife and I married very young, she was 18 and I 21. Being that young of course means we were going to make every mistake possible. Fighting, infidelity, separation briefly.....all of them. All in the first five years, during the last 17 we have been solid....or so I believed. A little of five years years ago now I had to undergo emergency spinal surgery, which would leave me disabled and in chronic pain. That's apparently when I jumped down this rabbit hole. We lost everything. Our business, our house, our cars, every dime we had ever stashed away in a matter of months. We had to borrow money to move across the country to live with my dad while we fought for disability. I knew somewhere in my head that I was depressed over this dramatic change but thought I was dealing with and not letting it effect everyone around me. Yeah yeah.....I know better now. Oh god do I know better. I won my disability case and we soon moved to Idaho. I had always wanted to live in the mountains and she wanted to start a horse rescue. It helped that our oldest daughter wanted to go to college up there. Long story short, she took in a batch of inbred horses with health problems and it overwhelmed our little rescue operation. We soon found ourselves under investigation for animal neglect(cleared of BTW) and my wife and daughter were being threatened and harassed at work and school. I was soon driving tem to to and from while heavily armed. I was doing armed patrols around our property because of death threats. So after two weeks, she pulled the plug on everything and moved us back to Missouri. We have been back here for just over two years now. A little over a month ago she tells me she has fallen out of love with me and that I checked out on her after back surgery and she has felt unloved, unwanted, and lonely ever since. At this point I have now lost the last piece of the puzzle that is my life. The second night after she left for the first time ever seriously considered suicide. I have been an angry guy my whole life, not really on the surface, but not very deep either. Ive always had a flashpan temper, but I had never directed towards her. I never thought about why I was always angry, just accepted that was the way males in my family have always been. Well, after she left my well of anger vanished and was replaced by all the emotions that anger had been masking. Loss, shame, disgust, despair, suspicion, paranoia, self loathing... And the list goes on. So at this point, I had talked my wife into coming home and working on our marriage but she would not go see a couples therapist with me. I decided that I needed to seek therapy to get a handle on my depression that I thought I handled decently(not even close). We made it three weeks before the worst day of my life. I kept talking and talking trying to make her understand that I understood why she had left and I would do whatever it took to fix this for weeks and I just couldn't shake the feeling she was rejecting me unfairly and the only reason she had come home was so she could get me to move out. All the right buttons somehow got pushed and for the first time in my life I lost my temper and became violent with a woman, worse....with my wife. I didn't hit her, I grabbed the front of her shirt and stopped her from walking away, which in turn made her go even faster. Eventually she locked me out of the house, only to have me go through the window, then she locked herself in our bedroom and stood behind the door which I promptly drove through shoulder first hitting her. I just could not stop myself, I don't even remember parts of this. Well it bought me a well deserved night in jail, a restraining order for both her and my youngest daughter, and her moving out of the house a couple days later. Since then she has reached out and we are talking now. She came over and played cards one night and I have seen her a few times. She came with me to my therapy appt when he gave me my bipolar diagnosis. Yesterday I took er grocery shopping and paid for everything because she doesn't have much money left, and then she had to leave. She texted me and told me she was getting ing furniture and that sent me on the worst night of depression I have ever been through. Sent talked me through most of it, but when I asked her to come over and be my shoulder to cry on she said no, she is still scared of me and doesn't know what I will do next. Her feelings are well earned, I just wish I had any idea of how I can change them. |
![]() avlady, raspberrytorte
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#2
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What I need is some suggestions on how I can stop obsessing over the damage I've caused and to stop myself from talking myself into the grave with her. Does anyone know of a mental exercise or something else that can possibly help with this? I'm trying to meditate but still having a hard time shutting out that part of my thought process.
Surprisingly, this woman that has no reason to have anything to do with me, understands what is happening to me, saw it coming in fact, is still there for me, still giving me a chance. I've put this poor woman through hell, and just don't want to screw this up. Anyone advice would be much appreciated. |
#3
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Have you tried guided meditations on you tube? I started with a brief one by The Honest Guys and it tought me over time how to calm myself and mind into a meditative state. Deep breathing exercises help. And grounding. Mindfulness.
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Im not crazy, my reality is just different than yours. ![]() |
![]() avlady
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#4
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i do think counseling is a great idea, if she will go. prepare yourself although as she may have been so scared of you right now and won't want to see you anymore.good luck
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