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#1
Nov 25, 2015, 11:08 PM
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I started to hit myself in the head today..but i stopped myself. I am amazed and terrified at how quickly the tide can turn.
I was really tired today. Already off to a bad start... My sons bus driver approaches me and tells me he needs a note letting him know that Gabe will be riding with someone else (he went to his friend's after school yesterday). Felt as if he was calling me a dumbass of a mother.... Im super tired and can hardly keep my eyes open so i decide to give in and sleep a little while my 1 yr old is in bed and my 3 yr old is playing a game. My boyfriend texted me and asked if i was sleeping bc my responses were short, so i told him yes in fact i was sleeping and he acted as if i was putting the kids in danger and said that he would never go to sleep if one of the kids were awake. So now im a piece of **** mom again! I explained that i wasnt being irresponsible, i just feel like i know my son well enough to trust him. We have gates but he can open them if he really tries and thats why my bf was concerned. But he usually asks if one of us can open them if he has to go potty or whatever. So then i am trying to get my script refilled and cant do that bc i again, im retarded and cant keep my **** straight. So im crying and feel worthless and i hate myself for messing up bc i thought i was doing a good job at keeping things in order..just to find out that..uh..hey you dumb-f**k..you STILL cant do anything right can you? You got help but what good does that do if u cant even f**king remember your appts? So im crying and i start hitting m yself in the head but i stopped after a few times bc it was scary being there again. This is the price. Everything good comes with its equal half that is bad. Its a good thing to feel so deeply and passionately, seeing beauty where others dont, feeling love in things that others dont, and then only to feel like a worthless piece of **** when others dont, wanting to hurt myself at times others dont. Dust yourself off and keep on going right. Well dirt doesnt dust off of me, it sinks into my skin and stays there and builds up with a quickness.
__________________
all I've undergone I will keep on underneath it all we feel so small the heavens fall but still we crawl all I've undergone I will keep on -NIN |
 Anonymous327501, CopperStar, raspberrytorte
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#2
Nov 25, 2015, 11:19 PM
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We have the same rule in my town about the bus
I doubt he was judging you but he has to let you know the rules Your boyfriend probably just worried because your kids are really young..don't take it as a personal attack This is less bipolar and more a self esteem issue of worthiness and feeling good about yourself Do you see a t? Hope you are ok
__________________
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing Now the old king is dead! Long live the king! One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand |
 Cocosurviving
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#3
Nov 25, 2015, 11:56 PM
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Well yeah i have self worth issues, i just dont wanna get to the point of punching myself in the head bc of it. I see a counsler/therapist but i missed my appt today.
Its about not remembering and not keeping things straight, which is what i have a history of. And i was doing so well and all it took was a few negatives throughout the day to get me to a breaking point. Wish i wasnt so weak
__________________
all I've undergone I will keep on underneath it all we feel so small the heavens fall but still we crawl all I've undergone I will keep on -NIN |
| jacky8807
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#4
Nov 26, 2015, 12:07 AM
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I have similar days, usually a combination of forgetting appointment-type stuff like calls I should have made + screwing up at work and feeling embarrassed, angry and scared of getting fired. Sometimes it's just like it's everything at once. Remind yourself that bad days will end and become fragments of the past. A hot meal and a good sleep to reset things.
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#5
Nov 26, 2015, 01:50 AM
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Quote:
Oh...I totally get that. Feeling guilty for not remembering much and like the whole world has got it together but me But they truly don't I got to know some mothers who I thought had it totally together and never missed a beat....found out they too had many many short comings But they were better at hiding it One thing I realized about many people with mental health issues. ..we keep it real We are authentic
__________________
I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning, I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing Now the old king is dead! Long live the king! One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand |
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#6
Nov 26, 2015, 03:32 PM
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Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I felt that way with my child a lot while she was growing up. Single parenting and mental illness is a real rough score. She turned out fine and I'm proud of her. I did some things that probably weren't the best decisions but I did the best I could with what I had.
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