About To Be Cornered, Again. Need To Vent

I really feel like I am about to get stuck, run into a dead-end corner with trying to balance my mental health problems with holding down my job. It's becoming increasingly obvious that it's coming, which is giving me increasing dread about it.

My medication made me so lethargic and brain-fogged, shot my short term memory and focus right to hell. I could barely do basic math in my head, at one point couldn't remember how old I was, etc. So I quit my medication in a desperate effort to be able to keep my job (which requires non-stop standing/walking labor, quick responsiveness to customers and strong attention to detail for 8+ hours straight starting at 5 in the morning).

Now I haven't wanted to talk about it too much on here, but it was going pretty darn well for a bit there. I didn't want to talk about it too much for fear of coming across like some "everyone stop your meds!" a-hole or like I was rubbing it anyone's face that I was doing good without meds (since I know tons of people can't function without meds and hate their meds with a passion). But now that it's going south I feel less weird about mentioning it.

So anyway it was going alright minus the occasional small issue here and there. But then this past week or so I have been getting increasingly just exhausted and depressed. I have never felt this exhausted in my entire life, just a deep, over-bearing, over-whelming exhaustion where when I'm awake I feel like all I can do is sit on the couch and half-cry. It is so hard to even get up most of the time. Every morning when I have to get up for work, I am honestly not even sure I can do it until I've desperately willed myself through the motions. Then the whole way to work I just have this feeling like I can't do it, I'm gonna completely break down. Several times throughout each shift I just feel like walking out of the store, just walking and keeping walking, down the street until I am home and away from everything so I can lie down on the couch and close my eyes.

It's like the physiological equivalent of old memories of high school gym class, where we had to run 10 laps, and on like lap 5 I felt like at any moment my whole body might give out, but out of sheer fear of humiliation I would just keep forcing my legs and lungs onward. Except now everyday feels like that, all day, on a physiological level. Like I am so ****ing exhausted I could cry and crumple into the floor, but out of sheer terror of losing my job I will myself onward.

I had today off and my most of my family is out of town for Thanksgiving, I couldn't go because they will be gone all week and I have to work tomorrow and the following few days. I just stayed on the floor under a blanket until almost noon. My brother who is still in town texted me asking if I wanted to go out and I just couldn't do it. So he came over to visit for a little bit and I was in dirty sweats, unshowered for 2+ days (can't even remember) and could just barely hold conversation with him. When he left I laid on the couch for a few more hours just feeling uncomfortable, sore and tired. I am still exhausted and know I will be in some hours when my alarm goes off for work.

I feel like I cannot do it anymore. Like I cannot do anything anymore. I am so tired and physically depressed. Like I am going to just snap at work and start walking, and never stop. And lose my job. Or lose my job because I am so tired and distracted on the job that I make dumb mistakes. I couldn't have held down this job on that medication, and now I won't be able to hold it down without medication, either. I wish I could just get hypomania, be productive and have energy and do a good job. The hypo fairy almost never visits me though.

Okay just needed to vent that out.

Maybe you need to take a couple of mental health days. Maybe that would help? I've done that before when I was feeling really bad (called in for a mental health day) and it seemed to help. I hope you start feeling better. Hugs.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.
You have tried so hard.
Call in for a day or so. Just to rest & regroup.
It may buy you enough time to get past this.
Just a thought.
You have to take care of you.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

I forget, when exactly did you stop your meds? Because the prozac part takes several weeks to come out of your bloodstream and you may be at that point which is increasing the depressive symptoms and making you feel worse. Just a guess and I'm not sure what will help that besides the meds and I know because I have taken meds and worked how hard that is (and I wasn't getting up at 3 and walking to work). So I'm not sure if I have anything helpful other than I'm sorry to hear this and if you are 2-3 weeks from stopping there's probably a chance your body is working things out and theoretically could get a little better when it is used to the lowered dose of fluoxetine.

If you've stopped them awhile ago, maybe you're depressed? Or are you still taking them? Sorry if I misread. Yea I would take a few days off. See if your doc will give you a note? Maybe you want to rethink this job in general? I laughed when you said you just wanted to walk out because last March, I had a breakdown at work and did exactly that. No it's not funny but I get it. However I'm still out of work because now I'm too scared I'll have another breakdown.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Can you negotiate hours? Personally, I wouldn't take sick days 'cos I know I can't recover like that. In my last job crisis, I may have waited too long to call my boss to tell him that the job was taking too much of me. It was after some time of winter depression, I stuck it out, I knew and I had been proving that I could do the job just fine, but things change, I just told myself that the position there was toxic for me, about half an year later, I still work for the same boss.

Unshowred for days, who hasn't done that? You're afraid to make a mistake, which everyone knows that we do. A little over due hair cut at a new place improved my mood last week. Was a little unexpected surprise to have gotten me out of the funk, it may be just the time for you to face your depression under the different light, it has nothing to do with your ability to perform on your job.

You could talk to someone even if you don't feel like it and see how you do. You spend long hours there, if you can't be who you like to be at work, I guess you could try to see if it is really you that you need to work on. The strong ties between you and your current job may not be what you think it is. It might give you a little room to breathe.

That debilitating feeling that you won't make it, especially when you get yourself out of bed, for me it's not real. A challenge that could come down on me anytime in this cold winter months.

I would keep the daily routine, that's paramount in my life. I hope I gave you enough to think about. Lastly, on/off medication, personal choice, don't give a crap about it. A little encouragement, anyone could use that, I wish you well.

Thanks everyone. I did my shift today. Previously other people were allowed to get into my cash drawer throughout the shift, and I kept coming up short on the balance at the end of shift, so I wrote corporate using a helpline telling them I needed there to be a rule that nobody else is allowed to touch my cash drawer. The store manager must have heard from corporate about it, because she then posted a new rule saying nobody is allowed to be on anyone else's register. Then I'm doing shifts with the store manager, nobody touches my register, and my balance is fine. Then today the assistant manager is there instead of the store manager, and despite the new rule when I had to step away from my register, she would get on my register and get in my cash drawer instead of using her own register. Well big surprise I came up $80 short at the end of my shift today. I am so ready to quit this job it's unreal.

Hi, sorry that I replied without reading your last post about your job. That ain't right. I'm so sorry that you have to go through that, I hope you can restore your life very soon.

Sorry it's been so rough, CopperStar.

One thing at least -- you are in a strong position regarding the cash drawers. You were wise to bring it to corporate's attention. And, most fortunately, before the $80 incident(!) Both corporate and the manager are aware and agree with you that it's a problem, hence the new rule. Which the assistant blew off. It's 100% on her, AND reinforces with both corporate and manager why it is a problem, and how significant a problem it can be. Frustrating, yes. But Right with a capital R is on your side.

Like BeyondtheRainbow, I wonder if the med adjustment effects thing is at play. Seems like it could be. You say you couldn't do the job on them. And, as you are feeling now, without them. But those aren't the only 2 options. Have you had a chance to check in with your provider to see if something else might work better?

I know what you mean about the going alright but for blips after reducing (or eliminating) a med, only to realize after awhile that maybe it's not actually going so well. (Kind of there right now, actually.) No worries. So many of us have been there, which means we've had the "sunshine" days/weeks that precede it. You can talk about those too. And because you're sensitive to *how* that might come off badly, it wouldn't. Because knowing it, you wouldn't write it that way.

One other thought. Maybe revisit the part time issue. After all, that is how they presented the job when they hired you...