[Secretum]

People who have had bipolar for decades-does it ever get better?

I have dealt with this since I was 12, and it has just gotten worse. There are periods when it is not so bad, but these periods do not last long.

The onset of this illness took away my social skills. I lost all my friends. I've since made new ones, but people still think I'm weird, or are reluctant to be my friends.

My senior year of high school brought on a deep depression that stole my work ethic and never gave it back. I struggle so hard just to put effort into anything. It is so hard for me to do a better job with things when it requires effort. It's a painful, uphill battle for me to do quality work. Every achievement I've had since then has been the result of something I am naturally good at.

My sophomore year of college brought a depression that had me thinking about sui seriously for the first time.

My junior year of college brought significant worsening of manic symptoms and agitation/rage, along with more intense sui urges.

My senior year of college led to super fast cycling, frequent crashes into severe wishes to die (I am lucky if I can go two months now without seriously considering sui), and a new sense of hopelessness.

Last year gave me obsessive anxiety and cognitive issues that overtook my life for the entire school year. I couldn't study or focus in class. My master's GPA was only a 3.25. In the entire five years of its existence, only three other people have gotten under a 3.5.

I've tried everything. I've found meds that work...for a few months. I've seen several therapists and made a little progress with some, but some have damaged me further. I've been hospitalized once, and all that did is make future providers less interested in working with me. Before I went to the hospital, I called my former beloved pdoc in desperation. "I'm not going to baby you," he said. I needed support, and he didn't believe I needed it. When I got out of the hospital, he was unusually short and curt with me, as if he was disappointed. So I'm never going back to the hospital again because it made things so much worse.

At this point, I live in fear of what will happen next. Will I lose my ability to write? To work? Will I end up on disability? Will I live in constant emotional pain? Will I ever bring a project to completion? Is it possible for me to fulfill my dream of going to med school?

I just feel so hopeless. There is so much evil in this world, and it is really getting to me. I wish I didn't have this illness, but at the same time, I love it. I love how I feel when I'm manic. I love the vision and creative drive and grandiosity I get. But I can never apply any of that energy to anything. I just overcommit myself, and the hypo/mania never lasts. But I still like it. And I almost don't want to try to get this under better control (I'm on low doses of my mood stabilizers because I fear side effects) because I don't want to give up the mania.

Which makes me feel guilty. It's almost like I'm choosing this misery, choosing this sickness.

So, my question is, does it get better with age? Will wisdom help me figure these moods out? Is there a medication out there that can curb my symptoms, for a long time, while still allowing me to be functional?

[LettinG0]

I don't know how to answer your question because I survived decades with this illness BEFORE I was officially diagnosed. I think the course of the illness is very different for everyone. It is very much an individual illness.

I know there are many who have led successful lives due to many different factors. I also know there are many who struggle every day.

I hope you continue to pursue the combination of meds and treatment that help you make your life successful as you define it.

[venusss]

I think once you find your place, it gets somewhat easier... or at least easier to deal with, because you sorta know where are you going.

That does not mean there is a miracle that would make you normal.

[cashart10]

My experience is similar to yours in that it both began severely and was diagnosed early. I have had VERY different experiences with pdocs and hospitalizations though and I'm sorry that you experienced such cruelty from someone who was supposed to help you. I had many years of stability but since a psychotic break I have been even more unstable than I was as a teen (which says much about the course and severity of my illness). I keep waiting for that long remission and I wish I had hope that it will reoccur. I cannot speak to your particular illness but I can tell you that there are many who have either "figured it out" or drastically improved with medications. At 32, that hasn't happened for me. I hope it does for you.

[scatterbrained04]

I don't have any answers. It started when I was 14 pretty severely. Then it got better. The last 4 years have been crappy for me (I'm now 30). I feel a lot of the same uncertainty and have many of the same questions. Curious what others have to say.

[Unrigged64072835]

I wish I had a good answer for you. While I'm getting better since my breakdown in 2012 I'm not recovered enough. I turned 50 this year and wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until 2014, so I've been dealing with this for awhile without proper meds and therapy. I also have other MIs so it gets real crazy at times. Still I have hope and it keeps me going through the dark times.