[wiretwister]

I always felt I was missdxed because I thought where was the hypo and or mania. Well these memories keep opening up for me. I find myself rattling off to anyone I can find to tell. My middle and late teens were a time of begging my dr’s for help, what I did not know, just help with the feelings and anger that consumed me. They flooded me with valium but I never took any. I was looking for someone to talk too but back then all they knew was pills , pills, and more pills,. Sound familar, but these were gp’s. . No psych’s till I was in collage. I remember my first visit... where I removed my handgun, unloaded it and laid it on the floor thinking this will put him at ease and show that I TRUST HIM.. Well for some reason he did not feel that way and ask me to never come back. There was the summer I drove around with a sawed off shotgun and a 357 colt pistol in the front seat hoping and praying I would hear a cry for help so I could become the avenging angel of the lord.. I could go on and on. ... the bible collage where I KNEW I would save the world but would die by 33 like the christ. ... I used to think these were just the trials all young men went thru, but as I share with others I begin to wonder ... I can find no one that had the emotion the intensity I had, ... I am beginning to wonder was this hypo, was this mania. ... I really don’t know but I now have great doubt in who I though I was ... Yes Virginia maybe just maybe I am really that nuts .... Tigger.

ps: at least I am sleeping better ...

[Victoria'smom]

It does sound delutional but I don't know about manic.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Look up dysphoric mania and see if that relates to you at all. I have it and was always angry and would lash out growing up. However if you had my upbringing you'd probably be a bit pissed too. So was it my mental health or my environment? I'd say my environment played into my illness. Did you suffer any trauma growing up? I have PTSD too.

More importantly, how are you doing now? Are you seeking treatment for your anger issues at least? I would advise against bringing a gun to the tdoc though lol.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 150mgs
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 600mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

You were quite psychotic back then.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

Did you suffer any trauma growing up?

does having your mother blown out of bed by dynamite when she was seven months pregnent with me ...

does having to use a gun to stop a sexual attack at 12 ...

does being shot at ....

does being emotionally neglected by your family ....

does believing you are the reason your grandparents died ...

just saying......

More importantly, how are you doing now? Are you seeking treatment for your anger issues at least?

Once I resolved the "religious" issues in my life most of the anger left ... it is tricky ... to the world I am the calmist and most at peace person you will ever meet ... but it is there just under the surface ... that is why I work (and medicate) to keep my stress level down ... my depression is most likely my anger at myself coming to the surface ... it is very likely this has been the root of all my anger issues through out my entire life ... I was the victim of "bad" religion ... that is why I get so upset when I hear others going down those destructive paths .... but it is always a lesson one must learn for themselves ... if they survive ...

the memories are still flooding in ... today triggered by 70-80's music, ... tunes of my youth .... felt 17 again .. and not in a good way ...

those days of doubts and fears feel new and alive again ... it is not that I am remembering ... I am reliving it ... and it knaws at the pit of my stomach ... Tigger ...

[Unrigged64072835]

Have you tried looking for a therapist that specializes in trauma? They can help you process those memories and triggers so they aren't, well, triggering. I have a friend of mine who is doing EMDR (can't remember the acronym right now) and it helps her with her memories of abuse. (Something I need to do for myself since I also have complex PTSD.)

My teens weren't that great either. I got into religion pretty heavy to escape an abusive father and alcoholic mother. I think of things I did then and shudder at times. I think I can work more on giving compassion to myself at that time because that was all I knew--I didn't know anything else like mental illness (though I knew something was wrong with me).