Surfing the instability

A needed rant for me.....please kindly play along if you will.

Like many of you here, I suffer from the tide of instability. I teach for a living and that brings all sorts of unpredictability and self-imposed pressure. I also coach and that brings its own set of unique challenges. My HS basketball team isn't all that good and I kicked over a chair tonight after yet another loss. I looked like an idiot and continue to give people the notion that I'm off the wall even though I really do know what I'm doing. For those of you that might know me here, I have a history of destroying things like walls and other non stationary objects in my home. I want to help *myself* make the changes.

I try to balance all sorts of stuff but winning has to factor into it. It just does - there's no redemption in going 5-15. When I combine it with the proven notion that most of my players (HS) are in outer space by default, they usually just go out on the court and go bonkers, rarely following the plan and just doing whatever they feel like doing. I have been coaching for 25 years and I'm sort of used to it but help me understand.........

I was thinking the other day.....BP is such a tough thing. It really is. For example, something like alcoholism might catch up to us more often when we pass by a liquor store, when we're alone, or we're at a party. But BP can catch up with us anywhere, anytime, in spite of all our preparation. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing.

Do I recalibrate? I *try* to remember but the moment gobbles me up. Or do I just not put so much effort into it? I'm a competitive person and that facet of my personality doesn't help the BP. It accentuates the mania. I don't want to "mail it in" and take a casual "who gives a bleep" attitude but I almost feel like I need to. I almost feel like I need to carry some sort of reminder on me every single day.

I feel for you. Teaching is stressful enough without adding coaching in. I had to give up teaching years ago because of the stress. I miss it sometimes but I know it's not something I could do again. And I agree-- BP is a helluva difficult thing. I've been fighting it for 45 years, and I wasn't even properly diagnosed with it until last year-- which made the preceding 44 years even more difficult, of course. Thankfully I'm now on a med regimen that has kept me stable for 4 months-- the first 4 stable months I've had since I don't know when. I really don't have any answers for you-- your competitive nature is not going to change. But you've been coaching for 25 years-- that's a long and honorable career. Maybe it's time to give it a rest, and find some other way(s) to satisfy your competitiveness. All I can say really is that I hope you have some success in working this out and becoming more stable. You're certainy in an especially tough position for someone with bipolar.

MB, thanks for your reply.

I was the same way....my p-doc thinks I was undiagnosed for 30 years. I agree - I might give it a rest and just hang it up. It is something I look forward to every year but it has become more and more of a grind. The kids of "yesteryear" were much more committed and competitive and that's probably part of the problem. The parents don't help, especially the ones that say "don't listen to coach, just play the way you want to play". Keep in mind I've sent ZERO kids to the pros, ZERO to D1, ZERO to D2, and only a few to D3 schools. A lot of parents I deal with are off the wall, as you can imagine. I want them to think of sports as a way to grow, compete, and learn that hard work pays off. Athletics is a microcosm of life.

Hey Row.....just saw this post.....

My sweet, competitive, hard-charging friend....I can only imagine how much the stress of being a HS coach adds to the BP....and vice-versa. I'm surprised there is only occasional destruction

I know you are working very hard to get a handle on your BP and to learn and grow. And, I'm certain you are a great coach.

I hope the pieces fall into to place, so to speak, and you find a way to have that peace and stillness you are searching for.

No great words of wisdom.....just know I am rootin' for ya!