[DesigningWoman]

I have been dealing with depression for a very long time, more than two decades. So mania is completely new to me. The thing that terrifies me is that i really have no idea it is going on. I have never had a temper. In fact, I have been accused of being a doormat most of my life.
Now, I begin to rage when mania comes on. I know i would never physically harm someone else. But i get very loud. From bystanders accounts apparently I get out of control angry. Inside though I feel mostly frustrated that i am not being listened to. I don't perceive it like the rest of the world does.
I just... I want to take the right meds and go back to normal. I was fine being an in control doormat. But I am never going to go back to normal, right?

Does anyone have any help or ideas? please.

I don't like being manic either. I hate feeling so full of rage and out of control. I started taking lithium on 11/24 and I've been amazed at how much better I feel. I just started lexapro for my depression and anxiety. I also journal and see a therapist weekly.

Are you on meds and seeing a pdoc?

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Have you been Bipolar all along? Is this a new diagnosis?

[DesigningWoman]

I have a fairly good pdoc. My town has a severe pdoc shortage so fairly good is a big blessing. Where I used to go I had to wait six months or more between pdoc appts. This one is much, much better. She was thinking bipolar 2 before I was hospitalized, but I had been resistant. I didn't believe it, so unconsciously I did everything I could to make her doubt it too.

Now, I am on lithium, lamictal, a prn for anxiety. Also I am being weaned off effoxer.

My therapist (i see weekly) recommended journaling and outside peer support online which is how I ended up here. I do both.

I have a terrible problem admitting pain, weakness, or I need help. I am applying food stamps today. I am ashamed my financial situation has gotten so bad. I should be handling this better. If I hadn't spent so much when manic, I wouldn't be in this position. I was taught to never ask for financial help from the government. This is very difficult for me. I obsess about my bills constantly.

Originally Posted by marylandmomma

I don't like being manic either. I hate feeling so full of rage and out of control. I started taking lithium on 11/24 and I've been amazed at how much better I feel. I just started lexapro for my depression and anxiety. I also journal and see a therapist weekly.


Are you on meds and seeing a pdoc?

[DesigningWoman]

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

Have you been Bipolar all along? Is this a new diagnosis?

I have always been diagnosed as clinical depression for the last 18 years. I have been asked questions before from pdocs related to bipolar. They always ask me if I do crazy, impulsive things. I never have.
I am a control freak. I didn't have an alcoholic beverage until last year (age35). I have never been drunk or done anything illegal. I think the control freak part of me made it much harder to diagnosis the bipolar.
My current pdoc was suspicious I had bipolar 2, but I kept trying to convince her otherwise. I didn't want to believe it. Honestly, I have had increasingly worse cycling for at least two years, maybe longer. I only started seeing my therapist in February. She totally sees through me and calls me on any games. I see her at least once a week. She is the one who saw me fully manic and recommended the hospitalization. So while fully accepting the diagnosis is new, the behaviors (cycling) I have come to realize are at least a couple of years in the making.

[jbuttz]

I feel that way. I was/am only diagnosed with depression. Hmmm

[pearlys]

I can relate a lot to you designingwoman. The rage and irritability sucks. Im obsessd with bills too but had a spending spree while manic. I guess its part of the package, careless when manic, overly preoccupied when depressed. Hope youll find something that works for you.

Tc