[BipolaRNurse]

First of all, I've lost my wonderful pdoc since I moved to another county and Medicaid requires one to get all their care through that county. I now have a therapist I see frequently, and a psych NP (who I don't get in to see till early March) for medication management. So far my T has been great, we've had three sessions and I've been able to get a lot off my chest that I never really got the chance to chew over with my pdoc thanks to the fact that I was always in some crisis or another.

But the worst thing is my husband is now in the process of dying. He has pancreatic cancer with metastases to his liver and bones, his oral chemo has stopped working and his oncologist wants him to take a course of IV chemo that is one of the hardest there is. Now, if it could cure him of his cancer, we both would be in favor of it, but it won't; he's in stage IV and the tumors are growing rapidly. I've spoken to an oncology nurse friend of mine and she told me what he would be in for...and if the chemo doesn't kill him, he would more than likely wish for death.

So he's made the decision to stop treatment and go on hospice, which I am only too willing to support. He's been ill for much of the past several months; he throws up at least once or twice a day, almost every day, and his strength is almost gone. He did well during our Caribbean trip last month, but I get the feeling he was just hanging on for that. He's gone steadily downhill ever since we got back. And it's so, so hard to watch him suffer...he doesn't deserve this. He's not in a lot of pain, thank God; it's just the nausea and vomiting and going back and forth to the hospital for pneumonia and dehydration.

I'm at peace with his decision, but I'm so sad and depressed. It feels like everything is going to hell all at once and I am overwhelmed. It's too many losses. I'm not suicidal or even close to it, but I am self-aware and won't hesitate to go to the hospital if I start getting that way. I also know this has little to nothing to do with my bipolar; it's strictly situational, and given the circumstances it makes sense that I'm depressed. But I continue to function, because I have no choice but to be strong.

Thanks for being here to read my little vent. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come here to "talk" with people who understand.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm so sorry. I'm actually crying for you. Pancreatic cancer is cruel and I'm so sorry that the two of you have to go through this. I am glad that you have hospice and hope that they are as wonderful as most hospice I've worked with have been. My uncle died just over a year ago as a delayed response to trauma from an accident and hospice was so helpful. Like you my aunt is a nurse and aside from some time he spent in the hospice center getting adjusted to very high doses of pain meds she provided all his care to the end they were able to help progress his pain management and how it was delivered as he went from stage to stage. It made a big difference and I'm glad she opted for it; I wasn't sure she would after caring for him for many years with little help.

I am very glad that you had your trip; that will give you special memories forever.

I hope that you keep feeling that you can vent here and you are also welcome to PM me if you need to talk. I tend to be here for the late hours often.

[BipolaRNurse]

We've actually been blessed with 2 1/2 years of (mostly) good times since his diagnosis. He's already outlived the initial expectations and isn't actively dying, but hospice is definitely appropriate. I worked with hospice nurses for most of my career in long-term care, and I learned a lot from them including how NOT to be afraid of administering appropriate amounts of medication to provide relief from symptoms. He'll be as comfortable as we can make him.

I don't know what to say, I'm so, so sorry. My mother died of lung cancer and it was so hard. This just must be devastating. I wish I could offer more comfort...

[jacky8807]

So sorry

[Ocean Swimmer]

Oh my Gosh. Much positive energy to both of you from me.
Love is very powerful. Please accept my prayers. Maxy

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I'm so sorry. Hugs

(((((((((BipolaRNurse)))))))))
This has been such a journey for you, these 2 1/2 years. You know my thoughts have been with you through this. Be assured that they not on only continuing, but are redoubled in this especially difficult time. Much love to you sweetie.

[LettinG0]

Hugs from my heart.........you seem to be coping admirably and to be self-aware.....take care of yourself as you take care of him....

My heart goes out to you.....

[hopeless2015]

Hugs and prayers for you

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

[Pastel Kitten]

I started tearing up. I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. Neither you nor your husband deserve it. You are incredibly strong for bearing this and pulling through not only for your husband's sake, but for your own. I wish the best for you, no matter what happens.

[cashart10]

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm so sorry bpnurse. As you know I lost my husband last year and it has been very hard. I hope you are able to enjoy the time you have left with him. Keep coming here for support.

[Unrigged64072835]

Lots of hugs and love to you. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer and my father to liver cancer about a year apart. It was hard to see my mom in particular go as it was really rough on her.

At least you had some good times with your husband and you'll be able to cherish them. Do take care of, and be gentle with, yourself during this time.

[Keegan2015]

I'm so sorry you two are going through this, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time

Hang in there.

[scatterbrained04]

I can't imagine what you are through. Sending love and hugs...

[Blue_Bird]

I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this, my mother just passed away this past week from cancer. It's rough, but no matter what happens you have to hang in there It's completely normal to be depressed about these things

[BipolaRNurse]

Thank you all for your support. He has good days as well as bad, and we're always grateful for them when they come. He's actually had several good ones in a row, although today he's thrown up once and is complaining of pain in his shoulder. The two seem to go hand in hand...don't know what's up with that.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so glad you have a therapist in your corner and you're stable-ish. I'm glad the cruise went well. I'm so sorry things are going down hill. Please keep your therapists number handy and remember we all love you and support you here.

[ColeM1100]

So sorry your going through this

[BipolaRNurse]

Well, we have a timeline now. Six to nine months without chemo, or this treatment where they inject radioactive beads right into the liver to kill the cancer cells. It's experimental so Medicaid wouldn't pay for it (we already tried that and it was a no go), and I don't think Medicare will either so it would be impossible to get, as we don't have tens of thousands of dollars lying around. So basically, it's...six to nine months.