[BeyondtheRainbow]

I haven't had my best evening. I somehow dropped my milk at med time and the glass shattered with glass and milk flying everywhere.

Possible trigger:

then I wanted to hurt myself with the broken glass

. I cleaned that up and found a cat mess to clean up. I still have another when the rug dries b/c one cat got really sick on it while I was at therapy today. I want to be able to open up with my therapist and just can't and am so frustrated with myself about that. I started trying to write an email to my pdoc, went to start the dishwasher and something got jammed so the drawer wouldn't close and I, a person who very rarely swears (only when manic/mixed and even then with the more mild words), yelled "F---!" I realized that what I was saying to my pdoc was not so accurate; I'm writing that it seems like she doesn't have time for me and is not helping me and that it has forever but really it's been just 2 weeks since I got several encouraging emails from her and also that's when the current hospital dr got my chart so less time than my mind was thinking. And I got an update last week as well.

So it's not really as bad on her side as I thought or as it feels. But by then I was sobbing and starting to ask if I was too difficult for her to treat anymore. I think the answer to that may be yes but that she is trying to hang on because if I am doing better then she can handle me. I don't know. We just had this talk a few months ago because she had to cut her caseload and I thought I'd be a first pick to go and she said that I was near the bottom of the list. The thing is that she cares about me a lot. I know this. I know that 99% of the time she gives the best care she possibly could. And that right now things are really out of her hands. But that doesn't make every day that goes by without a phone call that this is going to end any better.

I want to call and leave a message while I'm still crying. I want them to KNOW I'm falling apart even if I am controlling it a lot of the time. But I also want to actually talk to her secretary because I'm going to be pushy about getting an appointment in the next few weeks. Her secretary doesn't actually schedule them but can at least pass on that I feel very desperate about needing to see her if nothing else is happening and that feels like a safe bet right now.

I think tonight is a valium night. After all this I think I need a night of really sleeping. I probably need to try to see my therapist again after the great screaming/swearing/sobbing thing but I'm tired of sitting there and not telling him the truth. We even talked about that today, that I'm not benefitting a whole lot from this although at least I get out and talk to someone who isn't my mom or a cat which makes it worthwhile. But oh I want so badly to let him in. I wish I could have told him that.

Tears again......need a cup of hot tea. Hopefully I won't shatter this one.

[BlueInanna]

I would flip out too. Hope you're ok now. Curious why you don't go to ER when it's really bad like this? If you want to get in at hospital, wouldn't they have to take you? Have you considered going off benzo's? I loved em was on em for years & withdrawl was evil, still feel it sometimes after 9 months but it's getting better. It's just benzo's are known to worsen depression. It's very tricky & pdoc should know best. But something's gotta change here to help get you relief. Just wondering of you've considered that.
Keep writing so you can show to pdoc & therapist, that's such a good thing. I'd like to start doing that. I forget to say a lot of what I meant to at those appointments. When manic tho I cannot barely get typing or a pencil to keep up with my mind. Much love

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm better. Starting to settle down.

If I go to the ER my doctor loses the chance to control what happens in treatment. I am going to clarify this tomorrow. But if I go to the ER (which has to be planned since it's 2 hours away and I'm not going to wake my mom to ask her to take me) then they'll send me to the same unit I always go to (good) and whatever dr is on call will determine treatment (bad). If they happen to coordinate with my pdoc that's great but they could also decide I need to try meds that my pdoc is not comfortable with me trying because I have a long history of movement disorders and she feels that I will continue with that on the typicals. I've been on all the atypicals I can possibly afford (I can get 'em free after trying them through patient assistance but need samples to try them and my hospital has an anti-pharmaceutical influence policy. They can get samples for specific cases but we tried for 3-4 months to get samples and nobody answered my pdoc's emails; they don't make enough money to bother dropping them off.) And the only one that really had a shot at working was Rexulti and it's so new it could have been bad too. Anyway, the point was supposed to be the hospital dr doesn't have to listen to me nor contact my pdoc and I could just wind up even worse. I went through a few months of movement disorder this summer and it was bad. The med helped but I needed more and couldn't have more and then had to stop something that probably would have helped greatly with just a bit more but I couldn't have a bit more and I wound up with months of severe depression before this mixed episode started around the holidays.

Going off benzos is on my wish list. Not sure it will succeed; I have a nasty anxiety issue and PTSD (and some OCD) nbeyond the bipolar. So it may just be necessary. I've been off before and needed to go back on. Valium is very PRN just for sleep and I'm sensitive to it so a very tiny dose. Right now it's a good thing because I took it a while ago and will stay calm through Tuesday afternoon which I need. Much less than prescribed in fact. I do take klonopin routinely though. I want to see if we can get me lower or off but first I have to get stabilized on clozaril and then just have some time that I can enjoy feeling good. 13 months of solid illness (I've had 4 moderately good days, 2 2 day spans when my mood was changing and I hit some hypomania since last January) is wearing and my life was not great for a while before this hit. From March 2014 until last really a couple weeks ago there were some extremely stressful things going on--I blew out an ankle that I'd injured in the past and had to have reconstruction surgery which was 6.5 months of my life devoted to that and that alone, my brother was arrested and it has caused a lot of family problems, personal pain, things to deal with; I had to retire my national certification for my career (that was the last straw; things seemed to blow up as soon as I did that), just a lot of hard stuff and then bipolar attacked fiercely. So I need some rest before taking on anything new and my pdoc will probably look for a year of stability before agreeing to cut anything. But yes, eventually I want to try to go off benzos. It's harder b/c the MAOI I'm on restricts some of the drugs I might use otherwise for anxiety and it is stimulating itself. So that is another issue that we'll have to deal with eventually.

Thanks again for middle of the night support. I'm calmer now. I need to write down what I need to say with my message for my pdoc tomorrow and hope that the person who takes the message words it as I do.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, rainbow. Thinking about you.