[wildflowerchild25]

I felt better for a few days. Maybe a five on a one to ten scale. Not baseline but not terrible. I was productive. I made it to work on time. I showered. I shoveled a ton of snow. All those things. But I couldn't shake the lingering malaise. I would be ok in the morning and then depressed in the evening. Not as intense Sui thoughts but still there, more out of habit than anything. But then I wake up today and it's like WHAM. The wind was knocked out of me as I crawled out from underneath the covers This morning. I mean damn I have to function? How is this even possible?

I'm so ****ing depressed today that I just want to die. I can't live like this. But my brain is so mushy I can't formulate a plan. And then there's always my son. Can't leave him.

My therapist has compared the Chronic depression to chronic pain. It may never go away she says. So the key, she says, is to make it more bearable. She advocates dbt skills. Doing small things to make myself feel better, if only for a few minutes.

But this is how I have to live my life? Grabbing at straws to make living bearable? Am I never to be happy? Is that not a possibility for me anymore? I'm having a real hard time accepting this as my reality. I understand what she's saying and I think she's right, but I don't see how I can live this way. How can I accept that this is just my life now?

I could be depressed for a number of reasons. Medication is not touching it. Plus I don't even know who my pdoc is anymore. I went to see my regular pdoc last week and she shuffled me off to the other pnurse, the one who gives me my shot. She didn't even see me. The other pnurse doesn't have prescribing power for me because I am not her patient. How can my pnurse just shuffle me off and not even see me to check in? Especially since she didn't see me in December either? I mean at least tell me you're not going to see me. So I'm trying to switch to the other pnurse because I don't want to deal with a medication provider that won't even see me to check in. I guess I have to call tomorrow. But that's soooooo much effort when I am feeling so low.

I don't even know how I made it through work. I just keep thinking if I take any more time off I'm going to be fired at the end of the year, and then I think GOOD. then I can do subbing instead.

I keep saying in my head I can't do this. I can't breathe, I hit myself in the head, I want to cry and throw up. But I did enjoy dinner today...so maybe that's what my therapist means by finding the little things.

I want to call my pnurse and say HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME but what can she even do? No medication will work. I'm afraid to try the maoi because of all the diet restrictions - it would be only too easy to harm myself simply by drinking beer and eating aged cheese and soy sauce. I don't know if I would die but I could **** myself up and I don't feel safe enough to trust myself not to do it. I'm desperate.

God dammit I wish my husband were here to hold my hand.

I know this was really disjointed. Thanks for reading, if you do.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. are you on an AD? I don't think you are. I would see about getting on one. I don't think it's fair to always go through life knowing you'll never be happy again. Jmo though.

[cashart10]

All of my love, sweet friend. I wish you had your husband to hold and love you, also. I still can't get over the darkness of grief that you have in your life. He is looking after you. But, adding depression on top of intense grief? Horrible. I wish I had comforting words for you but I find it difficult to say the right thing. You are loved so much though and I hope you can feel that and that you know that.

Please let me know if you need to talk.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Emsam, MAOI patch, has no restrictions at 6 mg (low dose). At 9 mg (middle dose) they ask you to watch out but I eat most things with my dr's blessing. The developer of the drug told her that the FDA insisted on restrictions but that no need showed up in testing. At 12 mg (high dose) restrictions need to be followed but even then I am not 100% adherent because I know that I don't react. Like the other night I had pork cooked in a little soy sauce among other ingredients. Very little is actually in my food. I don't eat edamane or cheese or any soy product at all (and never drank beer) but honestly the restrictions get very normal very quickly. 6 years ago I would get anxious and read ingredients really carefully and avoided everything but now I know how my body reacts and while I do read ingredients as I grocery shop on something that might have a risk to it, when the mexican restaurant brought my food with cheese I didn't send it back, I ate around it. Sure I ate a little cheese (I'm on 12 mg so need to be somewhat careful) but nothing happened and I knew it wouldnt.

The one and only time I have ever had any reaction was a medication and that was nothing; my face flushed, I realized I should take my blood pressure, it was up for me but not bad, I told my pdoc and she adjusted something and that was it.

It looks a LOT harder than it is. And the drug works so well that I don't care. I miss cheese but there's always American slices, Velveeta shreds and mozarella which I can eat. Once I didn't realize an appetizer at a holiday party had cheese and ate quite a bit and was fine; you just watch your face for flushing and if you get that or a headache you check your blood pressure. You do need a monitor but that's cheap. I used to have one in the car and one at home because my asthma meds can cause issues and I needed those away from home more often but nothing ever happened so I quit worrying about it.

Don't get too freaked out about the diet, really. The worst thing that has ever happened to me was about 3 weeks into it I got a horrible virus at work and threw up for 3 days. I got really dehydrated and didn't know that I am to take the patch off at the beginning of dehydration. So the stuff concentrated in my bloodstream and I got a head to toe bright red rash that got a lot of attention at the emergency room. But when the patch came off and I had some IV benadry it was gone in 30 minutes and it's totally avoidable; now I remove the patch for 24 hours if I vomit or until I can keep fluids down well. The stuff has a long half-life so missing a change or having it off is not a big deal at all.

IT's really not as scary as it sounds at all.

(((((((((wildflowerchild)))))))))
I'm so sorry this is going on for you. I hear your pain. It may not be worth much, but I'm very much relating to what you say -- that feeling of .. Is this really my life??!! And HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME. It is so hard sometimes.

And yeah, I think you're right on about the dinner. What did you have?

Showers can be good that way too. Hot water raining down on all the stress. And, in a different way, coloring. Have you tried it? It can be very absorbing. In a good wavelength kind of way.

[hopeless2015]

HUGS

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[wildflowerchild25]

Thanks for your replies everyone. Rainbow, thank you for your insights. And inner zone, you are right, showers help. Though it's a real chore to actually get into the shower these days. I do feel better when I do.

I did go to work today and managed to stay the whole day. I'm taking off a day next week to take my son to his wellness checkup so I'm holding on to that.

One of my students pointed out that I haven't taught anything in a long time and he's right. It's my most difficult class. They come in from gym so they're all hyped up and pretty much impossible to deal with. I'd love to be able to teach something with them but I can't, especially because they take away my male staff that period. So I'm essentially by myself. I have a co teacher but she treats my class as her break period so she's useless. i have no idea what to do with that class.

I just want to sleep forever. Or at least until this is over. Whichever comes first.

I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to switch my pnurse and then try to get an appointment sooner than feb 18. I just can't wait that long. I don't know what will happen.m

[jbuttz]

Showers are the worst thing in the world for me to do but when I get in there it's always the best one I've ever had lol. I'm glad that you were able to recognize how important your son is and the consequences of leaving him behind. In times of need I always think of my kids and realize it's not worth it. Life is pain but life is also love. Hugs

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I was short on sympathy/empathy last night. I should have expressed it; I feel it. I just deal better with facts right now. And long tangents.

My therapist made me memorize something when I started seeing him about doing only what you can do at the time you can do it. It does make sense and I still think about it even though I don't always adhere to it. You can't do everything while you are grieving. Your son is the most important thing besides keeping yourself well enough to care for him. Anything beyond that is just icing.

[wildflowerchild25]

I don't think you were lacking sympathy. You were just trying to help. I didn't feel reprimanded or anything by you so don't worry.

My problem is I don't think I'm doing a good job of caring for my son right now. He's clothed in clean clothes, he's fed, he's bathed, but it's all the bare minimum. I'm not playing with him. I'm not feeding him well; just pbj or spaghettios or other processed food. I'm too tired to fight with him to eat adult food and I'm too tired to even make dinner for us. It's almost physically painful to get off the couch. I don't want to be like this for him. I want to be able to play and eat with him.

I want to have one day where I don't see myself dying. I want the images to go away. I see what my therapist is saying, that I just have to deal with it and find small escapes....but it's too hard to even execute those small escapes.

I don't know. I just don't know.

[wildflowerchild25]

I called my pnurse and got an appointment with her for Tuesday. I don't know what she's going to do. I'm hoping she doesn't want me to do the IOP again because I won't. It's pointless. It won't help to learn about dbt and ****. I do that with my therapist. I'm going to push for the emsam because I really can't do ECT again. From what I've been reading though I have to be off of Brintellix for 14 days before I can start emsam. Which is whatever, if I've made it this long I can make it another 14 days as long as there's an end in sight.

I was supposed to go to a concert on Sunday but I'm going to bail out, I can't imagine going to a venue and making it through the concert. I just want to sleep.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yeah, the only way you can avoid the 14 day washout is to go on the Emsam in the hospital. That was what I did for a bunch of reasons. I think as much anything because I've had so many drug reactions my pdoc wanted someone to watch me while I started the new drug to be sure nothing weird happened.

I hope it works out for you. It really helped me when I'd done everything but ECT and so far I still haven't had ECT and it's been 6 years.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm just gonna keep posting here. Just to get my thoughts out.

I've gotten to the scary functional split brain place again. It happened two years ago before I had a major meltdown/psychotic break. It's like, I can function and do all the things I need to do, but all the while my brain is screaming at me and trying to kill me. Like I'll be doing something simple and the image of me driving my car off the road will come up. I was driving my son home and sped up, intending to hit the bus in front of me...but then I thought what if there are kids in there? So I didn't.

And even though my brain is screaming I am outwardly calm.

I think this is even worse than regular depression because I can pretend everything is ok real easy so when something happens it will be a big shock to everyone around me.

I think I'll be better tomorrow. I'm hoping. I don't like this brain splitting thing. It makes me feel crazy. And I swear to god I cannot be hospitalized AGAIN. that is just pathetic. PATHETIC.

I'm trying to get through it on my own. I've done it before. I should be ok.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You know it is ok to be hospitalized again and not pathetic. It's just part of this illness. I was terrified of hospitals for years, to the point that my pdoc helped me avoid them. Now I average one visit per year (although really it's more some years and less others) and it's ok. I never would have believed that was part of my future but it is and I know now to expect nothing less from bipolar.

I hope you feel better tomorrow too. But if you don't it is ok to get help before that is beyond your control.

All of this you know. I just wish you could feel better.

[wildflowerchild25]

I know it's not as bad as it seems. I'm not trying to imply that being hospitalized is pathetic. Of course there's times when it's needed. I just feel like for me I rely on it too much. And I feel like if I keep getting hospitalized I will do irreparable damage to my son. Especially now that his father is gone. I just see this as my regular pattern - I get so desperate I end up saying stupid **** and wind up inpatient. And there's not much they could do ip except start me on emsam sooner. And I'm not a real danger to myself, I don't think. I really don't have any means to kill myself. My only weapon is my car and since I realized there are guardrail around all the pillars I had planned to crash into I don't really have a backup plan. Nothing that I could see myself actually executing.

I tell you I wouldn't be sad if a truck hit me though. I see that happening a lot. It's just what my brain shows me. It's forcing me to see these things and I can't escape.

I'm hanging out with my sister in law tomorrow. I sooooo don't want to but it's probably better than sitting around by myself.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I didn't think it wasn't as bad as it seems. I think it probably is. You are dealing with a horrible loss and a horrible disease that magnifies that loss when it doesn't need magnification to be awful.

I also didn't mean that the hospital was the issue. I meant that needing it is not bad and you are in no way pathetic. I don't know how you manage to hold it together so well; you are so strong. If you need a few days for some med changes and a little time to grieve without so much responsibility and then you come out a little better that's not a bad thing. Your son will understand as he grows up and it sounds like he has people who love him if you can't be there.

I'm sorry my post came across as it did; I did not meant to sound critical. I just don't want you to suffer more than you already are.

[Disorder7]

Would it be possible for you to take a medical leave from work for awhile? Time to work on getting better and maybe do a few things you used to enjoy.

Several years ago I freaked out and walked off my job. Later I met a pdoc who said that was really sad. He said he could have saved my job by putting me on medical leave.

I don't know how things are where you live or work, but I thought I'd toss it out there.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I didn't think it wasn't as bad as it seems. I think it probably is. You are dealing with a horrible loss and a horrible disease that magnifies that loss when it doesn't need magnification to be awful.

I also didn't mean that the hospital was the issue. I meant that needing it is not bad and you are in no way pathetic. I don't know how you manage to hold it together so well; you are so strong. If you need a few days for some med changes and a little time to grieve without so much responsibility and then you come out a little better that's not a bad thing. Your son will understand as he grows up and it sounds like he has people who love him if you can't be there.

I'm sorry my post came across as it did; I did not meant to sound critical. I just don't want you to suffer more than you already are.

I know you're right. I'm not insulted, don't worry! I really appreciate your input. I'm just really trying to make it a whole year without a hospitalization. That would be wonderful. I have t made it that long since all this ******** started in 2012.

I feel more mixed than anything these past few days. I'm usually asleep by now. I know it's only 10:15 and that's not late but I don't feel like I can even get to sleep. Too full of nervous energy. And if it is mixed, that's a problem. I know you know.

Thanks for your support. I sure hope you feel better soon too.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Disorder7

Would it be possible for you to take a medical leave from work for awhile? Time to work on getting better and maybe do a few things you used to enjoy.

Several years ago I freaked out and walked off my job. Later I met a pdoc who said that was really sad. He said he could have saved my job by putting me on medical leave.

I don't know how things are where you live or work, but I thought I'd toss it out there.

I would love to take a couple of weeks off but I've done that every year I've been teaching. It would be awesome to make it a whole school year without taking a leave. At this point I'm not worried they'd fire me, Because it would probably be better if they did.

I'm not being effective in my job anyway. I might as well be on leave because at this point I'm just showing up. And barely functioning.

I will take it into consideration. I'll see what my pnurse says. Maybe she'll tell me to. I don't know.

[Disorder7]

Ironically, I was a teacher, too. One day I packed up and at the end of the day, I left and never went back.
I was under contract, so I was reported to the state. Eventually, I lost my certification.

When I explained what happened to a pdoc, he said it was really bad I didn't know him at the time. He could have helped me. I didn't have to lose it all. But at the time, I didn't even know what was wrong with me.

[Wanderlust90]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I'm just gonna keep posting here. Just to get my thoughts out.

I've gotten to the scary functional split brain place again. It happened two years ago before I had a major meltdown/psychotic break. It's like, I can function and do all the things I need to do, but all the while my brain is screaming at me and trying to kill me. Like I'll be doing something simple and the image of me driving my car off the road will come up. I was driving my son home and sped up, intending to hit the bus in front of me...but then I thought what if there are kids in there? So I didn't.

And even though my brain is screaming I am outwardly calm.

I think this is even worse than regular depression because I can pretend everything is ok real easy so when something happens it will be a big shock to everyone around me.

I think I'll be better tomorrow. I'm hoping. I don't like this brain splitting thing. It makes me feel crazy. And I swear to god I cannot be hospitalized AGAIN. that is just pathetic. PATHETIC.

I'm trying to get through it on my own. I've done it before. I should be ok.

Needing admission is not pathetic.

I feel this way. I think it's probably really dangerous, well everyone working in the mental health system certainly say so. It's harder when you can hide it because no one really knows how vulnerable you are, they blow it off like you will get over it tomorrow.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yeah wanderlust, I'm afraid my pnurse won't take me seriously unless I tell her all the suicide stuff, and then I'm afraid she will try to hospitalize me if I do. She's not very good. I don't really like her. I think she will just want to raise the Brintellix, which I don't want because it's not doing even anything at all. I just want to switch to something else.

I did get to sleep last night so that was good. But I feel the same this morning. I feel like I'm going to burst out in tears. All I can do is lay here. Eventually I will get up and clean and maybe that will take my mind off of things.

Possible trigger:

I just want to die. I see myself shooting myself, which is impossible bc I don't have a gun (for this very reason among others). I see myself hanging myself. I want to cut myself just to get this out but I don't want my son to see. He will tell my mother.

I must be doing something wrong. There must be more I can do. Maybe I will think about that today. Maybe I will make some cookies. I like cooking.

[hopeless2015]

Big Hugs, please try to be kind to yourself... I know easier said than done.

Sent from my XT1058 using Tapatalk

[wildflowerchild25]

Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep I'm tired and I want to go to bed then leave me alone don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone...

I hurt myself. Because I drank. Which I knew I shouldn't do but:.. I don't care. I'm so ****ed up. I just don't care. I can't do this anymore. Thank god I don't have enough pills. They'd all be gone. It's ****ed.

I'm listening to comedy except sing me to sleep. I can't sleep. My son is sound asleep.mwhat if I leave him again. I'm such a bad mom. It's all an illusion. But I can't leave him permanently. I don't Doubt his love for me. It is pure. A pure child's love. He can't see the bad inn me. So maybe it's not as bad as I think.

I'm so bone achingly lonely. I love my husband more than anything. And he's gone. No one is here to help me.

And I just keep doing more. It stings and makes me feel better. Now I have to admit to my pnurse and therapist that I gave in and hurt myself. It's been eight months and I made it this far and couldn't make it any farther. At least it's not on my arms. My son won't see. He won't be upset.

Unless I leave him.

I don't want to do this anymore. Sing me to sleep, I promise I will feel so glad to go.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep I'm tired and I want to go to bed then leave me alone don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone...

I hurt myself. Because I drank. Which I knew I shouldn't do but:.. I don't care. I'm so ****ed up. I just don't care. I can't do this anymore. Thank god I don't have enough pills. They'd all be gone. It's ****ed.

I'm listening to comedy except sing me to sleep. I can't sleep. My son is sound asleep.mwhat if I leave him again. I'm such a bad mom. It's all an illusion. But I can't leave him permanently. I don't Doubt his love for me. It is pure. A pure child's love. He can't see the bad inn me. So maybe it's not as bad as I think.

I'm so bone achingly lonely. I love my husband more than anything. And he's gone. No one is here to help me.

And I just keep doing more. It stings and makes me feel better. Now I have to admit to my pnurse and therapist that I gave in and hurt myself. It's been eight months and I made it this far and couldn't make it any farther. At least it's not on my arms. My son won't see. He won't be upset.

Unless I leave him.

I don't want to do this anymore. Sing me to sleep, I promise I will feel so glad to go.

Just hang on, just hang on. tonight just let yourself feel bad for awhile. Just let it out. I can't imagine going through what you have. Would be tough for anyone. How are you feeling now?