[Ocean Swimmer]

And later my fiancé committed suicide.

My stepmom got pushed down the stairs by my dad,suffered a heart attack and went into a coma,later died.

Then I had my first manic Psycotic break. Maybe bipolar isn't the problem, but bad things happening that is too hard for the brain to process.

Then maybe all these psych meds and changes mess up the brain chemistry.

What do you think?
I want so badly to be whole again.

And intelligent. I was so smart before being exposed to continual ECT.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Plus my husband is retiring and we've had no intimacy in our 20 year marriage.

It's like he's my best friend and business partner.

I offset this situation by having another man. He was obese and depressed because his ex wife got 1/2 of his money in their divorce.
When we became intimate he'd just lost 200 lbs.
He slowly gained it all back plus more weight. It was like self destruction.
I couldn't stand by anymore and he didn't want me bad enough to live for me.
He was over 500 lbs when he died last year.

Later after other extremely bad setbacks I went bizarak again.

Could it be I don't have mental issues I just explode after too much heavy crap happens???

[Pastel Kitten]

Oh my god I'm so sorry you've been through all of these awful losses. It's incredible you've come out of this with any sanity left at all! I know mine would be gone. While it's true that neurotypical people would also of course be severely affected by the things you have gone through, you "explode" because the nature of this condition leaves us more sensitive to these things than other people.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Thank you so much for understanding Kitten.
Oh sometimes when I reveal parts of my past, it's been suggested over and over again that I should write a book.

I suppose it could be entertaining. My dad was married and divorced 8 times. His last girlfriend was 28 while he was 79. He gave her $10,000 to go to modeling school. Later he died. ( 1quart of Cutty Sark Whisky per day alcoholic).

Later the authorities asked if I wanted her up on charges of Elder Abuse.
I said NO. She was paying for it on her back. ( I knew he was intimate with her)

I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
I think that traumatic experiences 'activate' that part of the bipolar mind that may remain dormant. My mania followed a time of extreme stress. I have relatives with BP who got psychotic after something bad happened to them.
When I was psychotic I relived of those traumatic experiences.
So, I think that trauma and BP are intricately connected. But not everyone who suffers trauma, or even PTSD, are bipolar. So I think that that bipolar gene or whatever is there all along.

[Ocean Swimmer]

I'm inclined to go along with your theory.
But I still wonder about taking psych meds.

I understand about the psych med part. My thought are that if it could prevent another psychotic break, then I will take them. However. Now that I'm relatively stable I'm on a low dose of lamictal (100 mg) and a sub therapeutic amount of an antidepressant (50 mg). I don't have any side effects from those meds. I had horrible side effects from others and that is no way to live. I'll take a milligram of risperdal if I feel any psychotic symptoms but that is rare. I think the least amount of meds is best, at least for me.