[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've not been able to read posts but I've had a few asking how I'm doing so I thought I'd update very quickly. Tonight is, I think my first without Seroquel and I'm on 75 mgs of Clozaril in the morning and 50 at night today. I will be up to 175 mg by Tuesday and they plan to send me home around then if I'm doing ok.

At the moment I'm not leaving my room much and am effectively excused from groups, nearly unheard of up here. But any noise agitates me despite ever growing doses of gabapentin (now I'm on 600 mg twice a day and 800 at bedtime plus I have PRN doses of hydroxyzine and klonopin (which I haven't used lately).) That is a huge amount when I've been sensitive to it in the past. So I lay in bed a lot. I cried for a very long time this afternoon when a group leader jumped on me for saying what I've said to all of them, that I might not tolerate it and would need to sit in the back where I could get up and move if needed. He lectured, I cried, another patient removed me from the room. He was a big jerk and usually he's one of my favoriite people. I'm sensitive but he was a jerk for real.

Otherwise not much to say. I feel terrible, time will improve it. They've let me dictate to some extent how fast I've tapered and that's been good b/c I've gone as fast as allowed. Hoping the current resident is the one who takes over this unit. he's excellent.

Gotta get away from TV. I had the room to myself and turned it off for a minute but visiting ended and everyone came in here. Time to isolate some more. I miss my cats and my bed and my quiet home in the woods. And sleeping in a dark, forested home instead of the hospital with lights under the beds. My roommate left today and I'm scared that a replacement would be very hard; she was perfect and the next could be loud or snore or something and I would have a hard time not being a very cranky person. I AM a very cranky person but I usually don't show it.

Miss you all.

Thanks for letting us know.

[Nammu]

Thanks for the update. I hope in the next few days it gets easier.

[gina_re]

I'm sorry you've been having difficulties. But you're a very strong woman, I know you can get through it. Thank you for your updates. Please take care.

[raspberrytorte]

Hugs, rainbow. You'll get through this and feel much better. We miss you too!

[Pastel Kitten]

I miss talking to you Rainbow! And many others here too. I'm sorry things are in a rough spot right now. I hope they smooth out soon, and that your new roommate is someone at least bearable. I'm an introverted person who needs her space and I can definitely relate to being cranky if someone loud were to room with me. I once had to share a hotel room with someone who snored so loudly that not even my earphones with music playing could block it out. UGH.

[Imah]

The guy who was being a 'jerk' maybe have only been doing his job. They sometimes have to try different methods to see what a person responds to. Forgive him. 'Tough love' sometimes is what a person needs. Too much coddling at times can only worsen the situation.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

Rainbow! I'm glad to have an update on you! You've been on my mind. I'm sorry that the past few days have been rough. You are PRIORITY and you have to take care of yourself. I'm glad they are letting you set your own pace. I'm sorry that the guy was a jerk. It's always disappointing and shocking when you like a person. Hopefully you'll get to keep the room to yourself. Just know that you have a whole group of people out here that are thinking about you! I hope the next few days are better!

[Ocean Swimmer]

When do you think you'll get to go home?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Today was a little better. I made it through a whole group. Then I slept all afternoon. But my clozaril in the morning went up to 100 mg and it seemed to actually help. So hopefully things will start changing now.

Originally Posted by Nammu

Thanks for the update. I hope in the next few days it gets easier.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

He was not doing his job. I was excused from groups and allowed to do exactly what I was trying to do. My attempting to go to groups was more than was required and his approach was to demand I do something I was not capable of at that moment. His job is to read about the patients before coming in and he should have known that I was allowed to do what I was doing. Plus group isn't mandatory for anyone ever. Encouraged but not mandatory. Forcing participation on someone too sick to understand a conversation not 1:1 (which is still me) was too much and way, way beyond my treatment plan. I know the difference between therapeutic and jerk and this was jerk. Next week perhaps his approach would be ok but right now no.

Originally Posted by Imah

The guy who was being a 'jerk' maybe have only been doing his job. They sometimes have to try different methods to see what a person responds to. Forgive him. 'Tough love' sometimes is what a person needs. Too much coddling at times can only worsen the situation.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am in line for a private room. I got up the nerve to ask today and asked too late and the room that opened up today was signed off to someone. But the theoretical plan is that the other private room should open in a day or two and I should get it then as long as nobody puts a hold on it. For now I'm allowed to be in a conference room or empty patient room during visiting hours. At least for tonight; this will change with staff changes as I have learned before. It seems the nurses all realized a p rivate room would have been very good for me when I brought it up so I should have said something yesterday when i would have gotten one then. My guess is it never happens but I may be surprised.

I did get a roommate last night and she reasonably wants to have her family to visit in the room during visiting hours which is why I requested moving. It takes away my safe place where I can avoid the noise of visiting. It feels like it lasts forever, esp. since it should end at 8 but they don't enforce that at all.

Originally Posted by Hashi/bipolar mom

Rainbow! I'm glad to have an update on you! You've been on my mind. I'm sorry that the past few days have been rough. You are PRIORITY and you have to take care of yourself. I'm glad they are letting you set your own pace. I'm sorry that the guy was a jerk. It's always disappointing and shocking when you like a person. Hopefully you'll get to keep the room to yourself. Just know that you have a whole group of people out here that are thinking about you! I hope the next few days are better!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

When do you think you'll get to go home?

About another week. I have to stabilize and they need to see the clozaril is working for me.

[Wander]

Thinking of you Rainbow. Hope things improve soon.

[scatterbrained04]

(((((Hugs)))) Really hope you can get a private room.

[jacky8807]

You are on your way! All the bad will someday be a distant memory
I hope comfort and peace and (a private room!!!) For your stay!

[Ocean Swimmer]

You take care. The week will be over before you know it! Lots of positive vibes

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I'm glad you got up the courage and asked for a private room. I hope you get it! We're thinking about you!

Hey. I hope you'll soon get a private room. Thinking of you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

No private room. Something about suicide risk being too high still and they don't like to put people with my risk in private rooms. And the room I'm in is right across from where the tech sits so more monitoring. They are just trying to keep my double room a single as long as possible. But since there is like 1 other open female bed it's very unlikely that will last until I go home Tuesday. Oh well. I'll survive. Just 3 more full days.

I'm starting to respond to the Clozaril and have been going to groups. I need a lot of naps and this morning they let me sleep until 10:15 so that was 10 hours of solid sleep except for a bathroom break. Now if I could just stand the noise and be out of my room more. But soon I'll be in my own quiet home in the woods.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

No private room. Something about suicide risk being too high still and they don't like to put people with my risk in private rooms. And the room I'm in is right across from where the tech sits so more monitoring. They are just trying to keep my double room a single as long as possible. But since there is like 1 other open female bed it's very unlikely that will last until I go home Tuesday. Oh well. I'll survive. Just 3 more full days.

I'm starting to respond to the Clozaril and have been going to groups. I need a lot of naps and this morning they let me sleep until 10:15 so that was 10 hours of solid sleep except for a bathroom break. Now if I could just stand the noise and be out of my room more. But soon I'll be in my own quiet home in the woods.

You are much braver than me.

Just reading the slight detail of ward life that you've written makes me ill. My therapist knows that I will never go into a hospital again voluntarily and he knows that I will never let him know what I'm thinking so that he could have me taken in so we're at a happy impasse.

I just stumbled on your note. I read and I simply had to congratulate you. I'm far too childish and afraid to go back in even knowing that even a one week stay would be beneficial.

I don't know your situation but I'm hoping for the best for you.


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[Nammu]

The noise and lights always have bothered me too. Glad they're letting you go into the conference room during visiting hours. It was the visiting long hours during the weekends I hated most. Glad Tuesday is coming soon.

[cashart10]

Well...hopefully they are able to keep your room your own. I've been thinking about and praying for you but for some reason haven't followed this post. I know that they will get it right and pray you will have permanent recovery. Hang in there love! It will be worth it!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm sorry if I've made it sound awful. It's really not. There are parts I could live without but nothing too horrible has happened. I've probably shared the more difficult parts more but honestly this is a good place and I have made it through this and would never have wanted to try anywhere else. I'm very glad that I am here.

Originally Posted by ciderguy

You are much braver than me.

Just reading the slight detail of ward life that you've written makes me ill. My therapist knows that I will never go into a hospital again voluntarily and he knows that I will never let him know what I'm thinking so that he could have me taken in so we're at a happy impasse.

I just stumbled on your note. I read and I simply had to congratulate you. I'm far too childish and afraid to go back in even knowing that even a one week stay would be beneficial.

I don't know your situation but I'm hoping for the best for you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm sorry if I've made it sound awful. It's really not. There are parts I could live without but nothing too horrible has happened. I've probably shared the more difficult parts more but honestly this is a good place and I have made it through this and would never have wanted to try anywhere else. I'm very glad that I am here.

No - don't be sorry at all! I'm the one with a problem with hospitalization. I just had too many and for much, much too long. I know that I could benefit from it now: it would be more difficult to isolate, for starters! My fear is a sort of mortal phobia – a feeling that I wouldn't come out again.

I have unreasonable fears. Most of them. Are you getting out today? I'm waiting for my van for my therapy appointment.

Please drop a line when you're safely home!