Ever think why is my significant other even with me?!

This could also go in the relationships part of this forum so if it needs to be moved then be my guest. But it also has a lot to do with my BP being out of control right now.

I blame this on my recent issues (incase you didn't read my other posts) I got fired because of my anxiety and BP and I'm on the verge of losing my house and I decided I've had enough of the roller coaster and I'm going to try for SSD. Well good timing eh? Between panic attacks and insomnia, I'm a bipolar mess. Now I will admit, my bf has been there through lots of my crap....an IP stay, breakdowns with months of depression and being bed ridden, addictions, you name it! Now this MAY just be caused from stress but lately I've really been thinking, when is he going to wake up and move on?! Yes I also suffer from little to no self esteem (can't tell?). I weigh it out in my head... Are we "in this together"? Or am I completely losing it and turning back into a basket case and worthy of walking out on? How much is TOO MUCH? Especially when your SO is healthy and (he's even said himself) doesn't even understand the MI. I'm thinking "ok buddy smarten up and run! I'm a hot mess! Get out before there's a ring on it!" It may be harsh and an OCD type of thinking but have you ever... Way back in your head... Thought that your bf/gf should just leave your ***?! it's all I can think about. And he is showing that he's already fed up. We're talking less, no intimacy, anger ect. Or it's all in my head? I'm driving myself nuts!

I know... I need to get into my pdoc. I did call my pdoc office the day I lost my job and got in with someone who I cried to and all he said was that yes, I'm manic BUT he won't touch my meds?! Wtf?! So he left me to go on my way and when I went back to talk to a nurse to yet again complain and cry, say I haven't slept for a wk, he told me to make an appt with him and deal with it. Needless to say I am never ever going back to him. So I have to wait to see my original pdoc till the 14th. I need therapy? Yes I also know this. However with my insurance it's kind of a process with this place. I have to wait, some more. So go to IP? If I go another wk without sleep or meds that work, I just may end up there anyway. We'll see.

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He sings this to me:

Crazy B**ch

You're a crazy bi***
But you f*** so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Ohhh man... Funny thing is, I've gotten that too before lol. That and "hey mister" when I dated a guy that knew my dad yikes.

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My husband is bp too. So it's like all the reasons I stay with him he stays with me. I really think that you need to go ip to see a pdoc sooner.

I have no idea why she is still there ... it has hurt us a lot ... but we are old school ... once we said for better or worst we ment it ... been a lot of years ... been hell for her I imagine ... god knows why ... but thankfully she is still here ...

You guys are lucky. I'm sure I'm just imagining all this. I hope.

And yes i will think about IP and keep close attention to my moods and I'll get help if it gets out of hand. I really just need like 14 hrs of sound sleep. I've been taking one and a half seroquel tabs at night (450mg total) and I do get sleepy. But once my head touches the pillow, my heart starts racing and I think too much.

A question I meant to ask... Should I talk to him or just figure it's all in my head and keep it to myself? At the same time, I don't want to scare him or start any drama that's not really there. I know he's as stressed as I am right now.

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I've wondered the same thing. I was horrible to my dh, just horrible. I'd say and do the most awful things. I was completely out of control. I was cruel. Then we'd have our good days. Later on, I was medicated, and so much better.

My dh said he would never leave me, and he has never even considered it. He's a strong man, much stronger than me. My thinking is, he has seen me through my worst. Why would he leave me now?

With my boyfriend many years ago, I was so convinced that he was going to leave me that one day the door wouldn't be unlocked. I was sure he had changed the locks on me, and I sat sobbing on the back steps for over an hour. He came home and I just needed to push in on the door more. They key worked fine. So I know what you mean.

It can be hard to believe that someone can love us at times. And it may be true that your so will leave, but it's also very possible that he'll stick around for a long, long time. Love is stronger than we give it credit for.

Just saw your above post: personally, I'd share my concerns but in a very caring, not too dramatic way. I might say something like: "I want to check in with you and see how you're doing. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with lately.

Just my 2 cents.

Thanks roaming bird! The door lock thing sounds like something that I probably even done already lol. My blonde roots show at times. And sad thing is, I'm so stubborn id probably try to convince him that the lock really WAS broken though! Just for that brief moment?

I admit things have been tough since I lost my job. Yesterday neither one of us really talked to each other. I didn't even say goodnight! I just had a bad feeling. Like I was going to wake up and *poof* he'd be out the door already... With half my things! And a bill went unpaid and we got into a fight about it. Nothing big. Just a pointing fingers kind of thing. It was dropped once I showed him that I indeed DID text him about it but he was at work and didn't see it. Whatever.

I think I'll make one more attempt at sleep. Take a PRN even though meds have not been having ANY effect on me right now. I'll sleep on this one because our bird just woke him up when he works third shift and he's not in a great mood. Not that I'm scared of him but I rather not poke a hungry bear!

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I have a tendency to think all things are because of me: him being angry, him not paying the bill (oh, he doesn't love me and he wants to leave me so this is his way of...), he's not answering his phone because he's mad at me, and so on.

Sleep can do wonders.

(and what kind of bird do you have? I have 6 of different sizes and types)

Yea I blame myself fora friggin star being out tonight. And the fact that I have zero self esteem doesn't help! I have a sulphur crested cockatoo. She really is a sweetheart but wow can she get loud when she wants attention! I inherited her with this relationship I guess.

And boy oh boy there won't be any talking tonight. He was woken up and hasn't slept In two days (ok and that's without being BP and manic so yea normal people get tired too). I get it! But! He just asked me about If I filled out some paper work we needed. No I didn't. I didn't even know about it. And guess what? It's been In my damn purse for a wk. This is exactly what I do when I dont want to admit there's a problem. I burry my head in the sand. He then pointed out how I'm manic and I've been making bad decisions that will never get me back to earth. I'm not making excuses for him but he's probably right. I am still drinking my daily caffeine drinks and taking my meds that this pdoc said are not helping. So I'm kinda leaning towards the "I'm just going crazy" deal. [insert many curse words here] And we all know what to do when you're at your wits end with sanity. But on my part I DID seek help the moment after I got tossed out of my job. They got me in to the only pdoc that was available and it happened to be a total jerk that straight up said he wasn't going to do anything, make an appointment! Now I'm furious and blaming him. What if I did do something bad after I left the office that day!? Hell, my appointment isn't until the 14th!

Sorry I just completely went off on a tantrum there. Maybe in about an hour, (at least till we put his son to sleep) I'll just ask my bf, "What do you want me to do?" What should I do here? I'll go to IP if he wants. But ill go, really friggin ticked and laying the blame that I never was given meds to "right" myself from the get go. Again... Burrying my head in the sand.

Edit: okay so I asked him what HE wants me to do here. He already admits he will never understand my MI so guess how this went? Bottom line, we're financially screwed right now and there's no light anytime soon. He told me to pretty much deal with it and go back to work. Yea not something you say to me when I'm already going crazy. I lost my cool and yelled "just wondering here.. Have you taken a reality check recently?! Do you think I want SSD because I'm WELL?! Ask yourself that, or try to be in my head for one friggin day or just leave!" As long as I bring up leaving first then I win right?!(crazy thought). Yea maybe when I was 18. He said no he didn't want to leave but I'm also not doing a thing to get the ball rolling. I'm at a loss. I can't possibly explain to a "well, mentally sound" person to put themselves in my shoes for once. Even I'm having trouble being in my own head at the moment. I cried, yelled, and now I hijacked my own thread. Even I think he should save his a$s and walk out. Very VERY sorry to anyone to has to read my ramblings today at all.

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I just have to come back to state that I feel frigging stupid now for posting this at all today when I'm just simply crazy today! It's pretty late but I just now took a PRN (3am!, im a night owl) I'm just really OCD about going to bed on a good note. I don't want to fall asleep knowing I'm only going to wake up with the same problems therefor I have to make something, anything right so I can sleep. It's not just the state of mind I'm in NOW... I've always been that way. I'm a firm believer that you should never go to bed angry at your SO! And all I did with expressing my concerns was stir up a whole new mess.

I don't want anyone to worry. I'm OK. Just miserable lol. I promise I'm not going to make any bad decisions and before I make any "great" decision right now, I will/am thinking about IP. I'm fully aware of my state of mind.

Just hope I get some sleep without nightmares every two hours! So goodnight!

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You've got all these drugs working out of your system. Go easy on yourself. Hugs.

Thanks. This one pdoc let me at least stay on the meds I've already been on. But I really, clearly need a AP change. I suggested geodon because I did my research and it's seemed to help people level out and help sleep. I slept a bit last night only waking up like twice. Also took my PRN risperdal and that helped a lot. Woke up with a killer headache but I am a lot better! Now I'm wondering how I'm going to tackle some sleep tonight. I don't like taking my PRN two days in a row because it seems to lose its effectiveness. So seroquel will get another try I guess! I told my bf that I'm grasping at straws right now until I can get into my pdoc. So he needs to bare with me! He thought I was being ignorant to our situation we're in. I said "spend one day in my head right now... I'm definitely not over here enjoying cat naps all day buddy!" And we did go to bed okay. So at least that much is well.

Thanks everyone for the support!

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I'm sorry your bf wasn't more supportive. I hope you sleep well.

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