[smallwonderer]

I know obsession is a bit of a bipolar problem. I have had one demi-obsession of sorts for as long as I've been seriously bipolar I wanted to maybe get some feedback about. I brought this up with my p-dr (who is also my t) and he kind of didn't get it. When I first got sick w/ bp (first mania), I was emailing my ex-boss a lot in part because he was giving me good advice in my new job (which is the same as his job) and he and I also kind of chat about things that are not work related - like videogames or music or whatever. I clearly went overboard emailing him when I went manic - I know it had this obsession tinge.

Now that I've been diagnosed (going on almost two years), there are relatively few people who know about it - my ex-boss because he was sort of in the center of it (he came to the hospital to see me the one time I was IP), one of my friends, and my family and my partner. So I try very hard to stay in the closet with bp, but I still get very stressed about work and a lot of it surrounds trying to work while being sick. So I find it's hard with work and bp being the two big things on my mind to not reach out to him because he's one of the few people who knows about bp and about my work (my family wouldn't understand my work).

he's not really great for me - he's behind me in timezones so he'll often email me late here. the other reason i think he's not great for me is because he'll sometimes not respond to emails and other times he'll respond 10 times in a row. and i think it's a little irregular vs something being a kind of more regular pattern for me.

anyway, i guess i would say my attachment is a little unhealthy, but it's not really obviously dangerous. it always heads that way when i get manic though. but even when i'm healthier, sometimes i think when he gives me advice, i listen a little too readily. is there a good way to talk oneself out of being too attached to someone? i don't have romantic feelings about him (he's not very good looking), but i really like talking to him.

[Icare dixit]

As long as he keeps replying (and you don't think it is getting worse) I think it is rather harmless (and if he responds with such irregularity, he might better know you than you think). I rarely have an obsession with anyone for more than one manic episode (if at all), but I do relate.

Maybe you can make a list of things you want to communicate and then send them all in one message. Let things ripe: you may find yourself crossing off many thing you really don't have to bother him with. Doesn't often work much for me, but I still try and always works somewhat.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Imo. Remember he's your boss.
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if he was the one w bipolar and you were his boss.

Think of this before you hit send.
I sometimes eml myself first. Give it time. Then upon rereading I can delete portions and send if it's still relevant.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by Ocean Swimmer

Imo. Remember he's your boss.
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if he was the one w bipolar and you were his boss.

Think of this before you hit send.
I sometimes eml myself first. Give it time. Then upon rereading I can delete portions and send if it's still relevant.

He hasn't been my boss in three years - so that's what I'd say is the difference - our relationship was very professional when he was my boss. Before either of us knew I was bipolar, I met up with him at a professional conference in denver (about 6-9 months after I'd stopped working for him) and he asked me if I wanted to smoke marijuana with him - signaling a dramatic departure from how it was when I worked for him. I think he knows better now, but that's what I mean by things being complicated.

I work on coping skills that I can engage instead of emailing him, but I'm not perfect. And I'll never really be able to separate how much he feels sorry for me for bipolar vs how much he sees me as a former protege (academia is complicated) vs how much is a sort of friendship.

[violetgreen]

This sounds like an emotional connection, at least on your side. And I'm concerned that he may not be a trustworthy, healthy friend. Does your partner have a gut feeling about this relationship and does it in any way complicate your your relationship? I'd say good goodbye to your old boss because as you said, "he's not really great for me."

[Chibi Ubu]

If one gives any indication about psychiatric issues to their employer, one's chances for change in job type at the same employer are over. That's what happened to me...

Obsessing about one's medical problems should never be shared with anyone in the workplace. That is if one wants to "get ahead". It is still the dark ages out there

C_U

[Roaming_bird]

If you only email a lot when you're manic or hypomanic, I would try and set a limit on the emailing, but that's just me. I know I have to restrain myself from calling people and texting people because I can be a bit much.

If you're close enough, you can always ask him? I have a friend who knows about my bp and I've asked her if I talk to her too much, and she has said no. I trust her to tell me if it becomes a problem.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by Roaming_bird

If you only email a lot when you're manic or hypomanic, I would try and set a limit on the emailing, but that's just me. I know I have to restrain myself from calling people and texting people because I can be a bit much.

If you're close enough, you can always ask him? I have a friend who knows about my bp and I've asked her if I talk to her too much, and she has said no. I trust her to tell me if it becomes a problem.

Thanks... I see my thread hasn't died so I will provide some more details I guess. He has not been my boss for 3 years and he's more like a mentor (Because of the nature of my work) and he's very concerned/eager to make sure I don't spread around my BP diagnosis. I have a tendency to want to tell people sometimes when I go up or down too much.

I shouldn't have said "he's not that good for me" specifically - he is supportive. If I seemed troubled and was sending a lot of emails, he'd say something like "Maybe you should slow down", but usually that's when I'm already probably hypomanic/manic. I kind of like that compared to how heavy handed my family members would be tempted to be. I send him a fair number of emails when I am just normal/a little odd - maybe sad or happy but not full blown in episode. I only don't send emails in post-mania severe depression.

I suppose in an ideal world I'd send him one email a week or maybe one every few days. I'd say my average is probably closer to one a day some days. I also try to cap the length of my emails. If I'm really sick you can see it - it'd be more like 10 and the length would be ridiculous.

I work a very long day at my computer so it becomes tempting to get chatty when I'm working, I think. Thanks everyone for your advice- certainly given me a lot to think about.

[Icare dixit]

I would try to tone it down a bit, but I don't think it is an unforgivable problem. People communicate a lot: it's what we do.

As you said, academia is special in that way, being more of a community of sorts, but it is also very easy to waste time (your own and his). He might not have a problem with, seeing it as an escape of sorts, but he also should be protected against himself.

Try to stay responsible at all times.

[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

I would try to tone it down a bit, but I don't think it is an unforgivable problem. People communicate a lot: it's what we do.

As you said, academia is special in that way, being more of a community of sorts, but it is also very easy to waste time (your own and his). He might not have a problem with, seeing it as an escape of sorts, but he also should be protected against himself.

Try to stay responsible at all times.

I really liked your advice. I decided to follow yours and oceanswimmer's advice (in combination) and send myself emails if I felt like it instead. It feels a little bit crazy, but I suppose I should get used to that .

[smallwonderer]

I wanted to update to say actually...because I'm proud of this but it's so... crazy.... what I did was make another account that I own that I send emails to that kind of makes it look to me like I'm emailing him (so the pavlovian part works). It's worked really well for the past couple of days. I hope it keeps working. Haven't emailed ex-boss since Tuesday and don't want to nearly as much, or even if I start to, I just change the TO: address to the decoy account.

I especially want to thank everyone for the suggestions that prompted this solution b/c it is something that I struggled with for over two years now. I hope that I'll go back to emailing my boss infrequently eventually and send most of the emails I used to send him to my decoy email address now. No need to reply... but maybe this will come in handy if any of you also have email problems.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'm glad you took their advice and it's working for you. I'll just add my take... Because I'm hypo, bored, I'd probably email my boss too right now . But from what I gather, you said he has told you to calm it down. I would continue with what is helping you now and only email when he does first. I also wonder what your partner thinks of this relationship. Does he know? Just the other night I was texting my friend so much he blocked me! I was so hurt. Then I woke up feeling so stupid. As far as disclosing your BP, if he's not your boss ANYMORE and it's strictly friends, mentor then I don't see it as wrong. I know you want to tell people, but from my own mistakes, by all means just keep it faaaarrr away from the work place. I had one panic attack at work that I couldn't hide therefor they found out I at least had anxiety issues and I was treated like a freak because of it. Eventually I lost my job because of my attacks and BP. Huge mistake. As much as we want, people without a MI just don't understand no matter what you try and say. I also made the huge mistake of taking my meds in front of a girl. She was very put off by it and was like "wtf?!" Yikes do I feel stupid. No matter how close you may feel to these people you have to remember there's a line there. They are your coworkers not your pals. And to be honest I lost a lot of friends and family relationships too. I would spill my guts to them with no warning and they would just drop me. I know we want to talk about it, it does help. But I would leave the talking and feelings to the professionals UNLESS it's say, your bff and you give them fair warning like "hey is it ok if I vent about some stuff to you?" Prepare them and be prepared if they just don't know what to say after! I hope you continue the good work!

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[smallwonderer]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

But from what I gather, you said he has told you to calm it down. I would continue with what is helping you now and only email when he does first. I also wonder what your partner thinks of this relationship. Does he know? Just the other night I was texting my friend so much he blocked me! I was so hurt. Then I woke up feeling so stupid. As far as disclosing your BP, if he's not your boss ANYMORE and it's strictly friends, mentor then I don't see it as wrong.

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My partner does know about it - he used to be more put off by it because he didn't like my ex-boss when he was still my boss. I asked him again because this came up on the forum and he said it doesn't bother him. My partner also knows about the decoy email account and thought it was clever / not a bad thing.

ex-boss only tells me to calm down if I am really actually hypomanic and he's worried for me that I'm going to do something I'll regret, not to ask me to stop emailing him in that case. I've specifically told him that sometimes I get really upset and I think sending him an email might help, and he told me he was glad to have me email him if it helped me to get it out, even if he couldn't offer advice. Last time I stopped emailing him for 3 months (in post-mania depression), his wife emailed me and asked me if he'd done something wrong (and to check on me)... then I started emailing him again. Honestly, it bothered me much more than it bothered him- because I do it when I am not hypo or manic, and it makes me feel very needy (probably if I were manic, I wouldn't know the difference/feel entitled). He hasn't asked me to email less, I just realized I didn't like how much I was doing it. So this works well for me.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Okay well as long as everyone is alright with it then. Just a thought and I'm probably wrong... You said his wife emailed you because you weren't talking to him. Are you sure it wast him pretending to be her? He might of been too nervous to ask you himself. I know I'm probably over thinking it.

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